Everyone May Now Relax, Exhale, Take a Load Off, Recline, Repose, Rest, Simmer Down

Jeff "Cognoscente" G. has become Jeff "Truculent" B. Many thanks to Owen for somehow finding this.



Whew. He will from now on be known as Jeff B Nee G.

THE WORST, MOST TROGLODYTE, INANE, ASININE, CORNSWAGGLED, OBSTETRITIOUS DAY IN HISTORY

Jeff G. has been BANNED. For what, you ask? For "violating" something Yelp! calls its "terms of service," whatever that means. I'm guessing that their terms of service must preclude its members from being AWESOME.


So what do we do, people? We do what those Boy Scouts did in Mr. Smith Goes to Washington: write hundreds of letters that Jeff G. can present at the Senate hearing on his banishment. Below is a form letter that you can cut and paste for yourself:

Dear Yelp!,

I am a PERTURBED Yelp! citizen. Why, you ask? I'll EDIFY, ENLIGHTEN, and ENDUE you: you have banned the best reviewer on Yelp!, that's why. Jeff G., of Washington, DC, has BEQUEATHED the most EXCEPTIONAL, FAVORABLE, FIRST RATE, GNARLY, GRATIFYING reviews to us, his readers, over the past few months.

Please, Yelp!. Do not take Jeff G. away from us. You are our only hope.

Signed,

[You]

Now head here and make this travesty go away.

Jeff G's Waifish, Asian Sexpot Girlfriend FOUND?!?!

Chad America, the internet sleuth, has uncovered what is likely the biggest scoop in Yelp! history. Scouring Jeff G's friend list, he finds one Sabrina M, who--while not exactly waifish


definitely fits the "Asian" and possibly "sexpot" descriptors that Jeff G has given us.

But the biggest giveaway, of course, is the reviewing style. One look at this sentence (from her review of Maxfield's in LA) and I think you'll agree--these two are like a Yelp! Bonnie and Clyde:

Maxfield is amazingly snazzy, du jour, chic, snazzy, hot, chi-chi, au courant, and always always the most sophisticated couture at ridiculously outstanding prices even by common folk standards!!

Come on!! Snazzy TWICE? Au courant? Sounds to me like this lady has been to 32 countries on 5 continents. But really, this little snippet seals the deal:

if you're looking for a tongue slapping, spicy, delicious, flavorful, Mexican meal go to Loriol Plaza

Any true Jeff G aficionado will recognize that particular descriptive gem. Next up: where does she bartend?

ME+JEFF G=BFF 4EVR OMG LOLZ !!!1! PLUS HE KIND OF OUTS HIMSELF

Alot of people out there are COOT GALOOT SHERPA CLODs and don't have PERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS with JEFF G via THE INTERNET. Others of us, ME, do.

First, here's my Yelp! profile pic (my childhood dog, who will soon be immortalized):

And of course, here's Jeff's:

(Aside: he just looks like your everyday dude, huh? Just a little gel here, a little groomed facial hair there, a little Soul Rebel for good measure)

So I sent Jeff G a message on Yelp the other day, admiring his reviews and noting that they are THE BEST ON YELP, PLZ KEEP IT UP. And what do you know but JG wrote be back, and wicked promptly!

Unfortunately, his message was bereft of capital letters. It was also bereft of the things we all love about him: grammatical errors, creative spellings of arcane adjectives (WHINGY?), and vitriol. Look at this boring thing:

Hey Scott
Thanks for your awesome compliment. Thanks for reading my reviews. I really appreciate it and it means a lot to me that you enjoy them.

I don't know how to react to this. It is like a normal response from a non-lunatic.

Then comes the bam: Jeff G. outs himself! So much for his WAIFISH ASIAN GIRLFRIEND (WHERE DOES SHE BARTEND, PEOPLE?!?):

Anyhow, I love your dog by the way! Whats his/her name! He looks like he's a bundle! You should put some more pics up!
Ciao
Jeff

I'm not hating, I'm just saying that straight dudes don't A) love YORKSHIRE TERRIERS or B) refer to them as "bundles."

So begins my lifelong friendship with Jeff G.

Jeff G TAKES OVER THE UNIVERSE

Seriously, people, you need to get interested in the Cognoscente. Jeff G. is the best thing to happen to the internet since yesterday. Come on! He has been to FIVE CONTINENTS!

So it is only natural that our birthday card to Patso would pinch his style: