Blays: The Return of the Blay

Int., a bar. A woman who has purchased the same drink twice using cash ($6) returns for a third time.

Woman: Hi! Can I have another?

Me: Sure.

I make the drink and set it in front of her.

Me: $6.

Woman: I only have $5. Makes gritting-teeth face. Can I---?

I take drink back.

Me: Doesn't really work that way. Come on back when you get $6.

Woman lets out maniacal laugh.

Woman: HAHAHAHAHAHA I KNEW THAT WOULD HAPPEN HAHAHAHAHAHAHA I JUST KNEW IT

Scene.

New Blay! Miscommunication Edition

Int., a bar.

Guy orders a Long Island Iced Tea ($7.50), hands me a twenty dollar bill.

Me: $7.50.
Guy: Can I get $13 back?
Me: No.

Scene.


Int., a bar.

Bro: Can we get four Car Bombs?
Me: Sorry, man. We don't do bombs. (Not a lie--Ed.)
Bro: What?
Me: We don't do Car Bombs.
Bro: What, are you Catholic?

Scene.

Blay: Grab Bag

Int., a bar. A patron goes into a section of the bar that is chained off. I confront her as she comes out.

Me: Why did you go down there?

Girl: It looked so exciting!

Me: But you saw that it was chained up.

Girl: Uh huh

Me: So you knew that it was closed.

Girl: Uh huh

Me: In general, it's a bad idea to go into places that are chained off.

Girl: There was liquor everywhere! I could've stolen it.

Me: Also a bad idea to threaten thievery in a business as justification for going into a place that's off limits.

Girl: What?

Me: Ok.

Girl: Can I get a White Russian? I didn't steal anything.

Scene.


Int., a bar. Three thirtysomething dudes are celebrating one's graduation from law school. They order three shots. After they take them, one vomits it back into the glass. It is gross.

Friend #1: Ha, ha. I could tell you some stories about that guy.

Me: Do they all involve him vomiting back into his glass?

Friend #1: Yeah

Me: I don't really want to hear those. You see, we're the ones who get to clean up after dudes

Friend #1: Oh, yeah.

Me: Maybe you should teach him how to handle himself.

Friend #1: Yeah

Friend #2: Has anybody ever puked in their glass before?

Me: Yes.

Friend #2: Oh. Bummer.

Scene.

Blay, vol. V: Earth Day Edition++!

I had almost forgotten about Blays until tonight.

Int., a bar.

Man orders four beers from a California Brewery and four waters.  I deliver the waters with straws.  Man takes straws out and tosses them on the bar.

Man: No petroleum for me, bro.

Scene.

Part 2:

Int., a bar.

A man approaches.

Man: Can I get a beer?

Me: Sorry, man, I can't serve you.

Man: Why

Me: Because we've had to kick you out on numerous occasions for being too drunk.

Man: Can I get a beer?

I walk away.

Man: Under his breath.  Fag.

Me: Turns slowly around, smiling.  What's that you say?

Man: Quickly, slurring. You're the man.  You're the man.  Leaves.

Scene.

Things I Learned from Inauguration Weekend

1. I am an asshole. Two people told me so! The second was last night, when I was admittedly near the end of my normally endless rope:

Int., a bar, 10 minutes til close. 50ish Man approaches.

50ish Man: (hoarsely.) I bought a round of beers for my friends before last call and now your doorman isn't letting them in.

Me: Yeah, we can't let anybody in after last call.

50ish Man: But I bought them beers.

Me: I understand. But I can't let them in.

50ish Man: But I bought them beers.

Me: Yes. But by that logic, you could by 50 beers and invite your friends over at 5am to help you finish them off.

50ish Man: So there's no middle ground here?

Me: Sorry, no.

50ish Man walks back to his table. Two minutes pass.

50ish Man walks to the bar with four beers.

50ish Man: I'm not paying for these beers. You can call the cops.

Me: OK.

50ish Man: I'm not paying for them.

Me: Sounds good.

50ish Man walks back to his table, sits down.

50ish Man: (yelling.) Fuck you, asshole!

Me: OK.

50ish Man: (tantruming.) I've been coming to this bar since 1986!

Me: That's fascinating, since it wasn't established until six years later.

50ish Man: You're an asshole!

Me: OK. Oh, and also, you get to leave now.

Scene.

Tourists Order Things They Don't Even Want

Int., a bar. Girl approaches.

Girl: Can I have a Sam Adams?

Me: Sorry, we don't carry Sam Adams.

Girl: Can you recommend something else?

Me: Like Sam Adams?

Girl: No, I don't like Sam Adams.

Me: Why did you order it?

Girl: I'm from out of town.

Scene.

DYIR:PIWET (DeffoTotes Year In Review: Places I Went Edition) + Blay vol. IV: NYE Edition

1. LA + Environs
2. Harper's Ferry, WV
3. Richmond, VA
4. KY, TN, LA, TX
5. Vegas
6. Ocean City, MD
7. Cleveland, OH
8. Atlanta, GA

Blay, vol. IV: Liquid Courage/Dry Humor

Int., a bar. Closing time. A 20-something kid is slow to leave.

Boss approaches Kid, pats him on shoulder.

Boss: OK, man, finish up. We're closing.
Kid: Who the fuck are you!? Don't put your fucking hands on me!

Boss is momentarily surprised and doesn't respond.

Emp. #1: (to Kid) Dude, that's the owner. You might want to relax.
Kid: (to Boss) You better keep your hands off me!
Boss: (to Kid) All right, that's enough. Time to go.
Kid: I can't wait until this shitty bar fails and I can buy it myself.
Boss: OK.
Kid: How much did you pay for it? (Fumbles in his pockets, begins pulling out crumpled dollar bills, ultimately putting $14 on the bar.) I'll buy it from you tenfold!
Boss: Have a great night.
Kid: You know what's wrong with this country? Huh? NOBODY CARES ABOUT MATH ANYMORE.
Boss: Ok. Have a great night.
Kid: YOU have a great night! YOU have a great night!
Emp. #2: (Walking past Kid.) You're a night.

Scene.

New Tumblr! Plus, Blay Vol. III

I've been twitterizing my landlord enough that I realized I should probably just give him his own web presence. So here's a new thing to look at. I'll update whenever a) landlord rocks out to rock music or b) landlord has shouting match with wife. Enjoy!

Blay vol. III: On Brand Awareness, and Strange Decision-Making Practices.
Plus, Fruit is for the Weak

This one requires a little preface: 1.) Dogfish Head Brewing Co., which produces aggressively flavored craft beers, has become a pretty well-known brand in the region--so much so that people often order the brand instead of the beer itself. 2.) Blue Moon is a very mild, mass-produced beer. (As in: nearly the opposite of Dogfish beers.)

Int., night, a bar. Two men approach.

Dude #1: (To me.) Hey, man. How's it going.
Me: A+
Dude #1: Do you have any Dogfish?
Me: Nope
Dude #1: Aw, man! I thought you carried Dogfish.
Me: We do, periodically. Just not at the moment.
Dude #1: (To Dude #2.) Have you had the Dogfish 90 Minute IPA? It's AWESOME.

Dude #2 agrees.

Me: If you like the 90 Minute, I've got a couple beers in the same style that you'd probably like.

Dudes look at each other.

Dude #1: (Shrugs.) Couple of Blue Moons?
Dude #2: Oh yeah. Awesome.

I pour the beers.

Dude #1: You can leave the orange off mine. (To Dude #2.) You want an orange on yours?
Dude #2: No, dude! No fruit on my beer!

Dudes give each other a double hi-five.

Dudes #1 & 2: Yeah! No fruit on beer!

Italian Christmas + Blay, Scene II

Martina's family is Eyetalian, which means they have forty kids and have big, pasta-y Christmas celebrations. Lucky for us we get invited.

I love seeing things like this height chart in houses. How could you possibly be a parent and not get teary every time you walk past it?


This particular family has a predilection for bulldogs. The newest one is Porkchop, and has captured my heart. Here she is sitting on the youngest of the Crivellas:


FYI: Blay=Blog + Play. Scene II!:

Int, nighttime, a bar. A group of Baltimore Ravens fans is watching the game against the Cowboys. The Ravens score.

Fan #1: Yeah! Yeah! Woo! Ravens! (Hi-fives Friend #2.) Shots! Shots on the house!
Me: What house?
Fan #1: Shots on the house!
Me: You do realize we're not in Baltimore, right? (Fan #1 stares blankly.) And that we don't give out shots every time a particular sports team scores? (More blank staring.)

Fifteen minutes pass. The Ravens score again.

Fan #1:Hoo-wee! Yeah! Ravens! (More hi-fives.) Shots! Shots on the house!
Me: Hey, Remember? We. Are. Not. In. Baltimore. (A closeup of Tony Romo, the Cowboys quarterback, comes on the TV. Fan #1 yells as I turn my back.)
Fan #1:Fucking faggot!

I turn slowly around.

Me: Excuse me?
Fan #2: Tony Romo! Tony Romo! He means Tony Romo!

Scene.