An Open Letter to the Ford Motor Company

Dear Ford Motor Company,

Dude, do you use T9 when you're texting? I do. And lately it seems like the words it knows or doesn't know is getting weirder. Have you noticed this? Like even though the word "bourbon" is in probably 60% of my texts, it still doesn't know how to spell it; instead it gives me this, which has never even been a word.


WTF, you know? And it's not like it doesn't know any of the distilled spirits, which would at least make sense:


Then there's the words it knows that are barely ever used by anybody ever:


And then sometimes you want to write some words and it gives you other words to try and make you feel all guilty. Like when I tried to write "chalice":


I think T9 is trying some sort of social engineering, Ford Motor Company! What do you think? I mean look! I was just trying to type "duckpin"!


Anyways. What I was really writing about is that you own the Mercury Motors brand, right? That is hands down the coolest car name ever. It's the coolest element, it's a slow-working poison, it's an ancient god--what more could you ask for in a brand name?

What I want to say is that you're totally wasting Mercury and everything it could be. For starters, its cars shouldn't come in any colors other than silver. Second, the logo should be a dude throwing an arrow, or something. Anything is better than what you have. Third, make the cars awesome.

Sincerely,

DeffoTotes