Sunday, March 30, 2008

Finally, Katie Gets Bootlegged

As I mentioned, this scene in itself if worth watching Horton Hears a Who.

Home Furnishing is EXPENSIVE

Only thing missing from new house is a couch. So we've been looking online. But the shipping costs are brutal:

At first I thought it was because of the "white glove" service. Like they walk it door-to-door or something. So I tried the "expedited" option:

And then I realized that it was QTY, not ZIP.

Saturday, March 29, 2008

The lolcat Shirt You've Been Waiting for is HERE

Kismet in CoHa

Today we got a Zipcar (learn it) to finish getting our stuff out of the old apartment. I reserved it for 3pm. The person who had it before me was half an hour late, which is annoying, since I was forced to basically stand on the corner while he kept telling Zipcar that he was right around the corner.

When he arrived, I gave him a minute to get his stuff and get out without having to apologize to me for being late, because I hate that interaction. He seemed in no hurry to get out of the car, so I finally knocked on the window. This, people, is when I met Don P.

Don P got out of the car, apologized, and handed me a CD. "It's my comedy CD," he says. "It's like Adam Sandler."

No more convincing is necessary. I'm sold. And guess what, people? SO ARE YOU. Behold the Opus of Don P.

In this 26 minute "set," which may or may not have been recorded in his basement and may or may not include piped-in laugh tracks, split recordings, and staged audience interaction, Don P covers all the hot topics of comedy today. For example:

On sex:

"You know what else people lie about? Sex."

On being mistaken for latino:

"Come on, amigos! How many spanish people you know who are 6'3" with a ten-inch penis?"

On similarities between the races:

"White people and black people, we do alot of the same things!"

On drugs:

"Why is marijuana illegal, but they sell the blunt papers in the stores!"

On foreigners:

"You're from Turkey? How y'all greet each other over there? Cockadoodledoo?"

Beware, this gem of truly Adam Sandleresque comedy is on the raunchy side. Deffo NSFW, as the bloggers say. But SSFEE (Super Safe for Everywhere Else).

The BP down the street from us has these muffins. I learned that in Spanish, plurals change Ks to Qs.

In boring news about old apartment, landlord has lost his mind. He has alternately argued that he didn't know any of my roommate's names, didn't know we had cats, didn't know we had a dog, and confused me with my roommate's boyfriend on multiple occasions. Yesterday he told me that we would be splitting cleaning duties of the tiny foyer with the apartment above us, and when I walked in today I saw that he was speaking very literally:

Friday, March 28, 2008

Thursday, March 27, 2008

CoHa Here We Are

As new residents of Columbia Heights, I'm going to use the made-up term "CoHa" as much as possible to describe our new neighborhood. FYI.

Moving was fairly painless, except for the pain that still lingers from carrying things, and Punk has really taken to the new place.

She likes looking out windows. She also likes houses with no dogs. She also loves America's Best Dance Crew.

She also loves sleeping in the bed. NOT FOR LONG PUNK

Pedro, on the other hand, is a crybaby who is scared and hides all the time like a total baby

Soon we will be having cookout times on the front porch.

This guy at work on Tuesday asked me four or five times for a glass of milk, which we don't have, because, he said, "it would be funny." I disagreed. He stayed strong until the end:

Have you seen the new five dollar bills? When did the treasury hire the Teletubbies to design our money?

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

A Very Special Sideshow Easter

Sorry for the delay, but we've been moving. Adult things like moving take a lot of time if you want to do them right, you know.

As of now everything is in the new place, and Death Wish 4: The Crackdown (Charles Bronson fighting the drug war all by his lonesome) just started on TV. All is right with the world.

So Easter in West Virginia (the way God intended it) was enjoyable, aside from moving with a considerable hangover the next day. But here: check out Jill and Tyler's little sideshow paradise in the country:

A) Mini carnival managerie, with moving and lights and all:

B) Stuffed vulture (I think) and crocodile heads:

C) Mantle with various pickled creatures and religious icons:

D) Jackrabbit. Natch.

Soon to come: Jill's beagle, which died last year, stuffed and mounted on a gigantic spider body.

Joe and Jesus have a special bond, what with having the same birthday and all, but he didn't even pose for this picture it just happened

Neither did he pose for this picture when we walked up the mountain, but his chin sure did something special:

Then we posed

Later, we roasted Peeps, which as far as I'm concerned is the only legitimate use of them aside from making Peep-related dioramas.

Of course, one can't roast a Peep unless there's a fire, and one can't have a fire unless somebody breathes it onto a big pile of wood. CLICK TO ENLARGE PEOPLE

Saturday, March 22, 2008

More Adventures In Adulthood

Look who got her first credit card!

In other news, a couple of big phlogportunities coming up this week: visiting with Jill & Tyler at their Harper's Ferry World of Wonder (my name) and movingtime!

Friday, March 21, 2008

Bracket Update for People Who Aren't Interested

After watching zero college basketball games this season, I'm currently 18-2 and in 54th place out of 5900 in the Post's bracket pool. Thanks, Western Kentucky!

Update: 24 hours later, I'm 24-9 and in 1003rd place. Whatever.

Thursday, March 20, 2008

New, Unexciting Information Plus Annotated Bracket

We're moving seven blocks north and two blocks east. That's like 50 miles, which means: new bodega (you will be missed, Best DC Supermarket), new grocery store ($20 for a sandwich, chips and drink at Whole Foods: you will not be missed), and new late-night haunts. See:

Destination: Whole Foods Current Distance .7 mi New Distance 1.1 mi Verdict Likely will lose except for in cases of meat and produce.

Destination: Giant Current Distance 1.3 mi New Distance .6 mi Verdict Giant wins: see prev.

Destination: Work Current Distance 1.1 mi New Distance 1.8 mi Verdict Must leave house 7 minutes earlier.

Destination: Black Cat Current Distance .2 mi New Distance 1.1 mi Verdict It's still the Black Cat. Stumbling home will include large hill, which is a bummer.

Destination: Pharmacy Bar/Bourbon Current Distance 1.1 mi New Distance 1.3 mi Verdict Push: still worth rolling up at 1am on Sunday.

Destination: Chinatown Current Distance 2.4mi New Distance 2.6mi Verdict Can avoid Tuesday through Saturday at same frequency as before.

Destination: Pho Current Distance 3.6 mi New Distance 4.3 mi Verdict It's Pho. As if.

Destination: Zipcars Current Distance 7 within 1 block New Distance 4 within 1 block Verdict Must reserve early in order to get Pho.

All in all, it becomes apparent that moving 9 blocks away means that things are approximately 9 blocks further away than they used to be.

The Post has started a new tradition of having Tony Kornheiser submit his NCAA tournament bracket with funny notes on it. Here's my copycat version (follow it here), which is 7-1 so far:

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Apartment Overkill Plus New Sweet Ink

You'll forgive me if I go overboard on the whole new apartment thing. I will give you a quick rundown of my living spaces since leaving my parents' house at 18 as justification:

1996: Dorm room, 9'x14', shared with redneck chainsmoker. Upside: my parents don't live there. Downside: demerits if a girl is there past 11pm. Not that my game was capable of making that happen at that point.

1997: Dorm room, 7'x14', most of which was comprised of bicycles and computers. Upside: no redneck chainsmoker. Downside: 2 sq ft of unused space.

1998: Apartment, downtown Rome, GA. Upside: First and nicest apartment of my life. Downside: the walls were really just partitions so anyone in the apartment could hear when anybody else was doing it, and then it got condemned

1999: Lived on friend's floor with girlfriend cuz I didn't have a place. Upside: the floor was carpeted. Downside: it was the floor

1999: Massive apartment complex. Upside: wall-to-wall carpeting. Downside: wall-to-wall carpeting.

2000: "House"= back end of house with two living rooms, a laundry room and zero bedrooms. Upside: $370 a month. Downside: holes in floor, possible dead babies in crawlspace.

2001: 400 sq ft apartment in downtown Salt Lake City. Upside: centrally located. Downside: downtown Salt Lake City.

2002: Cabin in Athens, GA. Upside: rustic. Downside: Cabins don't have air conditioning.

2002: 1 br in downtown Washington, DC. Upside: not a bad size. Downside: physically impossible for natural light to enter.

2005: Basement of current house. Upside: can see sky from window. Downside: creeping mold entering from center of room.

And that brings us current. Now it's bragtime USA:

I've never been one for memorial tattoos, or even tattoos that mean anything whatsoever, but when my Grandma died I knew I wanted to get something. So I got a lamp.

So Patrick blogviewed my phlog:

and then Murph Murphviewed Patrick's blogview. This shit just got meta, people.

Monday, March 17, 2008


Landlord just called, and on the recommendation of our spaz landlord and spaz boss, we are moving. Hells yes. Feel free to come over and relax on our front porch, which we will be having in two weeks. Adulthood here we are, &c.

When I got home after work the other night, this movie called "Let's Do Things" was on. That's the greatest name for a movie ever. Also, it was listed as "1931 (New)."

We went to the movies last night without any particular desire to see any particular movie, since it's what they call "Slim 'Pickins'" (ie Vantage Point) these days on the movie front. The only thing playing when we walked in was Horton Hears a Who, which neither of us had any particular desire to see, but decided to anyway.

Verdict: it was good. Especially this character, which is named Katie, and made me laugh out loud so hard that everybody in the theater looked at me and then laughed.

One of the problems with phlogging exclusively about oneself is that every year certain things happen, so there's naturally going to be some overlap. Remember last St. Patrick's Day? Sure you do!:

This year it wasn't quite so gross

but if you waited a couple hours and added a grown woman crying while trying to sneak gulps from her dude's Bud Light, you'd have the scene pretty well down.