DeffoTotes!

2010-01-18T22:37:00.002-05:00

I Have Gone Lunatic

2009-09-16T18:18:00.002-05:00

Just figured out how to import this to Tumblr, which is what I want for whatever reason, thanks to Eric. So for the time being you should go here: Definitely Totally

Best New T-Shirt Idea I Could Come Up With

2009-09-15T17:38:00.003-05:00

Thanks, DC, for doing this now instead of, say, a year ago.

Also, I think I'm going to have a talk with Michelle about this.

Grab Bag

2009-09-12T14:59:00.005-05:00

Forgot to post the most boring ride at the Montgomery County Fair:

And also Bigfoot, who "won" the Monster Truck Rally, which is disappointing because it involves absolutely no head-to-head action, simul-jumping, or destruction of the weaker Monster Trucks. It's just each one going after the other.

Here is me smoking a cigar in Key West. It's amazing what being an adult male at a wedding will make one do.

COME ON PEOPLE LOOK AT THIS TATTOO IT IS BOB MARLEY MORPHING INTO A LION

Hello, my name is Mikey and I'm 7 1/2 feet tall and I'm a zombie.

Ed Hardy now produces and sells chardonnay for $9.99 a bottle.

And last but not least, some place we went to in Key West had a VHS copy of Cocktail displayed prominently behind the bar. Our bartender was unsurprisingly practicing some pretty sweet flair in his downtime.

Florida: Pretty Much Just For Bragging and Tacos

2009-09-10T15:23:00.007-05:00

So Florida was okay.

As I get older, I realize the great joy one can derive from making one's peers feel worse about having to go about their day-to-day lives while you go on vacation. Pictures like this make that so much easier.

But enough of that. We visited Ana's sister in Tampa, where we got to hang out with nephew Mikey

We went to the local science museum, which basically consisted of gross-out interactive exhibits. In short, awesome. Look at arm hair when magnified! Gross!

Look at what I'll look like at 70!

Look at Ana's height! Can't fake that! It's digital!

Finally, we met up with Jenny at a taco place. Here she is after obviously saying something hurtful.

In fact, Jenny's chastisement for my lack of posting lately is pretty much the only reason I posted this today. One day I'll get the stupid iMac fixed so I don't have to use this tiny computer with its terrible graphics program. You'll see.

METAL

2009-08-12T17:28:00.009-05:00

Honestly, when you're a kid, what is the most awesome thing ever? Limousines. And possibly Slayer. We just decided to combine the two, that's all.

THE CEILING WAS MIRRORED

THERE WERE LITTLE PLASTIC STRANDS WITH LIGHTS ON THE END OF THEM

This is how McGill figures one drinks Champagne while riding a limo to a metal concert.

Murph hears metal, limo-surfs, accidentally stops the CD.

STRETCHCURSION

OMG, look who's here! It's Teebz.

Here it appears that Pierce and I are judging Teebz' shotgunning abilities. Pierce: upper half. Me: lower half.

We do not know this guy, but he's wearing a shirt that looks like Teebz.

If I had seen my wrist when I was 15, I wouldn't have believed it. VIP for Slayer?!? As an aside, no advantage was taken of the VIP status, unfortunately. No tour buses, no ladies. Sigh.

Stage on fire. Lower left: dude with wicked farmer tan/tribal.

The traditional greeting at a Slayer concert.

Old people.

A Quick Recap of THE MOST ANNOYING NIGHT IN HISTORY

2009-08-01T16:36:00.002-05:00

1. While rehanging a menu board, I knocked this plaster Alka-Selter demon off a ledge and onto my coworker's forehead. No concussion, probably.

Promptly thereafter, the soda gun stopped working.

While trying to fix it, barback slices his finger open and has to go to the emergency room to get stitches. We get to pour mixers out of two-liter bottles for the rest of the night.

Approximately an hour later, credit card processing ceases to function. Cut to me making obscene gestures at the registers multiple times, to no avail. For approximately 45 minutes operations cease because PEOPLE DON'T CARRY CASH. We break out these things

which are old-timey. Bonus: no tip line! Then McGrillz figures out how to fix it.

One Week: MULTIPLE POSTS

2009-07-31T15:19:00.003-05:00

Today is a hodgepodge, largely because I have these three unrelated pictures and not very much interest in relating them.

Exhibit 1: Customer pays, I am on board with this. Joe shoves his head in the corner for good measure.

The Pug is a true neighborhood bar. How can I say this, you ask? It's only been open for a couple years!! I argue that the presence of an IOU in a bar constitutes neighborhoodiness. And there's one, right behind the apparition, stuck to the bell.

31 years later, I get my first pair of cowboy boots. Now I have to get jeans that can accompany them. These citified jeans I've been wearing are not gonna hack it.

I Always Knew My Distaste for X-Men Would Come Back To Haunt Me (+Klay?)

2009-07-28T16:47:00.007-05:00

So we went to Maryland somewhere yesterday (to get there: Take a right on New Hampshire Ave and keep going forever) to hang out with Ana's sister and her two boys. Here's the one, who opened the afternoon with a little quiz for yours truly:

Outside, afternoon.

Me: Hi

Kid: Hi what are you doing here

Me: I'm here with your Aunt to hang out with your mom.

Kid: Ok. Do you like X-Men?

Me: (LYING) Sure

Kid runs to get some action figures, brings them back.

Kid: What's your name?

Me: Scott

Kid: Ok you'll be Scott (holds up the super-lame X-Man with the laser eyes or whatever).

Me: (BUMMED) Ok

Kid holds up a blue X-Man.

Kid: This is Beast.

Me: Yeah

Kid holds up another X-Man.

Kid: Who is this?

Me: (Immediately pissed that the kid has sensed my lack of knowledge about and general dislike for his favorite things ever) Uh, I dunno.

Kid: (Disgusted) Ugh. CoLOssus.

I walk over to Ana and her sister and sit down.

Scene.

The thing about me and certain things, like the X-Men and the Princess Bride, is that I don't like them. For no reason, really, other than that I decided not to like them somewhere along the way. The X-Men, I figure, is basically just Harry Potter with adults; I don't like Harry Potter, so ipso facto etcetera ergo proctor hoc I don't like X-Men.

Which isn't a big deal until a kid challenges you on it and you lose.

You know who didn't quiz me about kid stuff? This one, who is basically a painting by a Dutch Master.

Bonus: Cat pouting under a stool

and three adult males wearing Mickey Mouse shirts.

Blays: The Return of the Blay

2009-07-22T17:48:00.002-05:00

Int., a bar. A woman who has purchased the same drink twice using cash ($6) returns for a third time.

Woman: Hi! Can I have another?

Me: Sure.

I make the drink and set it in front of her.

Me: $6.

Woman: I only have $5. Makes gritting-teeth face. Can I---?

I take drink back.

Me: Doesn't really work that way. Come on back when you get $6.

Woman lets out maniacal laugh.

Woman: HAHAHAHAHAHA I KNEW THAT WOULD HAPPEN HAHAHAHAHAHAHA I JUST KNEW IT

Scene.

Purchase!

2009-07-20T19:37:00.001-05:00

Am presently purchasing my first-ever pair of cowboy boots:

Lucchese 1883 style what

BEHOLD THE LONGEST BLOG POST IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD WIDE WEB SLASH I AM BACK

2009-07-11T17:44:00.007-05:00

In retrospect, it seems my obsession with Jeff G was really just a ploy to give people something to read while I didn't post for six weeks. Did it work? Probably. Also, look at his most recent gem (IT'S LIKE A MOVIE!!)!

But anyways. I've been very busy going to work on some days and still waiting for the Bronco I bought seven years ago to be street-legal (actually just five months), which might happen this month? Things have been happening, like one guy drove it out to another guy in Sterling where they pulled out the engine and machined it. For those of you not in the know, you might think the previous sentence is redundant (on account of how an engine IS a machine, so how can it be "machined?" But don't worry, "machining" is really just a fancy word for "fixing." Rednecks, I've found, don't really like to make up new words so they just use the same ones in different ways. (Hence carburator.)

Really I'm just excited because Patso gave me this carwarming gift.

Speaking of Peter Cetera, dunno if everyone knows about his semi-ongoing feud with his Twitter awesomepersonator/impersonator (@PeterCetera/me), which generally includes strangers saying nasty things. Here's a few good ones:

@indonesiatogo (aside: I wonder if this name is "Indonesia To Go" or "Indonesia Togo"? It really could be both, as neither makes sense. How do I get a country to go? What relationship do Indonesia and Togo have with each other?) sez: @petercetera is a dipshit @tweetercetera is the real deal.

I'm pretty sure he doesn't know either person, so his judgement seems pretty hasty.

@KennyCetera (FOR REALS PETER CETERA HAS A BROTHER WHOSE NAME IS KENNY AND IS A SINGER OF SOME SORT--warning--do not listen if you do not want to be sad) sez: @PeterCetera you're an idiot RT Find out who he is and pubslish his personal info. No wait, he wants the attention.

@Worm0082(!) sez: @PeterCetera SCUMBAG!

And finally, my favorite:

@cidaliacastro sez: @PeterCetera JERK. Burn in hell, mutherfucker.

Ms. Castro damns @PeterCetera TO HELL. Seems a pretty stiff punishment for essentially making a celebrity appear way more interesting than he really is. Cross reference one of Peter Cetera's (whose handle is @tweetercetera, for serious) actual recent Twitter posts (Out here in the high desert with bro and all the girls...Well folks, certainly no rain here but my bro hoped I'd brind some.It's dry bye.pC) with one of @PeterCetera's: Sometimes a warm two-handed handshake is a suitable replacement for a hug. Other times, you just need to put on "You're the Inspiration." COME ON NO CONTEST
Whew. Writing about Twitter is annoying.

In other news, a person down the street planted a banana tree, adding sand at the base as if the tree would get tricked into thinking it was in the tropics. This tree is dying a slow death.

In the "Things that Gross Me Out That Really Aren't That Gross" category, this unopened can of tuna somebody left at work.

We saw Sonic Youth last week. They're old, yes, but they haven't started wearing studded belts and lamé t-shirts. That said, it wasn't the best show I've ever seen, but it was still enjoyable. Their catalog is big enough that they could play probably 200 songs I've never even heard. Which was the case this time. Requisite bad picture:

For those of you who don't live in DC, the Real World has deigned to film a season here! We're in 23rd place, just after Cancun! Here is a picture of a boom mic that I almost ran into when trying to get lunch the other day:

Your stimulus tax dollars at work: take a dog park and turning it into a dog park WITH GRADED HILLS AND LANDSCAPING! $1 million.

Ana's stupid cat is terrifying, BTW.

This is very old but I still want one.

I KNEW the ladies had some particular length of eyelash that they used to seduce me!!!!!!!!

Remember when I posted every time I went to dinner?

Last month Ana went to California and I went to Atlantic City to play cards with this drunk Bruce Dern impersonator.

I HAVE BEEN LOOKING EVERYWHERE FOR TRANSFAT-FREE CRABBERS WITHOUT ANY TRANSFAT

Sparkling wine!

Sold the old bike.

July 4th=canned beer.

Smile.

Everyone May Now Relax, Exhale, Take a Load Off, Recline, Repose, Rest, Simmer Down

2009-05-30T19:27:00.003-05:00

Jeff "Cognoscente" G. has become Jeff "Truculent" B. Many thanks to Owen for somehow finding this.

Whew. He will from now on be known as Jeff B Nee G.

THE WORST, MOST TROGLODYTE, INANE, ASININE, CORNSWAGGLED, OBSTETRITIOUS DAY IN HISTORY

2009-05-28T17:05:00.003-05:00

Jeff G. has been BANNED. For what, you ask? For "violating" something Yelp! calls its "terms of service," whatever that means. I'm guessing that their terms of service must preclude its members from being AWESOME.

So what do we do, people? We do what those Boy Scouts did in Mr. Smith Goes to Washington: write hundreds of letters that Jeff G. can present at the Senate hearing on his banishment. Below is a form letter that you can cut and paste for yourself:

Dear Yelp!,

I am a PERTURBED Yelp! citizen. Why, you ask? I'll EDIFY, ENLIGHTEN, and ENDUE you: you have banned the best reviewer on Yelp!, that's why. Jeff G., of Washington, DC, has BEQUEATHED the most EXCEPTIONAL, FAVORABLE, FIRST RATE, GNARLY, GRATIFYING reviews to us, his readers, over the past few months.

Please, Yelp!. Do not take Jeff G. away from us. You are our only hope.

Signed,

[You]

Now head here and make this travesty go away.

New Blay! Miscommunication Edition

2009-05-26T15:02:00.003-05:00

Int., a bar.

Guy orders a Long Island Iced Tea ($7.50), hands me a twenty dollar bill.

Me: $7.50.
Guy: Can I get $13 back?
Me: No.

Scene.

Int., a bar.

Bro: Can we get four Car Bombs?
Me: Sorry, man. We don't do bombs. (Not a lie--Ed.)
Bro: What?
Me: We don't do Car Bombs.
Bro: What, are you Catholic?

Scene.

Normal, Non-Jeff G-Related Post

2009-05-26T14:41:00.005-05:00

Apologies if you're not interested in fake-internet non-celebrity stalking. Here's some normal content:

First, I went to the Natinals game last week, which was fun and all but really the Abe Lincoln costume is wayyyy more terrifying than it needs to be. This thing definitely set at least three kids into crying fits, and unsettled me something fierce.

Second, we went to the soft opening of the unfortunately-named H St. Country Club on Saturday. Here's a wide shot of the mini-golf course (Ana is on the path to give some perspective):

The design is pretty awesome, really, even though I don't think the mini-golf is going to be particularly challenging. Here's The Awakening of Marion Barry:

Here's my favorite, the Zombie Presidents hole (the one on the right is Martin Van Buren, who was originally supposed to be Howard Taft, an idea that was axed by the overlord for whatever reason):

And a mixing-bowlish loop:

All in all, the place is well designed. I can't imagine making a trip of it, though. Get ready for large parties of people otherwise terrified of NE to be inhabiting HSCC.

Finally: roses again!

Jeff G's Waifish, Asian Sexpot Girlfriend FOUND?!?!

2009-05-26T14:30:00.005-05:00

Chad America, the internet sleuth, has uncovered what is likely the biggest scoop in Yelp! history. Scouring Jeff G's friend list, he finds one Sabrina M, who--while not exactly waifish

definitely fits the "Asian" and possibly "sexpot" descriptors that Jeff G has given us.

But the biggest giveaway, of course, is the reviewing style. One look at this sentence (from her review of Maxfield's in LA) and I think you'll agree--these two are like a Yelp! Bonnie and Clyde:

Maxfield is amazingly snazzy, du jour, chic, snazzy, hot, chi-chi, au courant, and always always the most sophisticated couture at ridiculously outstanding prices even by common folk standards!!

Come on!! Snazzy TWICE? Au courant? Sounds to me like this lady has been to 32 countries on 5 continents. But really, this little snippet seals the deal:

if you're looking for a tongue slapping, spicy, delicious, flavorful, Mexican meal go to Loriol Plaza

Any true Jeff G aficionado will recognize that particular descriptive gem. Next up: where does she bartend?

ME+JEFF G=BFF 4EVR OMG LOLZ !!!1! PLUS HE KIND OF OUTS HIMSELF

2009-05-18T16:40:00.008-05:00

Alot of people out there are COOT GALOOT SHERPA CLODs and don't have PERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS with JEFF G via THE INTERNET. Others of us, ME, do.

First, here's my Yelp! profile pic (my childhood dog, who will soon be immortalized):

And of course, here's Jeff's:

(Aside: he just looks like your everyday dude, huh? Just a little gel here, a little groomed facial hair there, a little Soul Rebel for good measure)

So I sent Jeff G a message on Yelp the other day, admiring his reviews and noting that they are THE BEST ON YELP, PLZ KEEP IT UP. And what do you know but JG wrote be back, and wicked promptly!

Unfortunately, his message was bereft of capital letters. It was also bereft of the things we all love about him: grammatical errors, creative spellings of arcane adjectives (WHINGY?), and vitriol. Look at this boring thing:

Hey Scott
Thanks for your awesome compliment. Thanks for reading my reviews. I really appreciate it and it means a lot to me that you enjoy them.

I don't know how to react to this. It is like a normal response from a non-lunatic.

Then comes the bam: Jeff G. outs himself! So much for his WAIFISH ASIAN GIRLFRIEND (WHERE DOES SHE BARTEND, PEOPLE?!?):

Anyhow, I love your dog by the way! Whats his/her name! He looks like he's a bundle! You should put some more pics up!
Ciao
Jeff

I'm not hating, I'm just saying that straight dudes don't A) love YORKSHIRE TERRIERS or B) refer to them as "bundles."

So begins my lifelong friendship with Jeff G.

Blay: Grab Bag

2009-05-16T18:02:00.002-05:00

Int., a bar. A patron goes into a section of the bar that is chained off. I confront her as she comes out.

Me: Why did you go down there?

Girl: It looked so exciting!

Me: But you saw that it was chained up.

Girl: Uh huh

Me: So you knew that it was closed.

Girl: Uh huh

Me: In general, it's a bad idea to go into places that are chained off.

Girl: There was liquor everywhere! I could've stolen it.

Me: Also a bad idea to threaten thievery in a business as justification for going into a place that's off limits.

Girl: What?

Me: Ok.

Girl: Can I get a White Russian? I didn't steal anything.

Scene.

Int., a bar. Three thirtysomething dudes are celebrating one's graduation from law school. They order three shots. After they take them, one vomits it back into the glass. It is gross.

Friend #1: Ha, ha. I could tell you some stories about that guy.

Me: Do they all involve him vomiting back into his glass?

Friend #1: Yeah

Me: I don't really want to hear those. You see, we're the ones who get to clean up after dudes

Friend #1: Oh, yeah.

Me: Maybe you should teach him how to handle himself.

Friend #1: Yeah

Friend #2: Has anybody ever puked in their glass before?

Me: Yes.

Friend #2: Oh. Bummer.

Scene.

Jeff G TAKES OVER THE UNIVERSE

2009-05-11T17:20:00.005-05:00

Seriously, people, you need to get interested in the Cognoscente. Jeff G. is the best thing to happen to the internet since yesterday. Come on! He has been to FIVE CONTINENTS!

So it is only natural that our birthday card to Patso would pinch his style:

What if Michelle Obama Was My Girlfriend (Honeymoon is Over Edition)

2009-05-09T16:16:00.003-05:00

Hey, can we talk? Yes I KNOW you're busy shaking peoples' hands and going to get hamburgers. But this is important. What's so important, you ask? I'll tell you. I'm BORED. I mean, where are we? In some place with blue fabric behind us, talking to boring people about even more boring topics?

What happened to the excitement? The late-nite runs to Atlantic City? Blowing off security detail, running to the mall, polishing off a couple 40s?

Sigh.

Negative Adjective Bonanza

2009-05-09T15:27:00.004-05:00

If you're not already addicted to Yelp!, you should be. Where else do you get to read people's unchecked narcissism mixed with their unchecked hatred of life?

Sometimes you find gold mines like Jeff "Cognoscente" G., who apparently is a male model of some sort,

and who, it seems, reviews every establishment he comes across. Like, for instance, this gem about a store that sells light fixtures:

TERRIBLE! AWFUL! DESPICABLE! WHAT A WASTE OF TIME! ABYSMAL!

Now THAT's a review.

But that's just a taste. He reviews two (2) different Whole Foods (both 5 stars), a car wash (4 stars), a liquor store (4 stars) and more.

But nothing compares to his review of my place of employment. Behold, the adjectives he uses to describe the service:

ATROCIOUS
UGLY
FUMING
DESPICABLE
DEPRESSED
DESPERATE
ugly
snooty
inane
sarcastic
rude
ignorant
bloated
weirdo

I wish I could remember this dude so I could replicate whatever inane service he got.

Oh hey, Wazzah.

2009-05-04T18:32:00.006-05:00

I am only posting this video because of the 2:10 mark. That's for you, Pep Pep.

Then there is this car that I've walked by a million times and I finally took a picture out of anger:

There is no excuse for any of the things that are happening on this car's bumper. Not even ironic excuses. Let's go left to right:

Bad double entendre:

Africa is a continent, not a Koala Bear

Runner girl is being chased by electrical impulses

Then the clincher

Really, it's 2009. Fishes of any sort are inappropriate. I will accept this one though

Finally, cat sleeping on towel.

Trolling

2009-04-30T16:24:00.003-05:00

I got bored, which sometimes means that I clean out old emails. I found my confirmation email from Columbia House in November 2000 (I, too, am surprised that Columbia House existed in 2000 AND that I was a member). I was hoping that my free record choices would prove to be hilarious.

A Tribe Called Quest, Anthology
2Pac, All Eyez On Me
Michael Jackson, History: Past, Present And Future
Sinead O'Connor, The Lion and the Cobra
The Cure, Disintegration
The Smiths, Singles
Bjork, Post
New Order, Substance
Q-Tip, Amplified

Even the weakest of the ten, Q-Tip, is still totally listenable. In retrospect, it looks like I was replacing some albums that had been lost in the shuffle. Also, I am really mad that this list included no albums by Limp Bizkit or Silverchair.

Little Help Please

2009-04-29T20:05:00.003-05:00

I don't know if it's just burnout, or the 90 degree April weather, or what, but I've been struggling for content lately. You can tell this by the fact that I'm posting a cat picture. Look at the dominion:

This one's pretty good, though. Staged picture of new father drinking day-old champagne punch out of a gatorade jug:

Blay, vol. V: Earth Day Edition++!

2009-04-25T03:06:00.003-05:00

I had almost forgotten about Blays until tonight.

Int., a bar.

Man orders four beers from a California Brewery and four waters. I deliver the waters with straws. Man takes straws out and tosses them on the bar.

Man: No petroleum for me, bro.

Scene.

Part 2:

Int., a bar.

A man approaches.

Man: Can I get a beer?

Me: Sorry, man, I can't serve you.

Man: Why

Me: Because we've had to kick you out on numerous occasions for being too drunk.

Man: Can I get a beer?

I walk away.

Man: Under his breath. Fag.

Me: Turns slowly around, smiling. What's that you say?

Man: Quickly, slurring. You're the man. You're the man. Leaves.

Scene.

Back on that Horse

2009-04-20T17:11:00.004-05:00

It's been too long. Cheesey biscuits:

One day I'll come up with my own recipe for JAMMIE DODGERS

I meant to post something about going to the baseball game last week, but the pictures were exceptionally boring. Except for this one, which is of a pirate (he's wearing a patch if you can't tell).

Also, let's all welcome the newest reader, ChadAmerica's as-yet-unnamed second heir to the throne.

Look at This Infuriating Thing

2009-04-15T19:58:00.004-05:00

So I decided that since I was already wasting time, I'd start looking for available Twitter accounts for characters or famous people, should I get especially bored later and want to act like I was them. Turns out there's an absurd number of them already taken. Names that are taken and not being used:

AlexPKeaton (Dude's picture is of Napoleon Dynamite, which makes no sense.)

danhalen (Come on, this one needs to be used.)

rick AND ajsimon (?????)

DrGirlfriend (You, sir, are no Doctor Girlfriend.)

elicash (he twitters in a sort of obsolete vernacular)

DrVenkman (I suppose it'll be in use soon)

RoaldDahl (ARRRRRRRRR)

EveKendall (tho I don't know that I could do her justice)

FredSchneider, RobSchneider, Roy Scheider... WAIT THERE'S NO ROY SCHEIDER. There is now. Success.

Casting Call: PIRATES OF ADEN

2009-04-15T15:59:00.006-05:00

Check it: my casting of the forthcoming movie, PIRATES OF ADEN: THE TRUE STORY OF HOW AMERICAN SNIPERS TAKE OUT ANARCHISTS

The crew of the Maersk Alabama:

The likely cast:

The guy on the far left will obviously be played by Grady from Sanford and Son. Hollywood has necromancers, right?

Next in line is Forest Whitaker, the easiest choice of the bunch. He will likely still think he is Idi Amin, though, which might cause production problems.

To Whitaker's left is Kimbo Slice, who after his fake MMA career is likely looking to start acting. The muscle.

The chubby guy to Kimbo's left is the chubby guy from Shaun of the Dead. Two words: comic interludes.

To his left, fresh from becoming a government insider, is Executive Producer Kal Penn. The smart one.

And finally Billy Bob Thornton. The Wild Card.

For the captain, the triumphant return of the smartalecky attorney from Night Court!

Hollywood, pls just leave VM.

First Order of Business: Spare Tire Cover

2009-04-06T18:28:00.005-05:00

Just found this goldmine. Please to help me decide. Some of my favorites:

Terrifying yet patriotically rabid wolf:

Unicorn surrounded by fluttering butterflies:

Majestic lion peering from the darkness:

Plus: new Big Hunt shirts started:

Banas Foster

2009-04-05T16:34:00.008-05:00

Every once in a while at work, things are normal, everybody's enjoying themselves, and then a dude comes up to you and is all, hey my girlfriend locked herself in the bathroom and I'm pretty sure she's passed out.

This happened recently, to the point where we had to break the door down and carry her out. Don't worry. She's fine (albeit stupid). When we were cleaning up, we found this gem:

It is apparent that Michelle is some form of crisis manager, or negotiator. What better way to rouse someone from unconsciousness than with the promise of Bananas Foster(s)?

Here are some pictures of the Bronco. The naming process is underway. Under consideration so far: Frank, Henry.

What if Michelle Obama Was My Girlfriend (Etiquette Edition)

2009-04-03T18:37:00.003-05:00

Wow, Michy, this is amazing. Thanks a lot for inviting me along for your trip to Buckingham Palace. Sure, I know, who better to coach you on all things etiquette, what with my near-encyclopedic knowledge of the arcane rituals of the Royal Family, but still--to have me along means a lot. Barack is a big man to be able to handle it, I'll say.

Yeah, it's really gr----WAIT OH NO REMEMBER I TOLD YOU ABOUT THE TOUCHING THING

If This is an April Fools I'm Going to Lose It

2009-04-01T13:39:00.005-05:00

This new Omegle thing is basically a program that reverts back to the internet in 1994, where the only thing you could do was chat with a complete stranger. Here's my go:

Also: BRONCO READY TOMORROW OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG Now to get it registered. Which should only take a couple years.

Finally, a small, poor-quality video of TBs preparing to ride down some stairs in a trash can, followed by B riding down them all accidentally.

Sunday Funday Whiskey & Gunday IV

2009-03-31T15:56:00.011-05:00

Up front: nobody died or was maimed, so don't get your hopes up. But that doesn't mean that awesome things didn't happen. This was the most elaborate SFWGD yet, complete with electronics and pressurized canisters of things to shoot.

You might expect that the shooting and blowing up of things is the most fun part of SFWGD. I posit that the purchasing of the things to blow up is just as fun. Say, for instance, that you see this huge container of cheese puffs. To eat or to shoot? No matter, we say. The motto is always one for eatin', one for shootin'. Unless it's something gross, like a big tub of Miracle Whip, which is just for shooting.

Of course, another fun thing is seeing Senior dressed up like a big person on a motorcycle.

And four of us dressed up like tour groups.

I don't know if you remember this, but Joe has enjoyed (?) a string of injury-ridden SFWGDs, so of course we were all paying close attention when he picked up a gun for the first time.

I even tempted fate and shot doubles skeet with him, which I won handily and in no way cheated.

Even though Senior was the only one present for Joe's 4-wheeler accident last year, which basically means that she probably caused it and has been blackmailing him since so he won't go public, people still let her drive them around.

Look at this bunch of poorly-prepared idiots.

It makes SFWGD I look like a Model T, really.

Joe had a good idea to conduct a science experiment, wherein some baking soda would get shot and dump into a jar of vinegar. Only problem: jar was glass, vinegar just poured out. Next year: elaborate suspension system.

Last year began the tradition of mascots (RIP Lobster Nicole Smith, and please to lift the curse on our souls), which continued this year with an adorable stuffed lamb. Here is Evan posing with Shep-Shep and a spy.

Here is Evan ritually executing Shep-Shep.

Later, Shep-Shep was covered in spray paint and refuse.

Who knew that the bottle of Beam from SFWGD I was still in the house? Vintage, people.

Finally, a video of Matt warming up (read: setting fire to) some brush around a liter canister of propane in preparation for Joe (!) to shoot with a shotgun. Please enjoy the terrified screaming of multiple ladies for the first minute or so. There may be cursing, maybe not.

The fire didn't spread. At least not that we noticed.

Look at the guy who said shooting a canister of pressurized gas was a bad idea.

Also, I forgot that we shot my shirt. Here you can see Evan shooting a can of spray paint behind the shirt.

What if Michelle Obama Was My Girlfriend (Off-Color Joke Edition)

2009-03-20T16:09:00.005-05:00

Ha, ha! Yeah, girl, I know how you feel about my cache of off-color jokes. What is it you always say? Not in mixed company, dear? I've been pretty good lately, right? Granted, Sasha was behind me during the Energizer Bunny joke, but I had no idea. I told you I was sorry.

A Mother's Impassioned Plea Falls on Deaf Ears (Too Lazy to Think of Relevant Pun)

2009-03-20T15:09:00.004-05:00

From an interested party, who asked that this be unedited/anonymous (but didn't ask that I not add my own responses/plus not sure how anonymous one can be when referencing puns AND Minnesota):

[You] heady kids need to transcend their pedantic, corporeal fascination with holding/shooting a gun and unleash their intellect (which they appear to possess in amazing abundance [agreed]) and make it sunday PUNday. That's totally a good idea except puns don't make loud noises and blow things up.

Puns are cool and witty and never hurt anyone. Except nerds in middle school. The streets would be safer, and parents all over (including Minnesota) would be able to sleep at night!! Eschew the raw power of metal and the stench of gunpowder and free your inner punster, I say. The rest will follow. The world would be a better place for having you in it adding joy one pun at a time, rather than shooting it up. This basically insures that we'll be shooting signs that say "pun." Like they said in Oregon, stop the hate!!! Value added, people.

Just how I feel. I hate sunday funday/America. And, in the main, I'm not a hater.

You young, childless adults (woo hoo!) will understand one day when your beloved offspring come to you and say, "I want to drink til I puke and shoot a gun at lobsters seated on a sofa, you ok with that?" As long as there are no puns involved, Johnny.

love to all, a mother.

Pictures, Explained

2009-03-18T17:02:00.004-05:00

Rather than create a narrative about five days in California and Oregon, which would require comprehension of time and space, I'd rather just comment on some pictures.

First, following in the first rule of American salesmanship, this guy yells obscenities at passersby, then sells them tea, further proving that people love being belittled, all the while justifying my personal work philosophy.

If every restaurant and bar in the world served some version of roasted bone marrow, it would be fine with me. This particular version is from Alembic, has capers and some other stuff, and was served to us by a very sad and weeded bartender who had to make lots of deconstructed Mint Juleps for tourists. He was particularly bummed about the fact that he was still waiting for his grenadine to cool, which is a problem I will likely never encounter.

The trip incorporated about 1200 miles of driving from San Francisco to Eugene, OR and back, a trip which gave me some form of back cancer that makes me walk like a comical old man. Ana and Amy find that HILARIOUS.

Somewhere in San Francisco, somebody's idea of a treasure chest is an oversized plastic container covered in affirmations.

Meanwhile, in Myrtle Creek, OR, the Dairy Queen has a cheeseburger eating competition that started in 2003 and seems to have reached its pinnacle on May 3, 2008, when dudes named Ammon and Tony ate 14 1/2 and 16 cheeseburgers, respectively.

The rules for the contest, which were on another unpictured sign, read something like this: "The cheeseburger contest rules: Eat more than the guy who came before you. Ask employees for details." We didn't ask, but I'm pretty sure the details would include them telling us that we needed to eat more than 16 cheeseburgers. I had a Blizzard instead.

In Eugene, restaurants have signs that tell you that you're entering a "Hate-Free Zone." Lucky for us they didn't do a hate search, cuz they would've probably kicked us out. Also, the picture of George Bush in the bathroom seemed to be covered in hate. Hippies have never been sticklers for consistency.

Here's a picture of Myrtle Creek.

Don't Forget to Buy Your Sunday Funday T-Shirt.

2009-03-18T15:49:00.001-05:00

Because what fun is shooting guns unless you're all dressed alike?

And Now: Pins

2009-03-18T14:55:00.005-05:00

I'm pretty sure pinmaking is a lost art, although I don't have any data to back up that argument. So I was pretty stoked to find a great selection of old pins at some store in San Francisco.

1. An old Bronco, for myself, since I need to start building my Bronco-related wardrobe and plus I can't really remember what it looks like SINCE IT'S STILL AT THE MECHANIC AND I'M DYING INSIDE

2. Minnesota, for Junes, because that's where she lives. FOR NOW.

3. A Steelers helmet, for Anne. Because she works down at the smelting plant.

4. Georgia, for me.

5. Canada/USA, for Sandy. Because she's both those things.

6. A school bus, for Chad. Because he seems to really like children.

NOT PICTURED: A pterodactyl, for Joe, and an eagle holding a bottle of whiskey, for me. Cuz it matches.

I apologize if your home state/defining personal detail was not available in pin form.

But First: Bracketology!

2009-03-18T14:24:00.004-05:00

Last year I was mildly successful. By which I mean that I predicted that the two teams that played in the championship would both lose in the third round. This year I predict that I will get every game right. Even if I don't, at least I'm not a flip-flopper like a particular head of state.

Click for annotations!

To Tide Over

2009-03-17T13:35:00.002-05:00

Me, Ana and Amy in San Francisco, posing for our upcoming LP release. I'd post more but I'm walking at the speed of Tim Conway's Old Man character from the Carol Burnett Show, so I have to leave early to get to work.

What if Michelle Obama Was My Girlfriend (Public Service Edition)

2009-03-06T17:30:00.003-05:00

Hey, Michy. Yeah, I know you told me that you'd be busy working at the soup kitchen all day, but I couldn't help myself. Something about you helping the less fortunate, not to mention the cardigan and apron, makes me love you even more. You feel like catching a movie tonight? Jonas Brothers 3D is playing in Chinatown.

Sorry, Last Ones I Promise

2009-03-04T20:18:00.001-05:00

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA I'm the fat one

When In Need of Content Check Drawers for Things

2009-03-04T18:21:00.003-05:00

This picture is from my dorm room my sophomore year in college, in 1997.

1. My Cannondale mountain bike, which I regrettably sold out of frustration (it had been taking up all my closet space for like 3 years) in 2005 for $200. It was way too big for the dude who bought it.

2. I had a sweet Macintosh LCIII. $1350 got you 4MB of RAM and a 40MB (MB!) hard drive. When one remembers this, complaining about how expensive Macs are now seems petty.

3. Being a white dude in college, I had a guitar. Which I rarely played. I ultimately gave it to Mikey, I think.

4. The weird thing about this picture is that I don't have socks on. I almost always wear socks.

This is from a few months later, after we moved into an apartment off campus.

1. Ansel Adams print. Obligatory.
2. Greatful Dead throw. Also obligatory, albeit not mine.
3. Exposed brick. This might has well have been a flat in Soho for all we knew.
4. Leo the Persian, which Justin (roommate) found in the road in south Georgia.

This apartment building would soon be condemned.

My Friends Are Funny

2009-03-04T15:38:00.006-05:00

I'm short on content, but it's no biggie because I know Murph AND TBs.

Here's a little setup: dudes who work at bars generally aren't into things called "tweeting," but something struck recently and a growing number of service industry dudes (ladies are apparently more scrupulous) have formed an increasingly awesome Twitter group. @thepatso, @sleepymurph, @thomsono, @tittyballs, @chadamerica, @faggo, @me, etc... It's getting to be pretty fantastic.

So last night, @tittyballs decides to keep a running tally of his barback's (@johnnythuder?) good and bad acts for the evening. The list of bads at the end of the night is choice:

Favorites: "6. Broke Tittyballs' Magic Wand"; "7. Jinxed us"

Last Saturday, @sleepymurph sent the following missive: A POX OF SEVEN GENERATIONS ON ANYONE WHO PLAYS PUB GOLF. Then, being the intellectually curious and empathetic man that he is, he decided to play a round, by himself, last night.

His debrief of the experience is posted here, and is totally worth the read. A good selection:

Next time you do a car bomb take a good look at the nasty curdled sludge left in the glass, or feel the sticky coating left over after a Jager bomb, do you feel like fishing in there with your fingers to get the shot glass out? How about fishing it out of a stranger's glass? How about 40 strangers' glasses? See how this is getting out hand really quickly?

Also, he was 13 shots under par through 9 holes, which must be some sort of golf record.

I Am Weirdly Hoping Jimmy Fallon Succeeds.

2009-03-03T14:44:00.003-05:00

It might be because he's so obviously nervous. But really, "Slow Jam the News" is a great idea.

While You're Waiting for Bronco Pictures

2009-03-02T18:20:00.002-05:00

You should go here and vote for this/me! for the best local blog, and then take your pick for best bartenders.

Today!!1

2009-02-28T17:44:00.003-05:00

Have you ever looked at the book stand at your local FedexKinkosOffice? It's one of those creep-up-on-you depressing things.

Really, You're Broke Because You Buy This Book.

Bonus! Old picture of Pedro dying as a kitten.

I promise that I will have pictures of the Bronco one day. Either that or the dude at the shop stole it.

Wednesday!!1

2009-02-25T19:36:00.003-05:00

Sometimes (all the time) you just wanna get some pho, and the idea makes you really excited.

Especially when you get there and realize that it's the best phomaker in the world. Seriously, all you people who are opening pho places in the city need to steal this dude. He's about yay high, Vietnamese, and remembers us every time we come.

Here's a spiral pain d'epis from yesterday.

I'm the Worst

2009-02-23T15:25:00.004-05:00

I can't believe that I was so busy making fun of Goldie Hawn last night that I missed the 2nd Anniversary of keeping an web diary (this). Oh wait, of course I can believe it! Nice pecs, GH!

Of course, two years ago I envisioned a Jackie Harvey-esque version of things, which quickly devolved into mostly putting up pictures of myself and cats. And now I'm a millionaire!

Saturday Grab Bag

2009-02-21T18:12:00.004-05:00

Picked up Bronco successfully yesterday, which was followed by a ride to Fall's Church to get everything checked out. This is what is called a "tease." Perhaps will have more pictures, like ones with me standing next to it giving a thumbs-up, on Tuesday.

Senior points out that I should start stockpiling Bronco-related clothing items, at least a hat, to start wearing all the time. I choose these.

One of the more rare notes left on credit card slips is the unsolicited and unnecessary apology, like this one, from a person who had done nothing:

Maybe it was a general apology, like to the world, for existing. Although the 50% tip seems to say that something happened that I just didn't know about. Like, say, this.

Finally, cats have cage match

PS If you're on Twitter, please add to my growing list of #peoplewhoshouldtwitter.

PPS Also you can give me ideas for vanity plates (so far, ideas include "VANITY" "KTHXBAI" "BRO-CO" "PHO") here, or here.

What if Michelle Obama Was My Girlfriend (Underdressed Edition)

2009-02-19T17:16:00.003-05:00

Hey, M---- oh, God. This isn't happening. I though you said the dress code was "gym casual"! What? I never saw the invitation, girl. Come on. You know I would've remembered that. Ugh. Do I have time to change? God, sometimes I feel like you do this on purpose.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I didn't mean that. It's just a miscommunication. Come here and give me a hug.

Link Dump

2009-02-19T15:33:00.005-05:00

Three straight posts with no pictures? QUE HAPPEN?

"What must be NY's first artisanal bacon bar." (via Fimoculous)

Paste, Pitchfork, Pop Matters review Benjy's new album. (C'mon, Pitchfork! Do you really need to universalize a concept album about Bobby Driscoll? Seems to me that it universalizes itself)

Old Jews Telling Jokes (via BaconJew)

Also, someone needs to start a campaign to eradicate the use of "snark" as the only possible modifier for internet humor. I'll do it if nobody else does.

Update: Forgot to link to this sad news a couple days ago. Salih's book Season of Migration to the North is one of my favorites, ever.

Agenda: SF 3/09

2009-02-18T22:27:00.002-05:00

1. El Farolito
2. Toronado
3. Magnolia
4. Zuni
5. Zeitgeist
6. Gestalt
7. Rosamunde Sausage Grill

Feel free to add non-food or -beer related ideas. But they will probs be ignored.

Things I Will Be Doing in New Bronco

2009-02-18T19:02:00.002-05:00

1) Pho
2) Cruise local college campuses for ladies
3) Pho
4) Beach
5) Pho

Almost A Car Owner + Bar Preview + Pictures

2009-02-17T17:42:00.004-05:00

Yesterday lasted a long time. First, we test drove this, loved it, put down a deposit, will pick it up on Friday. Be prepared for pictures of driving it to Ocean City on whims in the coming months.

Next we went by to visit Teenerz, who is painting the soon-to-be-open H St. Country Club, where I took some unsolicited pictures.

This is the main floor bar:

Which includes the "locker room":

Upstairs is the putt-putt, with this gem of a loopty-loop which will likely result in multiple broken windows:

Get out of town with this rat tidal wave

and my personal favorite, the booted stretch limo horse

Lee Wheeler is responsible for all this, and he is slowly losing his mind but in the most entertaining manner.

Then we went to the Pug and hung out with two old dudes, drank whiskey and quality American beer.

Finally, Black Cat, where Tariq got all creepy-like.

Entropy is Stupid

2009-02-15T16:48:00.004-05:00

Test drove the '74 Camaro today, which was located somewhere outside Quantico, which is like a thousand miles away. Car was beautiful, and I was all excited when he cranked it up, since it sounds like a Camaro should sound, which is like a lion.

Then he mentioned in passing that he has no trunk key, or door keys (!), and that he doesn't have possession of the title, since there's a lien on it, oh and the brakes don't work per se, but look at the engine!

So I reluctantly have to say no. Then I see this Ford Falcon Futura parked next to it, and he says that it's for sale too

And it looks great until I sit in the driver's seat and realize that the floorboards are basically nonexistent. STUPID OLD CARS STOP DETERIORATING

Now my fixation has shifted gears (automotive jargon!) and tomorrow I am looking at this

Finally, Murph Blogs About You People

2009-02-14T21:12:00.005-05:00

Feel free to send in your own examples.

Teebz Fueling Fire of My Own Ego + CamaroTimesUSA

2009-02-14T20:43:00.004-05:00

It's a Valentine's Day miracle! Returned home from (unsuccessful) test drive to this package from Hurrrrllllpppp, LLC, the CEO of which is TEEBZ

Inside of which was none other than a big poster of a picture he took of me that he took over the holidays.

Now to get a fireplace so this baby can get framed and hung over it.

Tomorrow: '74. Yarf

Cheesy Focaccia

2009-02-12T19:40:00.006-05:00

Dinner

2009-02-11T23:02:00.004-05:00

Pork tenderloin is my favorite meat.

(Add greens, grilled apples and bread. Frozen dough works well as a dinner roll.)

Early Midlife Crisis

2009-02-11T15:20:00.003-05:00

I got up today and for some reason decided that I want an old Camaro. Not the kind that are all shiny and restored--no, I want the kind that I can afford. Which is beat up. And AWESOME

Actually, $5k is not my price range at all. Discussion with TBs:

TBs: Get the 74 Camaro just for the redone upholstery and the motor has less than 200 miles...no brainer

Me: I so want it

TBs: BURNOUT CITY!!! I know of some great parking lots for donuts

Me: If I had 5k cash I'd buy it today and we'd go donutting

TBs: We could throw a "Scott needs a rad donut car" fund raising party at bourbon

Me: Ur the problem solver

TBs: I'm breaking out my OP shorts and my Krokus muscle tee

Me: Thing is this will prob happen this summer

TBs: Summer time donut time!!! Tall boy buds! What pool r we picking up chicks at

Me: ALL OF THEM

What if Michelle Obama Was My Girlfriend (Hugging Edition)

2009-02-11T12:54:00.004-05:00

M! Long time no see, girl. Where you been at? What's that? You been hugging kids? Shoot girl, why does that not surprise me. It's like you were made for hugging.

Value Village Finds + (shocker) Bread

2009-02-08T20:32:00.005-05:00

Come on, Value Village! You have this kitteh wall hanging for $3.87 and expect us to walk past it? Huh? I don't know where you were brought up, Value Village, but this is not how it worked in my family.

I have had a dream, possibly from watching North by Northwest too often as a child, or possibly Frasier, of having decanters. Dream fulfilled.

Finally, making ciabatta is on the time-intensive side of things. But it is important for the realization of a sandwich vision I had a few days ago, and will reveal in due time.

KEEP D.C. BORING (THIS TIME WITH LINK)

2009-02-07T16:05:00.001-05:00

Sorry, forgot to link to the actual shirt.

Next Baking Idea: Follow Recipe

2009-02-06T19:44:00.005-05:00

Trying out first batch of dough from book Eric loaned me, I didn't have any instant yeast, so I substituted active dry yeast. Result? Did not rise. Still baked, though, and resulted in two sandwich loaves which are delicious but ridiculously heavy.

Next up: jalapeno cheddar biscuits. Perfect, right! Yes. But no. Did not add salt, so savoriness not as overwhelming as it should be. Luckily there is still peppery cheese goodness to replace it.

Finally: mourning end of last bottle of 1989 R. Lopez de Heredia Blanco Rioja. Must order more. (Thank you to Andy Myers at CityZen for introducing this wine which rulz.)

Jalapeno Cheddar Biscuits

2 cups flour
4 teaspoons baking powder
1/4 teaspoon baking soda
3/4 teaspoon salt
2 tablespoons butter
2 tablespoons unsweetened apple butter
2 large jalapenos, minced
1 cup sharp cheddar cheese, grated
1 cup buttermilk, chilled

Directions

Preheat oven to 450 degrees.

In a large mixing bowl, combine flour, baking powder, baking soda, jalapenos, cheese, and salt. Using your fingertips, rub butter and apple butter into dry ingredients until mixture looks like crumbs. Make a well in the center and pour in the chilled buttermilk. Stir until the dough comes together and is sticky.

Turn dough onto floured surface, dust top with flour and gently fold dough over on itself 6 or 8 times. Press into a 1-inch thick round. Cut out biscuits with a 2-inch cutter, being sure to push straight down through the dough. Place biscuits on baking sheet so that they just touch. Reform scrap dough, working it as little as possible and continue cutting.

Bake until biscuits slightly browned on top, 10 to 15 minutes.

The Triumphant Return of LOLPunk

2009-02-06T16:35:00.000-05:00

Big Brother! (Not so good at math)

2009-02-05T19:23:00.005-05:00

So I just got this ticket for running a red light, a violation which I'm sure I probably did. But when looking a little closer, I noticed that the ticket says I was traveling 92mph in a 25.

The citation does not include speeding, however. Which makes sense, since there is no possible way I was going 92mph.

I would challenge the ticket except I'm sure DC would find a way to charge me retroactively with reckless driving, suspend my license, get me fired from my job, and confiscate my personal possessions.

PokerNight 2.0: This Time it's Something or Other

2009-02-05T17:21:00.004-05:00

This poker night was based largely around tacos, in that they were made for us, as well as the fact that we polished off the bottle of Black Bush (real product) only halfway through the game. But everybody came in their best disguises. Like Chad, who is a member of either a Latino biker gang or a longshoreman or both:

And Cat, who just acted like she wasn't there and hoped to win anyway

And Joe, who was the big winner early on but graciously gave most of it back to the rest of us

and me, who just kept my eyes closed

and hoped that the one card I needed came out. Look! It did!

Sorry, MattBrown. You needed a costume to get into this post.

+++Nush points to this, which aside from the name (it really should be "Wickedify") is amazing.

Welcome to BiscuitTown USA

2009-02-04T18:02:00.003-05:00

Considering how much I love biscuits, it's weird that I haven't made them before (aside from my three-year stint as Saturday morning biscuit-maker at Chick-fil-A Lilburn). Here is my first batch, using Alton Brown's recipe:

His recipe, like most things related to the South, uses Crisco, which has all sorts of oils in various states of hydrogenation. Which people say is not healthy, etc. So I tried another batch replacing the Crisco with unsweetened apple butter (1/1),

being pretty certain that it would not be nearly as delicious. I was wrong. They are better.

Next up: jalapeno cheddar sausage biscuits.

Miscellania

2009-02-03T16:03:00.006-05:00

Punk and I took a portrait.

Boss broke out the 20-year old Dell QuietKey keyboard (which is in fact the opposite of quiet, interestingly) a few weeks ago because he's too cheap to buy a new one. After I mocked (" bossman the 80s called they want their keyboard back etc"), he added the "ERGONOMICALLY PERFECT SINCE 1984."

Who knew that nerds still like the big keyboards, and that the office at work is now with the times?

Very excited about this album. Tracks 2 and 6 in particular.

Remember my mom's horribly disfigured spine? Take a gander:

+++In the NYT Proof blog (when it's not about being a recovering alcoholic, it's pretty good), a great post about downpouring/blended drinks/top shelf v. rail.

Dinner + Buy a Commemorative Shirt for Something that You May Want to Forget

2009-02-01T01:14:00.005-05:00

New bread recipe is good, if a little time-consuming.

Pork remains delicious.

Mini pork tenderloin sandwich:

I really need to overcome my dependence on Sriracha. That or develop a Sriracha bread.

+++Shirt design is complete. Go here to buy (feel free to change the shirt style).

Filling in the Gaps

2009-01-28T21:39:00.003-05:00

For some reason, I didn't post this picture of the ridiculous sirloin at Blue Duck Tavern last week. I'm pretty sure it's the best steak I've ever had.

Updates!

+Jenny appropriately eulogizes the month of January, which is better known as the Month Without Achewood.

+When I was a kid, I wanted a pair of cowboy boots and a pickup truck. The boots part has come back with a vengeance. So I'm counting the days until I can spend way too much money on these.

More Ideas for Sunday Funday ++

2009-01-26T20:39:00.004-05:00

After some discussion, Senior persuaded me that instead of Sunday Funday Whiskey and Gun Day III: The Dawn of the Eve of Destruction, we should completely bypass III and move directly on to IV. This way we could dramatically increase the storytelling ability, since nobody could reasonably argue that we were lying, since they obviously wouldn't have been there. In ten years, we'll be able to tell people that Joe blew his hand off in a pyrotechnics accident during III and he is now working with a bionic hand.

It also give a number of new naming choices, including my personal favorite, Sunday Funday Whiskey and Gun Day IV: Horsemen of the Gunpocalypse. I am even looking forward to everyone wearing a commemorative t-shirt, to fully geekify the weekend.

Please weigh in with your ideas about the design and/or slogan before I actually post it for sale.

While watching Death Wish 3 again a couple days ago, for the first time I thought I'd look into how much getting one of Bronson's amazing custom pistol would cost me. Since it's legal now and all.

While the price is prohibitive ($3k for a once-a-year, possibly homicide-inducing toy seems a bit much), if you have the means you might as well pick up the 18" barrel edition, complete with scope:

Also! My friend Jessica gives a shout. And I shout back. Hi!

What if Michelle Obama Was My Girlfriend 2

2009-01-25T17:45:00.004-05:00

Hey, Michelle. What? Okay, I'll call you Shelley if you really want me to. Anyway, I just wanted to say you look great today. Those people aren't kidding, girl. You are a fashion plate. Huh? Oh, that guy behind you is bothering you? Need me to take care of it? Just say the word.

Whatchu thinking about for dinner tonight? Someplace real special, I say. I can get us a table at Chez Francois.

Price of Fame + Ushering in a New Era of Opaqueness

2009-01-25T17:09:00.006-05:00

When you author a blog that gets 40, 50 or even more visits every day, you're a pretty powerful person, which means that everybody is gonna want a piece of you. Or want you to put a piece of them on the internet. It's the price one must pay. Like this conversation I had with Mitch.

(Another part of being powerful and famous is that you have to censor things.)

Mitch: Sitting around reminiscing about the old apt complex with some friends

Me: Ah the redneck Melrose Place

Mitch: U forgot debauchery-laden

Me: Meh [redacted] didn't even [redacted] with all our friends

Mitch: [redacted][redacted] with [redacted] and [redacted][redacted]. then [redacted] [redacted] and [redacted] all [redacted].

Me: Oh yeah. Haha

Mitch: Looks like you and I are the only ones who didn't [redacted]

Me: As far as we remember haha

Mitch: Eww

Me: [redacted]

Mitch: Write about me!

Me: Like a biography?

Mitch: I was thinking blog. But biography might be yr ticket to big time

Me: True. I'd do this convo but I don't want everybody to know [redacted]

Mitch: Invent a convo. Or just tell them this one is a lie. HEY EVERYBODY - THESE ARE ALL LIES! There. I did it for you.

Me: But my sterling reputation! BTW iPhone auto correct gives "whitish" for "whorish"

Mitch: [redacted]

Me: [redacted] [redacted]

Time to Move on to No-Knead Charcuterie

2009-01-24T18:24:00.003-05:00

I've become comfortable enough with the easy recipe so I think it's time to move on. Here's the half-loaf I made today with some mediocre salami:

Next step: get better salami. Or at least get Eric to make me some.

Just Because

2009-01-23T00:31:00.002-05:00

I love this dude.

What if Michelle Obama Was My Girlfriend: A New Recurring Feature

2009-01-22T20:04:00.002-05:00

Hey, girl. You feel like attending a formal dinner this evening? If not, I'm cool relaxing at home with the kids. Maybe watch a video after we put them to bed.

LIVEBLOG! Service Industry People Whine About Being Tired From Doing Their Jobs!

2009-01-21T19:09:00.005-05:00

TBs: That was a rough few days

Me: You're not joking. I'm exhausted.

TBs: I'm a zombie. I'm sore and have wounds all over my body.

Me: I got out of bed at five and was pissed

TBs: I drank so much Red Bull I'll be going for days

Me: I haven't been outside other than walking to work since Thursday

TBs: I haven't eaten a meal in days

Things I Learned from Inauguration Weekend

2009-01-21T18:15:00.002-05:00

1. I am an asshole. Two people told me so! The second was last night, when I was admittedly near the end of my normally endless rope:

Int., a bar, 10 minutes til close. 50ish Man approaches.

50ish Man: (hoarsely.) I bought a round of beers for my friends before last call and now your doorman isn't letting them in.

Me: Yeah, we can't let anybody in after last call.

50ish Man: But I bought them beers.

Me: I understand. But I can't let them in.

50ish Man: But I bought them beers.

Me: Yes. But by that logic, you could by 50 beers and invite your friends over at 5am to help you finish them off.

50ish Man: So there's no middle ground here?

Me: Sorry, no.

50ish Man walks back to his table. Two minutes pass.

50ish Man walks to the bar with four beers.

50ish Man: I'm not paying for these beers. You can call the cops.

Me: OK.

50ish Man: I'm not paying for them.

Me: Sounds good.

50ish Man walks back to his table, sits down.

50ish Man: (yelling.) Fuck you, asshole!

Me: OK.

50ish Man: (tantruming.) I've been coming to this bar since 1986!

Me: That's fascinating, since it wasn't established until six years later.

50ish Man: You're an asshole!

Me: OK. Oh, and also, you get to leave now.

Scene.

HE WILL BE BACK DAMN YOU ALL HE WILL BE BACK

2009-01-20T17:27:00.003-05:00

Mr. Potter: Look at you. You used to be so cocky. You were going to go out and conquer the world. You once called me "a warped, frustrated, old man!" What are you but a warped, frustrated young man? A miserable little clerk crawling in here on your hands and knees and begging for help. No securities, no stocks, no bonds. Nothin' but a miserable little $500 equity in a life insurance policy.

[Potter chuckles]

My Inauguration Experience

2009-01-20T15:53:00.006-05:00

I was going to go down to the mall for the inauguration, if only to see the crowd, but when I woke up at 11 and checked online, it seemed that they had shut the place down. So instead of wandering around while Obama spoke, I sat on the couch and watched it on TV like a good American. And then I ordered a pizza.

But yesterday on my walk to work I got about as close to the capitol as the majority of the people did today. If you maximize this photo and squint, you can almost see it!

Then later, a bunch of women were taking pictures with a cardboard cutout of Obama.

I might venture down to the parade in an hour or so. Then back to ~~the gulag~~ work.

UPDATE: This parade of hippies just went by my house. They are law-abiding hippies, though, as you can see when they allow the ambulance to pass. I really wish I could hear the things their cop escort is saying.

Tourists Order Things They Don't Even Want

2009-01-17T16:07:00.003-05:00

Int., a bar. Girl approaches.

Girl: Can I have a Sam Adams?

Me: Sorry, we don't carry Sam Adams.

Girl: Can you recommend something else?

Me: Like Sam Adams?

Girl: No, I don't like Sam Adams.

Me: Why did you order it?

Girl: I'm from out of town.

Scene.

Friday Game Time

2009-01-16T16:40:00.003-05:00

This is a game I call "Choose the Person Wearing the Disguise." It is also a semi-ripoff of the over-conceived new ad campaign for Gatorade.

McGillmas Obsvd: Lasertag Edition

2009-01-12T19:45:00.003-05:00

Since Joe shares a birthday with our Lord and Savior, we generally wait until after the holidays to observe it once everything is digested. This year, it was LaserTag in Virginia, somewhere.

Joe somehow finds a dragon/medieval-themed LaserTag joint. He likes those kinds of things.

In our party room, along with snacks and soda pop, the LaserTag people had included a real downer magazine display.

The signage at ShadowLandsLaserTagFamilyFunCentre was choice, and included a place where you can Create-A-Friend:

and get briefed

It also requires its attendees to come up with an alias. Ana: CHALUPA OF PAIN

Me: DEATHBLOW

In between rounds, old people tend to stand around and play skee-ball in silence.

Then later, Laura says she likes my blog. PANDERTIME

New Shock: POTUS-Elect Tips Well

2009-01-10T19:21:00.004-05:00

Ben's Chili Bowl has modified its Bill-Cosby-Is-The-Only-Person-Who-Eats-Free-Here policy to include the Obama family, but when he visited today he handed the cashier $20 for his $12 meal.

"No thanks," he said. "We're straight." *Sigh*

Also, bread is very messy to prepare, but delicious:

I Blanched Something

2009-01-09T20:17:00.006-05:00

TWO straight days at the gym makes a body want some green beans.

It doesn't make one crazy, though: toss those bad boys in some sherry vinegar garlic butter reduction and enjoy. Oh, and forget to snap then ends off.

Tomorrow I'll be continuing my path to baking greatness with the NYT's no-knead bread. Also, dough is gross.

Humans Shockingly Consistent + For Better or For Horrible Briefly Nondormant

2009-01-08T22:28:00.005-05:00

If I were a more fastidious blogger, I'd search for this same article from 1996 in Atlanta and 2002 in Salt Lake City. But I'm not, so.

New For Better or for Horrible up!

Child Cooking Proves Something About Portland, + Sorry Arlington!

2009-01-07T17:20:00.004-05:00

From a 5-year-old's Portland public access cooking show.

Also, for those of you who either thought you would be driving (or biking!) from Arlington to the Inauguration--or anything--in DC on Jan. 20, tough luck! Better hire a limo.

Motivational Poster Generator +++

2009-01-06T16:12:00.004-05:00

This is a worthwhile endeavor, as is evidenced by this gallery of Hunter S. Thompson motivational posters, and this little number:

Also, sister responds to my exposé of her top-secret pin-making organization:

Sister: Chances are good that I will be driving to Warshington tonight to swiftly kill you for betraying the secret of Friendship Pins, Incorporated.

Sister: That Las Vegas mention was really a nice touch of formality and authority.

Sister: Hope the kitty DJing is going awesomely!!

Me: I'm DJing from my phone while texting you. FUTURE

Sister: Good, cuz I'm dressed up like Penny from Inspector Gadget and am currently transmitting from my Computer Book!!!

Me: HAHAHAHAHAHA

PLUS look at me wearing headphones connected to nothing

300th Post=CONFIDENTIAL CLUB INFORMATION + Setlist

2009-01-05T18:24:00.005-05:00

I will bet that you didn't know that I was a member of a top secret organization WHEN I WAS NINE. Lookit.

I wonder: was I in two clubs named Cobras? Or were the NGA Cobras (No Girls Allowed, natch) different from the regular Cobras, in which girls were allowed? Also, which club gave me the rank of "warrior?" I bet it was "Asp." Only a club cool enough to remain singular would have warriors.

Bonus club information: my sister had a top secret Friendship Pin club. In which two people made friendship pins and sold them. Secretly.

Please notice that this top-secret enterprise was linked to the Detective Agency of Las Vegas in the USA.

In no order. 20 songs of about 100.

Phlogging on the Ones and Twos

2009-01-04T21:12:00.004-05:00

I'll be playing music in the Red Room at Black Cat Monday starting at 8pm if'n you want to come by. No requests, marginally good music, likely played from my phone. How can one pass? (Hint: I will likely be the first person to ever play Travis Tritt's "Modern Day Bonnie and Clyde" in the Black Cat.)

Filler: Graphics

2009-01-04T20:02:00.002-05:00

While cleaning the computer, I came across this gem that I made for some reason:

And yesterday I made this one of Dean Venture which I may or may not turn into a t-shirt:

People Who Say Selling Out is a Bad Thing Don't Have Senses of Humor

2009-01-02T20:42:00.001-05:00

This will likely stop being funny within a month, but as of now I'm on board:

DYIR:PIWET (DeffoTotes Year In Review: Places I Went Edition) + Blay vol. IV: NYE Edition

2009-01-02T17:14:00.004-05:00

1. LA + Environs
2. Harper's Ferry, WV
3. Richmond, VA
4. KY, TN, LA, TX
5. Vegas
6. Ocean City, MD
7. Cleveland, OH
8. Atlanta, GA

Blay, vol. IV: Liquid Courage/Dry Humor

Int., a bar. Closing time. A 20-something kid is slow to leave.

Boss approaches Kid, pats him on shoulder.

Boss: OK, man, finish up. We're closing.
Kid: Who the fuck are you!? Don't put your fucking hands on me!

Boss is momentarily surprised and doesn't respond.

Emp. #1: (to Kid) Dude, that's the owner. You might want to relax.
Kid: (to Boss) You better keep your hands off me!
Boss: (to Kid) All right, that's enough. Time to go.
Kid: I can't wait until this shitty bar fails and I can buy it myself.
Boss: OK.
Kid: How much did you pay for it? (Fumbles in his pockets, begins pulling out crumpled dollar bills, ultimately putting $14 on the bar.) I'll buy it from you tenfold!
Boss: Have a great night.
Kid: You know what's wrong with this country? Huh? NOBODY CARES ABOUT MATH ANYMORE.
Boss: Ok. Have a great night.
Kid: YOU have a great night! YOU have a great night!
Emp. #2: (Walking past Kid.) You're a night.

Scene.

I AM ON AN INTERNET ROLL

2008-12-28T23:50:00.005-05:00

I bet you people didn't know that a) I co-authored a picturebook about trains with a dude named Jackson McQuigg (given name. Below is one of the captions I wrote.)

and b) I once submitted what can only be described as a marginally-readable short story to--wait for it--the Atlantic Monthly. Shock:

New Tumblr! Plus, Blay Vol. III

2008-12-28T22:36:00.005-05:00

I've been twitterizing my landlord enough that I realized I should probably just give him his own web presence. So here's a new thing to look at. I'll update whenever a) landlord rocks out to rock music or b) landlord has shouting match with wife. Enjoy!

Blay vol. III: On Brand Awareness, and Strange Decision-Making Practices.
Plus, Fruit is for the Weak

This one requires a little preface: 1.) Dogfish Head Brewing Co., which produces aggressively flavored craft beers, has become a pretty well-known brand in the region--so much so that people often order the brand instead of the beer itself. 2.) Blue Moon is a very mild, mass-produced beer. (As in: nearly the opposite of Dogfish beers.)

Int., night, a bar. Two men approach.

Dude #1: (To me.) Hey, man. How's it going.
Me: A+
Dude #1: Do you have any Dogfish?
Me: Nope
Dude #1: Aw, man! I thought you carried Dogfish.
Me: We do, periodically. Just not at the moment.
Dude #1: (To Dude #2.) Have you had the Dogfish 90 Minute IPA? It's AWESOME.

Dude #2 agrees.

Me: If you like the 90 Minute, I've got a couple beers in the same style that you'd probably like.

Dudes look at each other.

Dude #1: (Shrugs.) Couple of Blue Moons?
Dude #2: Oh yeah. Awesome.

I pour the beers.

Dude #1: You can leave the orange off mine. (To Dude #2.) You want an orange on yours?
Dude #2: No, dude! No fruit on my beer!

Dudes give each other a double hi-five.

Dudes #1 & 2: Yeah! No fruit on beer!

Mmm Beefamato

2008-12-28T21:15:00.002-05:00

Hey Teebz! Hey!

2008-12-26T20:43:00.001-05:00

Looks like Teebz sure is ready to party!

But really all he does is change film in his camera while Girl Andie watches.