While browsing Achewood story arcs (this is what I do when I wake up), I found one that I had somehow missed: the Magical Realism arc. Which includes a LuchaCopter, which has legs, and a character named Butters.
Holy shit. I could've used that a few months ago.
SO YOU WANT TO BE A LUCHADOR. This is understandable. Where to begin? So many options, so many requirements! I'll tell you this right now--start from the beginning. And the beginning, as any true Luchador will tell you, is beading the rattail. This, my friends, is why you NEVER CUT YOUR RATTAIL. Make jokes about it, sure, just don't cut it. Otherwise, you won't be able do attain this:
What's next? We all know what's coming. Say it with me! Quality Domestic Beer.
Next! The Lucha mask is mandatory. The tougher-looking, the better.
Then come the capes and spandex, and photo-poses. Without a quality photo-pose, what are you going to be doing when someone takes a photo? Just standing there?
Here's another example of a good photo-pose.
And one more:
What is being a Luchador, I ask, without the wrestling? It is only posturing! Decide on a signature move, and name it. Preferably, the name of the move will be related to the sound your beaded-up rattail makes, and it will look good on your cape.
That's onomatopoeia, y'all.
Next, find a transient and practice your signature move on him.
Then do some more photo-posing.
And some more. Photo-posing, you may have noticed, is vital to the Luchador experience.
As is running around with one's cape flapping in the wind.
And at the end, all that is left is the piñata. True Luchadores forego the piñata stick and just rip the thing open with their bare, deadly hands.
Spring brings nice weather, when it really comes, and that means exercise! Usually, you should start off slow. Maybe take a nice leisurely bike ride around the monuments in our nation's capitol; use your new pedals! They allow your feet to stick to them. It is AMAZING.
After warming up, you can try something requiring a little more exertion. Like streetball! Spalding makes balls particularly for playing in the street. Can't check me!
Finally, you're probably ready for something a little more full-contact. At this point, you should probably come up with a good Spanish nickname (see below), and start constructing a costume. You're ready to become a Luchador.
After all, you already have the shoes. (Check back soon for the application of said costumes.)
