Bizarro Saturday

Saturday Night Timeline:

5:00pm-2:51am: Normal

2:52am: Girl accuses dude of hitting her at upstairs bar, approx 30 other dudes attempt to beat living hell out of dude. Glass crashing ensues.

2:53am: Me in manager mode, walk upstairs, say the word "cops," 30 other dudes stop attempting to beat living hell, run away.

2:59am: Dude demands police escort out of premises. Demand is not met because police don't live in my back pocket, and because bar is not UN. Dude leaves, everything fine.

3:25am: Glass cleanup finishes.

3:26am: Co-worker informs me his drawer is $660 short. Count, recount, recount, count other money, check numbers, drink beer quickly, put forehead in hands.

3:29am: Evan points out that report being referenced is for the wrong drawer. Money is not missing. Exhale. Adjourn to office, begin closing procedures.

3:51am: Colin asks me if I smell smoke. I don't. Assume bar is burning down on top of me. Hear Colin hollering from down the hall. Sigh. Walk down hall to the walk-in refrigerator.

3:52am: Discover patron who has stowed himself away in walk-in refrigerator for approximately an hour. Claims he was "locked in." Point out that this is impossible.

3:53am: Realize that patron has cut the power to refrigerator, drank a beer, smoked two cigarettes, broken a case of beer, knocked over a bucket of wings, a box of lemons, punched out a piece of plywood holding in exhaust fan, and urinated in an empty bucket.

3:54am: Recognizing that it would be too difficult to dispose of a dead body, take patron upstairs to get his information and figure out what the hell to do with him:


3:55am: Take information, put it on sheet of paper, discuss the fact that we are probably going to call the police and press charges.

3:56am: Patron takes sheet of paper and tries to eat it. Becomes apparent that patron is in fact the drunkest superspy on the planet. Co-worker does puppy jaw thing on patron, procures paper before it gets digested, but not before it gets saliva'd:


4:00am: Walk patron out, stick a note in his pocket reminding him that he's not really welcome here anymore.

4:01am: Laugh hysterically.

4:02am: Begin cleaning.