I Always Knew My Distaste for X-Men Would Come Back To Haunt Me (+Klay?)

So we went to Maryland somewhere yesterday (to get there: Take a right on New Hampshire Ave and keep going forever) to hang out with Ana's sister and her two boys. Here's the one, who opened the afternoon with a little quiz for yours truly:

Outside, afternoon.

Me: Hi

Kid: Hi what are you doing here

Me: I'm here with your Aunt to hang out with your mom.

Kid: Ok. Do you like X-Men?

Me: (LYING) Sure

Kid runs to get some action figures, brings them back.

Kid: What's your name?

Me: Scott

Kid: Ok you'll be Scott (holds up the super-lame X-Man with the laser eyes or whatever).

Me: (BUMMED) Ok

Kid holds up a blue X-Man.

Kid: This is Beast.

Me: Yeah

Kid holds up another X-Man.

Kid: Who is this?

Me: (Immediately pissed that the kid has sensed my lack of knowledge about and general dislike for his favorite things ever) Uh, I dunno.

Kid: (Disgusted) Ugh. CoLOssus.

I walk over to Ana and her sister and sit down.

Scene.


The thing about me and certain things, like the X-Men and the Princess Bride, is that I don't like them. For no reason, really, other than that I decided not to like them somewhere along the way. The X-Men, I figure, is basically just Harry Potter with adults; I don't like Harry Potter, so ipso facto etcetera ergo proctor hoc I don't like X-Men.

Which isn't a big deal until a kid challenges you on it and you lose.


You know who didn't quiz me about kid stuff? This one, who is basically a painting by a Dutch Master.


Bonus: Cat pouting under a stool


and three adult males wearing Mickey Mouse shirts.

Jeff G's Waifish, Asian Sexpot Girlfriend FOUND?!?!

Chad America, the internet sleuth, has uncovered what is likely the biggest scoop in Yelp! history. Scouring Jeff G's friend list, he finds one Sabrina M, who--while not exactly waifish


definitely fits the "Asian" and possibly "sexpot" descriptors that Jeff G has given us.

But the biggest giveaway, of course, is the reviewing style. One look at this sentence (from her review of Maxfield's in LA) and I think you'll agree--these two are like a Yelp! Bonnie and Clyde:

Maxfield is amazingly snazzy, du jour, chic, snazzy, hot, chi-chi, au courant, and always always the most sophisticated couture at ridiculously outstanding prices even by common folk standards!!

Come on!! Snazzy TWICE? Au courant? Sounds to me like this lady has been to 32 countries on 5 continents. But really, this little snippet seals the deal:

if you're looking for a tongue slapping, spicy, delicious, flavorful, Mexican meal go to Loriol Plaza

Any true Jeff G aficionado will recognize that particular descriptive gem. Next up: where does she bartend?

Little Help Please

I don't know if it's just burnout, or the 90 degree April weather, or what, but I've been struggling for content lately. You can tell this by the fact that I'm posting a cat picture. Look at the dominion:


This one's pretty good, though. Staged picture of new father drinking day-old champagne punch out of a gatorade jug:

And Now: Pins

I'm pretty sure pinmaking is a lost art, although I don't have any data to back up that argument. So I was pretty stoked to find a great selection of old pins at some store in San Francisco.


1. An old Bronco, for myself, since I need to start building my Bronco-related wardrobe and plus I can't really remember what it looks like SINCE IT'S STILL AT THE MECHANIC AND I'M DYING INSIDE

2. Minnesota, for Junes, because that's where she lives. FOR NOW.

3. A Steelers helmet, for Anne. Because she works down at the smelting plant.

4. Georgia, for me.

5. Canada/USA, for Sandy. Because she's both those things.

6. A school bus, for Chad. Because he seems to really like children.

NOT PICTURED: A pterodactyl, for Joe, and an eagle holding a bottle of whiskey, for me. Cuz it matches.

I apologize if your home state/defining personal detail was not available in pin form.

PokerNight 2.0: This Time it's Something or Other

This poker night was based largely around tacos, in that they were made for us, as well as the fact that we polished off the bottle of Black Bush (real product) only halfway through the game. But everybody came in their best disguises. Like Chad, who is a member of either a Latino biker gang or a longshoreman or both:


And Cat, who just acted like she wasn't there and hoped to win anyway

And Joe, who was the big winner early on but graciously gave most of it back to the rest of us


and me, who just kept my eyes closed

and hoped that the one card I needed came out. Look! It did!


Sorry, MattBrown. You needed a costume to get into this post.

+++Nush points to this, which aside from the name (it really should be "Wickedify") is amazing.

Xmas Miraxles Vol. II

While not as extensive as last year, this year still yields some pretty wicked Xmas miracles.

1. When in Atlanta last week, looking at pictures my sister has taken over the past few years, it became apparent that I've been wearing the same hoodie way too much for way too long. So I splurged and soon will have a new uniform.


2. I will be DJing for Chad's customers in a couple weeks. DJ name is easily the smartest thing I've ever thought of. Don't worry: Ana and Murph will be making guest appearances.


3. Mom checked out of the hospital and is recovering. Holler!

PUANTBOM + I Am Losing My Identity

At work yesterday some dude asked if I work at Black Cat too. No, I told him, you're thinking of Chad.

Me: Some dude just asked me if I work at Black Cat too. This is getting out of control.
Chad: No one ever thinks I work at Big Hunt.
Me: Up that.
Me: I'm gonna hire a publicist.
Chad: We should switch places for a day. Like on Sister Sister.
Me: Ok. Also I'm going to start a poster campaign called Scott Not Chad
Me: Or wear a t-shirt that says "Not Chad"
Chad: FWIW, no one ever asks me if I'm Chad or work at the Black Cat either.
Me: IWN=It's Worth Nothing. Ur dead to me.
Me: Oops I mean UDTM
Chad: Should I take your number out of my phone?
Me: Not if you want to know who's texting you death threats
Me: Although I guess I could just save them and tell them to you on Mondays
Chad: I bet your customers are happy about all your texting.
Me: They're not allowed to care. I forbid it
Me: PUANTBOM = Plus U Are Not The Boss Of Me
Chad: Hey, I wasn't telling you to get to work. I'm glad you're taking charge of your time.
Me: It helps when you have great disdain for your customers. Which you may understand.
Chad: That's why people confuse us.

Pandering

Chad America, who I am pretty sure is this phlog's #1 fan (prove me wrong), noted last night that he hasn't seen his face on it in like two weeks. Also, he told me that his new house adjoins a high school, and we decided that we should put on sweatpants, sunglasses, overcoats and fedoras and go watch gym class together.


Also somebody said we should start a ZZ Top cover band. Possible names:

1. We Have Legs
2. TT Zop
3. Sharp-Fingernailed Man
4. Cheap Sunglasses, as Well as Cheap Accessories of All Sorts

Run for Cover here we come.

BRB Gotta Go Carpe Some Diem

October has been a busy month, what with the Depression upon us, and politicians serving themselves up on platters for comedians, and a new flavor of Goldfish being released: GOLDFISH XTREME FLAVOR BLASTED MONSTROUS MOZZARELLA STICK.

Eight-word review: Tastes like mozzarella sticks, and is sufficiently extreme.



The other thing about Goldfish is that you can go to their website, where you can play Goldfish-related games (Goldfish like to play basketball) with Finn (the mascot). My question: has anyone ever played these games? Is Goldfish worried that their delicious baked snack crackers are not enough, and as a result they're hedging their bets with some virtual games?

Last week we had a poker night at Matt's house (you'll remember him from Vegas this summer, a trip that we just recently decided to continue in perpetuity--particularly the part about him turning 30), and even though the odds were even for everybody starting out, he looked pretty dejected to start.


Maybe it was the fact that his hat wasn't made of gold


nor did it light up


Regardless, they have some quality can-insulators over at his house.



In other news Anne gave me this pin, which I agree with.

Wedding Photos + Pegacornicat Complete

Zipcar failed for the first time on Saturday, kind of spectacularly, when we arrived to get the car for the wedding and the thing had a flat. Normally it wouldn't be an issue but I was wearing my Zegna joint and it was hot so changing it was out of the question. Luckily there was a cab in the parking lot, and I noticed that he was wearing a propeller hat.


The short story (considering that it was a long wedding and even longer reception) was that it was a good time.

We went to Black Cat afterward, in our finery, which seemed like a good idea but likely wasn't, since we had been at it since like noon and it was now late at night, probably. I really don't know what time it was.

Nor do I know that Chad America would say Good Morrow. It just came to me.


Then today back to Richmond for completion of phase one of left arm. Look!

Las Vegas: Basically Just Novelty Drinks

Let's start this off right, Vegas-style, with a picture of a bakery in the airport.


What is more Vegas than Breadz?

Next is the second picture of a 24-hour bar that I've taken in the past month. Do you know what that means? Good month.


Next would be a couple dozen pictures of the inside of the casino we stayed at, including but not limited to the Dealertainers® (celebrity look-alikes who perform and also deal blackjack), but it's Vegas and they don't like cameras. So pictures of novelty drinks must suffice.

How this for suffice? 40 ounces of daiquiri in a plastic guitar. In the mall bathroom, natch.


Then disperse with the novelty drinks for the real drinks. Why? Cuz we're getting ready to go to the club, that's why.


(Aside: when you find a Sedaris book in the hotel bathroom, you know your friend is white.)


Hey, are you guys going to the club? Yes? Thought so.


What are you dudes doing? Oh.


What happens twelve hours later? Your body reminds you that you are a jackass.


But whatever there is still time to go to Fremont Street and eat fried Oreos.


In Fremont Street, you may remember, there is an experience that people take pictures of for some reason.


Other people buy Oakland Raider earrings and sparkly hats.


Oh, and some of the hats have lights in them.

Like this one the Chad is wearing. It is a USA hat.


Finally, we went to the El Cortez, which is noteworthy because it rules.


Then we came home to find that Junes had stocked our joint with Canadian chocolates


and New Glarus. Both of which are delicious.


Then we slept for 17 hours.

At RockHouse®, the Rock-themed/Beer Pong fake club attached to our hotel, Hamouda wore a singlet/jumper/onesie and drank a blue daiquiri. What did this result in?

You guessed correctly. It resulted in being accosted by a blacked-out, middle-aged tourist.

Vegas Here We Come

The dude on the left is turning 30 so we're going to Vegas. They are wearing matching Mickey Mouse shirts. Anyhoos, Vegas rules, remember?

Party Tymerzs

Naomi's birthday (she turned 14) was yesterday, and natch we threw her a birthday party. She decided on an appropriately alliterative theme, posted the invitation to the world wide web, and shit happened.

The ladies looked all fine and wore gold jurry


Then like five hours later Joe showed up and was all, I'm gonna spell out myspace in sign language just cuz I can, and I was all nuh uh and he was all watch me, this is street sign language son and I was all DAMM


an then he did it for real he spelled it out without concern for his personal safety seriously click to enlarge


Then Chad America showed up and got all lolchad on our asses or whatever or maybe he just said hello


and then later Ana started pourin booze in Naomi's mouth in a crazed fashion on purpose


the strohs made her dance like a crunk zombie



then I went to sleep


BONUSBONUSBONUS

Allen Iverson playing football!!! (For Anne Mostly)