I Have Gone Lunatic

Just figured out how to import this to Tumblr, which is what I want for whatever reason, thanks to Eric. So for the time being you should go here: Definitely Totally

Best New T-Shirt Idea I Could Come Up With

Thanks, DC, for doing this now instead of, say, a year ago.

Also, I think I'm going to have a talk with Michelle about this.

Grab Bag

Forgot to post the most boring ride at the Montgomery County Fair:

And also Bigfoot, who "won" the Monster Truck Rally, which is disappointing because it involves absolutely no head-to-head action, simul-jumping, or destruction of the weaker Monster Trucks. It's just each one going after the other.

Here is me smoking a cigar in Key West. It's amazing what being an adult male at a wedding will make one do.

COME ON PEOPLE LOOK AT THIS TATTOO IT IS BOB MARLEY MORPHING INTO A LION

Hello, my name is Mikey and I'm 7 1/2 feet tall and I'm a zombie.

Ed Hardy now produces and sells chardonnay for $9.99 a bottle.

And last but not least, some place we went to in Key West had a VHS copy of Cocktail displayed prominently behind the bar. Our bartender was unsurprisingly practicing some pretty sweet flair in his downtime.

Florida: Pretty Much Just For Bragging and Tacos

So Florida was okay.

As I get older, I realize the great joy one can derive from making one's peers feel worse about having to go about their day-to-day lives while you go on vacation. Pictures like this make that so much easier.

But enough of that. We visited Ana's sister in Tampa, where we got to hang out with nephew Mikey

We went to the local science museum, which basically consisted of gross-out interactive exhibits. In short, awesome. Look at arm hair when magnified! Gross!

Look at what I'll look like at 70!

Look at Ana's height! Can't fake that! It's digital!

Finally, we met up with Jenny at a taco place. Here she is after obviously saying something hurtful.

In fact, Jenny's chastisement for my lack of posting lately is pretty much the only reason I posted this today. One day I'll get the stupid iMac fixed so I don't have to use this tiny computer with its terrible graphics program. You'll see.

METAL

Honestly, when you're a kid, what is the most awesome thing ever? Limousines. And possibly Slayer. We just decided to combine the two, that's all.



THE CEILING WAS MIRRORED


THERE WERE LITTLE PLASTIC STRANDS WITH LIGHTS ON THE END OF THEM


This is how McGill figures one drinks Champagne while riding a limo to a metal concert.


Murph hears metal, limo-surfs, accidentally stops the CD.

STRETCHCURSION

OMG, look who's here! It's Teebz.

Here it appears that Pierce and I are judging Teebz' shotgunning abilities. Pierce: upper half. Me: lower half.

We do not know this guy, but he's wearing a shirt that looks like Teebz.


If I had seen my wrist when I was 15, I wouldn't have believed it. VIP for Slayer?!? As an aside, no advantage was taken of the VIP status, unfortunately. No tour buses, no ladies. Sigh.


Stage on fire. Lower left: dude with wicked farmer tan/tribal.


The traditional greeting at a Slayer concert.

Old people.

A Quick Recap of THE MOST ANNOYING NIGHT IN HISTORY

1. While rehanging a menu board, I knocked this plaster Alka-Selter demon off a ledge and onto my coworker's forehead. No concussion, probably.


Promptly thereafter, the soda gun stopped working.


While trying to fix it, barback slices his finger open and has to go to the emergency room to get stitches. We get to pour mixers out of two-liter bottles for the rest of the night.

Approximately an hour later, credit card processing ceases to function. Cut to me making obscene gestures at the registers multiple times, to no avail. For approximately 45 minutes operations cease because PEOPLE DON'T CARRY CASH. We break out these things


which are old-timey. Bonus: no tip line! Then McGrillz figures out how to fix it.

One Week: MULTIPLE POSTS

Today is a hodgepodge, largely because I have these three unrelated pictures and not very much interest in relating them.

Exhibit 1: Customer pays, I am on board with this. Joe shoves his head in the corner for good measure.


The Pug is a true neighborhood bar. How can I say this, you ask? It's only been open for a couple years!! I argue that the presence of an IOU in a bar constitutes neighborhoodiness. And there's one, right behind the apparition, stuck to the bell.

31 years later, I get my first pair of cowboy boots. Now I have to get jeans that can accompany them. These citified jeans I've been wearing are not gonna hack it.

I Always Knew My Distaste for X-Men Would Come Back To Haunt Me (+Klay?)

So we went to Maryland somewhere yesterday (to get there: Take a right on New Hampshire Ave and keep going forever) to hang out with Ana's sister and her two boys. Here's the one, who opened the afternoon with a little quiz for yours truly:

Outside, afternoon.

Me: Hi

Kid: Hi what are you doing here

Me: I'm here with your Aunt to hang out with your mom.

Kid: Ok. Do you like X-Men?

Me: (LYING) Sure

Kid runs to get some action figures, brings them back.

Kid: What's your name?

Me: Scott

Kid: Ok you'll be Scott (holds up the super-lame X-Man with the laser eyes or whatever).

Me: (BUMMED) Ok

Kid holds up a blue X-Man.

Kid: This is Beast.

Me: Yeah

Kid holds up another X-Man.

Kid: Who is this?

Me: (Immediately pissed that the kid has sensed my lack of knowledge about and general dislike for his favorite things ever) Uh, I dunno.

Kid: (Disgusted) Ugh. CoLOssus.

I walk over to Ana and her sister and sit down.

Scene.


The thing about me and certain things, like the X-Men and the Princess Bride, is that I don't like them. For no reason, really, other than that I decided not to like them somewhere along the way. The X-Men, I figure, is basically just Harry Potter with adults; I don't like Harry Potter, so ipso facto etcetera ergo proctor hoc I don't like X-Men.

Which isn't a big deal until a kid challenges you on it and you lose.


You know who didn't quiz me about kid stuff? This one, who is basically a painting by a Dutch Master.


Bonus: Cat pouting under a stool


and three adult males wearing Mickey Mouse shirts.

Blays: The Return of the Blay

Int., a bar. A woman who has purchased the same drink twice using cash ($6) returns for a third time.

Woman: Hi! Can I have another?

Me: Sure.

I make the drink and set it in front of her.

Me: $6.

Woman: I only have $5. Makes gritting-teeth face. Can I---?

I take drink back.

Me: Doesn't really work that way. Come on back when you get $6.

Woman lets out maniacal laugh.

Woman: HAHAHAHAHAHA I KNEW THAT WOULD HAPPEN HAHAHAHAHAHAHA I JUST KNEW IT

Scene.