Welcome to Saturday. Now: Time for You to be Chastised!

Have you seen Honky Tonk Freeway? No? Why not? What the hell is wrong with you? Were you born stupid, or did you choose to become such an idiot? I'm guessing it's the latter.

Don't worry, though. It's been on TMC a lot lately. A LOT. Quick summation: Mad Mad World (or for this generation, Rat Race) meets Smokey and the Bandit meets most any Jim Jarmusch movie. Oh--and throw in a healthy dose of Ishtar and Waterworld.

Look at all the people in it:


Plays an alcoholic, married to best-Hollywood-name-ever, Hume Cronyn:


Plus: The cop who wasn't Chris Noth from the first season of Law & Order; Daniel Stern, as a coke fiend who is "Going to the Super Bowl to sell some co-caine"; Beau Bridges; Howard Hesseman; Terri Garr (AKA Mrs. Dad); William Devane; Deborah Rush. In short, it's a veritable hey it's that guy movie classic.

Also: Beverly D'Angelo plays a nymphomaniac waitress who carries her mother's ashes with her everywhere she goes. This should be reason enough to watch it (next Thursday at 4:40pm).

This is reason enough to buy a new iPhone.

Friday Review: It's 7am and I Just Got Home From Seeing The Dark Knight.

Which unfortch means that I don't have a whole lot of energy for an in-depth review. So here's the quick one. First: picture of the Uptown at 3:00am. It is not on fire; it is only lit up.


Verdict:

If I were Bruce Wayne, I would likely move away from Gotham City. The Joker (and this has only a little bit to do with the sadness of Heath Ledger dying) is the baddest ass to come around in some time. The fucker is SCARY and AMAZING and, most surprisingly, believable and (somehow) nuanced.

NBC4 was waiting to interview people when we came out into daylight. I shied away because I couldn't think of anything to say that didn't have lots of expletives.

Best Email Ever

Preface: My sister and I were obsessed with the movie The Natural when we were kids. Whatever, we were wholesome.

----- Original Message ----
From: Deffo Sister
To: Deffo
Sent: Monday, May 19, 2008 8:12:50 PM
Subject: ten surprises upon re-watching The Natural for, like, the 500th time

1. This was my first time to see the movie in about a decade. Last year, they did a "director's cut" of the movie. (Was there really a demand for a director's cut? Were the people really crying out?...) They added 20 new minutes of film. But they tightened up the overall film so the movie was only 6 minutes longer.
2. The director's cut is good. The movie actually feels like it moves along better. They go into the story of Roy Hobbs' origins a little more. The opening scenes aren't so choppy. His character has a lot more nuance.
3. Robert Redford apparently modeled his swing after Mickey Mantle's. He looks so much like a real ball player that it kind of sucks to realize he's just an ACTOR!
4. I may be slightly obsessed with this movie. Sorry.
5. I'm surprised by how well this movie has held up after 24 (!) years. You know what's going to happen, and you know the soundtrack is totally over-the-top romantic American Randy Newman stuff, but it still is kind of great to watch.
6. Gus was a PIMP! (Gus is the creepy bookie with the cyclops eye.) He kept Memo Paris on a string and bought her fancy furs and jewelry in return! So that's what that was all about!
7. Kim Basinger as Memo Paris. MEMO PARIS! WHAT THE HELL KIND OF NAME IS THIS. I DEMAND AN EXPLANATION.
8. I didn't realize that Richard Farnsworth's character's full name was "Red Blow." Red Blow! WHAT THE HELL KIND OF NAME IS THIS, etc. etc.
9. One of the parts they tightened up was our beloved "Well, what about you there, Huckleberry? [beat] Scared?" Now it's "Well,whataboutyouthere,Huckleberry,scared?" As you might have guessed, I rent my garments in twain and dumped ashes on my head over this tragic edit.
10. Kim Basinger, Glenn Close, Robert Redford, Robert Duvall, Barbara Hershey and Richard Farnsworth in one movie = TOTALLY WICKED-GOOD CAST.

Anyhow. How's tricks, cookie?
-c.

I'll bet that "Red Blow" is an oldfashioned term for cocaine.

Also, I say, don't forget Michael Madsen ("Bump" Bailey--lots of cocaine references in this wholesome movie) and Wilford Brimley! The cast just keeps on giving.

For your enjoyment, I offer this clip from the movie (which same sister texted to me the other day), where the batboy asks Roy Hobbs if he can help him make a superbat.

SCORE SCORE SCORE

Landlord just called, and on the recommendation of our spaz landlord and spaz boss, we are moving. Hells yes. Feel free to come over and relax on our front porch, which we will be having in two weeks. Adulthood here we are, &c.

When I got home after work the other night, this movie called "Let's Do Things" was on. That's the greatest name for a movie ever. Also, it was listed as "1931 (New)."


We went to the movies last night without any particular desire to see any particular movie, since it's what they call "Slim 'Pickins'" (ie Vantage Point) these days on the movie front. The only thing playing when we walked in was Horton Hears a Who, which neither of us had any particular desire to see, but decided to anyway.

Verdict: it was good. Especially this character, which is named Katie, and made me laugh out loud so hard that everybody in the theater looked at me and then laughed.


One of the problems with phlogging exclusively about oneself is that every year certain things happen, so there's naturally going to be some overlap. Remember last St. Patrick's Day? Sure you do!:


This year it wasn't quite so gross


but if you waited a couple hours and added a grown woman crying while trying to sneak gulps from her dude's Bud Light, you'd have the scene pretty well down.

Good Ideas Gone Wrong

Last night we went to see a movie. Once, I enjoyed seeing intellectually stimulating, or sad, or enigmatic independent films, largely in other languages and with budgets around $6500 US. Later, I became an adult and realized that movies aren't about learning things; they're about being entertained with as little thought as possible.

So instead of There Will Be Blood's thought-provoking, nuanced portrayals of a tormented American archetype, we went to see Be Kind Rewind, where movie stars make their own versions of popular American movies. It was good. And don't be fooled! Making your own version of a movie is harder than it seems. Cf. their version of Rush Hour v. an amateur's version of Ghost. Hint: the amateur's version suxxx.

After the movie we went to Clyde's for their 1/2 price raw bar happy hour, at which point the bartender convinced us that in lieu of two dozen oysters and a lobster cocktail we could spend ten dollars more and get Clyde's ShellfishStravaganza, which includes a dozen oysters, a dozen clams, a dozen jumbo shrimp, a dozen crab claws, and a lobster. Why not? It's only midnight, right? Should sit well.


Iodine poisoning is a bummer, but the food was delicious.

In other versions of ideas that started in a good place and end in grotesque excess, here's a picture of my neighbor's van, which he repainted in his backyard a couple months ago:


In tiny letters, it says "Boycott" and "purveyors around "Veal."

BONUSBONUSBONUS Don't forget that March Madness® Selection Sunday® is on Sunday. Get ready for my purely speculative (in that I've only watched three games all season) bracket to win the whole shebang.

SUPERBONUS Everyone who starred in "Roadhouse" is dying of cancer. Please, the following should see a doctor:

• Kelly Lynch
• Sam Elliott
• Ben Gazzara