I walked into the bike shop today thinking about ordering this bike (since nobody ever carries my size), and what was it that you knew, but there it was, in my size. So I bought it. 
The good thing is that I got to take it for a test ride without feeling guilty if I didn't like it. But I did like it. Who knew that ditching a freewheel makes riding uphill that much easier?
Dear Failure,
Nice going! You saw my pretty bike, all locked up, and decided that you could score some sweet loot if you somehow got it off the post. Thank god you had your hacksaw handy!
Oh, wait...tougher than you thought? Did you kick the pretty bike because it made you mad? The real bummer is that you could've gotten everything off the bike with an Allen wrench, which is much smaller and less theify than a hacksaw.
When I find you, I will likely take a hacksaw to your arm. And then leave halfway through.
Toodles,
The dude whose bike you mangled
BONUSBONUSBONUS
One of the perks of being American is that when you have something, and it works fine, you get still get something else that serves the same purpose only because it's prettier. Case in point:
After my camera was cursed by the god of fake vegans, I bought a new one. Remember? It was like six months ago. Guess what? I still don't have a camera. Why? Cuz online shopping went sucky all of the sudden. I remember days when I could fire up the 14.4, log on to CompuServe, and browse literally dozens of products provided by nerds all over the region with internet connections. After that, I would log off, call the number provided, decide on a form of payment, send an insured letter containing a money order, and within weeks the product would likely be at my door.
Those days of eNirvana are no more, friends. How, you ask? Here's how. I purchased a camera online through the "Google Marketplace" (I know, I should've guessed that such an outfit was likely a scam). It was a good price, and I trusted the TriState Camera brokers to hook it up.
Until two days later, when a dude named Abe (pronounced "Ay Bee") called me to verify my order. What's to verify, I wondered! I gave them enough information to steal my identity. Lucky for me, my SSN isn't all that valuable these days, so I didn't really care.
I had to call four times before AyBee answered. This seemed weird, because his job title is "Verification Specialist." What else does one do as a Verification Specialist than answer the phone of people you're trying to verify? Anyways. He answered finally, and told me he needed my billing phone number. I told him that it was the one he had been calling. He said it was wrong. I said that's not possible, because he called me using that number. He said it didn't match the credit card number. I said that it did. He said it didn't. I said it did. He said it didn't. I said I'd had the same phone number for 5 years, well before I ever got the credit card. Plus, I shop online. Alot. So he was totally wrong. He says he's not. I say that I think this is really weird, and would you please cancel my order. He says sure, hangs up. I get a little worried that he's selling my passport. But whatevs.
So the next day, I buy the camera again, this time from an outfit with a more whimsical name and a slicker website. Two days later, I get a call from them. Hi, dude, we know you bought this camera online through us, and we know it's still listed as for sale on the site, but we don't have any of them. Sorry! We'll cancel your order, bro. No worries. I'm less worried about them stealing my identity, but still weirded out by the willingness to sell an item that you don't have. In my book, that is a shady business practice. So I move on.
I buy the camera a third time in a week. This time, I go through a thingy called "Buy.com" which seems like it would be reputable because "Buy.com" has got to be an expensive domain to buy. It is again through the whole GoogleMarketPlaceCoopers thing, and I get a discount just cuz. I am feeling good about it. When they charge my card for real (instead of a pending charge), I assume this means that everything's good. When you charge somebody, that means they get what you charged them for. Otherwise, it's stealing. And if GooglePlaceWaterhouse is stealing from me, I at least want 1/3 of a share of their company.
Two days after they charge my card, I get an email from Buy.com saying thanks for the order! We've processed it, and now we're seeing if our vendor can process it! This part is weird because I don't know what Buy.com did to process it that took two days. Once the card is charged, doesn't that mean the processing is over? Doesn't it?
At this point, I don't think Google is stealing my identity or my money. But if they do, expect me to point it out to the world and then mysteriously disappear.
OK! Enough compwhining! Let's look at stuff that I have gotten from the internet that worked out like it was supposed to:
This bike frame (not the couch, unfortch):
These brakes, which are Italian and good as new, they say:
These handlebars:
Lots of excess white space on that picture of handlebars.
This stem, to which the handlebars will be attached:
These brake levers, which are used but they're called "Dura-Ace" which means that they last forever:
This derailleur, which is the thing that makes the bike work right, also used:
The short story is that I'm building a new bike, and I'm almost done. Shizz gets expensive, people. If I had kids, they'd be eating stews and saving their tin foil for the next month. But I don't, so everything stays the same.
In other surprising news, I got a pair of shoes:
I rationalized it because they were $34 and overnight shipping was free. So basically they were free.
I couldn't rationalize the purchase of these:
because they were about fifteen times as expensive as the others. No jokes.
I also didn't get this hoodie
because damz, you know I got the hotter version already.
And finally, in the nerd version of my online shopping, I pre-ordered the new Mac OS. REFLECTIVE DOCK, people.
Last night was July 3rd, which in DC might as well be New Years' Eve if you're in the bar industry. So when Josh said he had tickets for the July 4th Cubs-Nats game, it seemed like a really good idea until I got home at 7 this morning. But whatever. I got a new hat, and I got to wear it.
Ana is jealous of my hat, obvs.
Interesting tidbit: in DC, every seat at the stadium is owned by some lobbying group or other. Josh got ours from Budweiser. They didn't ask for anything in return, either! Just enjoy the game, they said!
The Nationals don't have any real traditions, so they make them up. Remember? The dumbest one is called the "Waving of the Caps," wherein the PA announcer asks everybody to wave their caps. That's it.
The best part about riding your bike to the stadium, aside from feeling morally superior to everybody else, is getting to hop on and roll past thousands of people idling in their cars or waiting in line for the Metro. Not everybody understands that, though. As Ana put it, when you unlock your bike at the stadium, people look at you like you're unlocking a spaceship.
This morning, I was awoken at the ungodly hour of noon or something by the dude that was coming by to clean the ducts so that one day we might have air-conditioning eventually if two other people come by and say what needs to be fixed. When I got up, I did so really quickly because I didn't want to wait even longer, and managed to pull 1/3 of the muscles in my back. I'm getting old!
Anyway! Because of that, I didn't go to taco night. Instead, I stayed home by myself. Round about 2am, I got a little restless and decided to take a quick inventory of the house.
1. The kitchen:
Lots of condiments and beer. And I live with two women! Goodbye, stereotypes!
2. Books that haven't been useful in nearly a decade. Click to enlarge, and remember when they were useful to you too!
3. Bikes and parts of bikes.
4. Cat.
5. Patriotic mail from the roommate's little sister. Check that--adorable patriotic mail from the roommate's little sister.
6. Homage to the original King of R&B, animatronic and sitting on the floor next to the bookcase.
7. Another cat: puma-like and photogenic.
8. Paintings outside the bathroom by Ben. Sometimes people need instructions.
9. Fancy glasses with funny faces on them.
10. Me.
Spring brings nice weather, when it really comes, and that means exercise! Usually, you should start off slow. Maybe take a nice leisurely bike ride around the monuments in our nation's capitol; use your new pedals! They allow your feet to stick to them. It is AMAZING.
After warming up, you can try something requiring a little more exertion. Like streetball! Spalding makes balls particularly for playing in the street. Can't check me!
Finally, you're probably ready for something a little more full-contact. At this point, you should probably come up with a good Spanish nickname (see below), and start constructing a costume. You're ready to become a Luchador.
After all, you already have the shoes. (Check back soon for the application of said costumes.)
