Grab Bag

Forgot to post the most boring ride at the Montgomery County Fair:

And also Bigfoot, who "won" the Monster Truck Rally, which is disappointing because it involves absolutely no head-to-head action, simul-jumping, or destruction of the weaker Monster Trucks. It's just each one going after the other.

Here is me smoking a cigar in Key West. It's amazing what being an adult male at a wedding will make one do.

COME ON PEOPLE LOOK AT THIS TATTOO IT IS BOB MARLEY MORPHING INTO A LION

Hello, my name is Mikey and I'm 7 1/2 feet tall and I'm a zombie.

Ed Hardy now produces and sells chardonnay for $9.99 a bottle.

And last but not least, some place we went to in Key West had a VHS copy of Cocktail displayed prominently behind the bar. Our bartender was unsurprisingly practicing some pretty sweet flair in his downtime.

To Tide Over

Me, Ana and Amy in San Francisco, posing for our upcoming LP release. I'd post more but I'm walking at the speed of Tim Conway's Old Man character from the Carol Burnett Show, so I have to leave early to get to work.

Sorry, Last Ones I Promise

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA I'm the fat one

When In Need of Content Check Drawers for Things

This picture is from my dorm room my sophomore year in college, in 1997.

1. My Cannondale mountain bike, which I regrettably sold out of frustration (it had been taking up all my closet space for like 3 years) in 2005 for $200. It was way too big for the dude who bought it.

2. I had a sweet Macintosh LCIII. $1350 got you 4MB of RAM and a 40MB (MB!) hard drive. When one remembers this, complaining about how expensive Macs are now seems petty.

3. Being a white dude in college, I had a guitar. Which I rarely played. I ultimately gave it to Mikey, I think.

4. The weird thing about this picture is that I don't have socks on. I almost always wear socks.



This is from a few months later, after we moved into an apartment off campus.

1. Ansel Adams print. Obligatory.
2. Greatful Dead throw. Also obligatory, albeit not mine.
3. Exposed brick. This might has well have been a flat in Soho for all we knew.
4. Leo the Persian, which Justin (roommate) found in the road in south Georgia.

This apartment building would soon be condemned.

Wednesday!!1

Sometimes (all the time) you just wanna get some pho, and the idea makes you really excited.


Especially when you get there and realize that it's the best phomaker in the world. Seriously, all you people who are opening pho places in the city need to steal this dude. He's about yay high, Vietnamese, and remembers us every time we come.


Here's a spiral pain d'epis from yesterday.

I'm the Worst

I can't believe that I was so busy making fun of Goldie Hawn last night that I missed the 2nd Anniversary of keeping an web diary (this). Oh wait, of course I can believe it! Nice pecs, GH!


Of course, two years ago I envisioned a Jackie Harvey-esque version of things, which quickly devolved into mostly putting up pictures of myself and cats. And now I'm a millionaire!

PokerNight 2.0: This Time it's Something or Other

This poker night was based largely around tacos, in that they were made for us, as well as the fact that we polished off the bottle of Black Bush (real product) only halfway through the game. But everybody came in their best disguises. Like Chad, who is a member of either a Latino biker gang or a longshoreman or both:


And Cat, who just acted like she wasn't there and hoped to win anyway

And Joe, who was the big winner early on but graciously gave most of it back to the rest of us


and me, who just kept my eyes closed

and hoped that the one card I needed came out. Look! It did!


Sorry, MattBrown. You needed a costume to get into this post.

+++Nush points to this, which aside from the name (it really should be "Wickedify") is amazing.

Price of Fame + Ushering in a New Era of Opaqueness

When you author a blog that gets 40, 50 or even more visits every day, you're a pretty powerful person, which means that everybody is gonna want a piece of you. Or want you to put a piece of them on the internet. It's the price one must pay. Like this conversation I had with Mitch.

(Another part of being powerful and famous is that you have to censor things.)

Mitch: Sitting around reminiscing about the old apt complex with some friends

Me: Ah the redneck Melrose Place

Mitch: U forgot debauchery-laden

Me: Meh [redacted] didn't even [redacted] with all our friends

Mitch: [redacted][redacted] with [redacted] and [redacted][redacted]. then [redacted] [redacted] and [redacted] all [redacted].

Me: Oh yeah. Haha

Mitch: Looks like you and I are the only ones who didn't [redacted]

Me: As far as we remember haha

Mitch: Eww

Me: [redacted]

Mitch: Write about me!

Me: Like a biography?

Mitch: I was thinking blog. But biography might be yr ticket to big time

Me: True. I'd do this convo but I don't want everybody to know [redacted]

Mitch: Invent a convo. Or just tell them this one is a lie. HEY EVERYBODY - THESE ARE ALL LIES! There. I did it for you.

Me: But my sterling reputation! BTW iPhone auto correct gives "whitish" for "whorish"

Mitch: [redacted]

Me: [redacted] [redacted]

What if Michelle Obama Was My Girlfriend: A New Recurring Feature

Hey, girl. You feel like attending a formal dinner this evening? If not, I'm cool relaxing at home with the kids. Maybe watch a video after we put them to bed.

Things I Learned from Inauguration Weekend

1. I am an asshole. Two people told me so! The second was last night, when I was admittedly near the end of my normally endless rope:

Int., a bar, 10 minutes til close. 50ish Man approaches.

50ish Man: (hoarsely.) I bought a round of beers for my friends before last call and now your doorman isn't letting them in.

Me: Yeah, we can't let anybody in after last call.

50ish Man: But I bought them beers.

Me: I understand. But I can't let them in.

50ish Man: But I bought them beers.

Me: Yes. But by that logic, you could by 50 beers and invite your friends over at 5am to help you finish them off.

50ish Man: So there's no middle ground here?

Me: Sorry, no.

50ish Man walks back to his table. Two minutes pass.

50ish Man walks to the bar with four beers.

50ish Man: I'm not paying for these beers. You can call the cops.

Me: OK.

50ish Man: I'm not paying for them.

Me: Sounds good.

50ish Man walks back to his table, sits down.

50ish Man: (yelling.) Fuck you, asshole!

Me: OK.

50ish Man: (tantruming.) I've been coming to this bar since 1986!

Me: That's fascinating, since it wasn't established until six years later.

50ish Man: You're an asshole!

Me: OK. Oh, and also, you get to leave now.

Scene.

Motivational Poster Generator +++

This is a worthwhile endeavor, as is evidenced by this gallery of Hunter S. Thompson motivational posters, and this little number:


Also, sister responds to my exposé of her top-secret pin-making organization:

Sister: Chances are good that I will be driving to Warshington tonight to swiftly kill you for betraying the secret of Friendship Pins, Incorporated.

Sister: That Las Vegas mention was really a nice touch of formality and authority.

Sister: Hope the kitty DJing is going awesomely!!

Me: I'm DJing from my phone while texting you. FUTURE

Sister: Good, cuz I'm dressed up like Penny from Inspector Gadget and am currently transmitting from my Computer Book!!!

Me: HAHAHAHAHAHA

PLUS look at me wearing headphones connected to nothing

Phlogging on the Ones and Twos

I'll be playing music in the Red Room at Black Cat Monday starting at 8pm if'n you want to come by. No requests, marginally good music, likely played from my phone. How can one pass? (Hint: I will likely be the first person to ever play Travis Tritt's "Modern Day Bonnie and Clyde" in the Black Cat.)

I AM ON AN INTERNET ROLL

I bet you people didn't know that a) I co-authored a picturebook about trains with a dude named Jackson McQuigg (given name. Below is one of the captions I wrote.)


and b) I once submitted what can only be described as a marginally-readable short story to--wait for it--the Atlantic Monthly. Shock:

Birthday Photo Dump

Birthday started off right, when my Black Friday off-brand TV showed up early. It works! And it's flat.



Also Senior showed up in time to get some pho.


Ana took me to fancy dinner, so I wore my Sunday clothes.


Then we met up with friends, and Patso had worked his magic again:


And Riff Raff was there. She says I always take creepy pictures of us, which I disagree with but tried to take one anyway:

Thanksgiving: Comeuppance Edition

Ana barfed all day yesterday, which is ironic because a) she's Seinfeldian in her barfing tendencies; and b) it was Thanksgiving, which is a holiday formed around eating, which is one of her favorite pastimes. This can only mean that she was being punished by God.

Luckily for me, she felt good enough to still make it to dinner at the Tabard Inn, where I had this magnormous pork tenderloin chop. Unlucky for her, she had one bite of her meal and almost barfed. Not because it was gross.


Then she didn't feel up to going to Black Cat, which is a great DC tradition, but I did, so I left her at home. Shortly thereafter, Safia hijacked my phone and took some pictures:


Know who wasn't punished by God? Me

PUANTBOM + I Am Losing My Identity

At work yesterday some dude asked if I work at Black Cat too. No, I told him, you're thinking of Chad.

Me: Some dude just asked me if I work at Black Cat too. This is getting out of control.
Chad: No one ever thinks I work at Big Hunt.
Me: Up that.
Me: I'm gonna hire a publicist.
Chad: We should switch places for a day. Like on Sister Sister.
Me: Ok. Also I'm going to start a poster campaign called Scott Not Chad
Me: Or wear a t-shirt that says "Not Chad"
Chad: FWIW, no one ever asks me if I'm Chad or work at the Black Cat either.
Me: IWN=It's Worth Nothing. Ur dead to me.
Me: Oops I mean UDTM
Chad: Should I take your number out of my phone?
Me: Not if you want to know who's texting you death threats
Me: Although I guess I could just save them and tell them to you on Mondays
Chad: I bet your customers are happy about all your texting.
Me: They're not allowed to care. I forbid it
Me: PUANTBOM = Plus U Are Not The Boss Of Me
Chad: Hey, I wasn't telling you to get to work. I'm glad you're taking charge of your time.
Me: It helps when you have great disdain for your customers. Which you may understand.
Chad: That's why people confuse us.

Advertisement Reaches its Pinnacle +++

Looks like Obama has made his presence known in web advertising.


Obama reads Obama? Is this supposed to make me like him, or assume he's a sociopath?


Again, I slept on this thing for wayyy too long.

Election Day Pic Dump

Sorry I've been away for a while. I've been busy doing nothing.

During that time, things have happened.

A) My theory about stretching (that it sucks and is stupid, despite my half-hearted attempts) was proven correct. I first came up with this theory when Terry Pendleton joined the Braves in the 90s, bringing with him a super-fangled stretching program. Fact: this program ensured that he pulled a muscle 3 out of ever 7 times he broke into a jog.



B) I provisionally voted. Provisionally because DC doesn't have record of me being registered, even though I was summoned for jury duty like four years ago. Whatevs. At worst, I don't get to be one of the 95% this year.


C) Chick-fil-A still rulz.


D) Tried new/old beer (re-brewing of old beer labels--like shoes--is only going to increase in frequency, I predict) at Red Derby. Verdict: meh. Too sweet. But great packaging, Reading!


E) When one cannot find amazing Banh Mi (which one cannot in DC), what does one do? Get somebody to make it for you, I say.



F) Finally, Frizzesh Fizzootball is on FIRE. Who knew that such little care or concern could help me score 103 points (100 points in anything is good)?! Record now stands at 5-4.

ArchivoTotes

A friend from college posted some pictures recently, including this one of my flag-football team:

We thought of ourselves as this sort of rag-tag, bad news bearish sort of team. In retrospect, we look like babies wearing eye black.

But look how tough the one with the cigarette looks! It was a trend.

(Trivia: The one to my right, making goofy, is now a medical doctor. Who knew?)

Meme Me

Shepard Fairey's Obama poster has been ripped off alot (which is only fair since he's done it for a living), but the other night I saw my favorite one yet:



I especially like the ridiculously over-the-top image. She is like a vampire, after all. An adorable, well groomed vampire.

There are tons of them:

This Jobs one seems to be fueling the fire it's making fun of:


Easy target:


Not especially creative:


Awesome:


Somebody's getting their anachronism on:


Huh?

Better:


This is a very strange image of McCain:


Is this even McCain? Are people worried about copyright infringement?


Nope what?


Easier target:


Is it just me, or is this caricature more monkeyish than babyish?


He's a pretty good looking man. It's as if the poster made itself, really.