Ocean City USA

It's hard to have a bad trip to the beach, it turns out. Even with no sun, and when somebody's car breaks down on the way, the ish still rulez.

The ruling, it turns out, has much to do with being an adult and getting to do whatever you want.


Like, say, eating a snow cone and a caramel apple AT THE SAME TIME.


Or spending $20 on carnival games in exchange for a toy truck and three Dum-Dums.


Like this kid, who was enraptured by the claw.


Really, the entire point of going to the beach is to go to the bars. Or, in the case of Ocean City, the bar. The Bearded Clam, that is. The greatest bar in the world. Why, you ask? Because when you get up from your seats at the nearly-empty bar, they put a reserved sign. Cuz they know you're coming back.


And because they have all sorts of quasi-vintage beer paraphernalia, like this Bud sign which seems to have something grammatically wrong with it. Either way, though, it's still hard to argue with being Uniform and Distinctive at the same time. Just like America!




We stayed at Boss Boss's condo, which was likely built by Khrushchev, and which features a) the least-helpful exit diagram ever,


and b) the best beach-themed lamp ever.



Also, Ana was there!


Bad news.

Ocean City Part III: Airbrush Boogaloo

Coming soooon.

Cookout, Darkest Hour, Ocean City Reduxed

In this omnibus edition of DeffoTotes!, you will find:

1) That sailor hats make people look either awesome or scary, depending on the situation;
2) Things are not always as they seem;
3) Old people don't always act old; and
4) The beach escaped certain death.

So let's get started! On Sunday we had a barbecue before the Darkest Hour concert. T-Bone (pictured) read somewhere that rock stars wear sailor hats, so he wore his to fit in. It totally worked:


We have started a new tradition at our barbecues, wherein vegetarians eat meat. It's amazing! Look!


Darkest Hour rulz, people.


Thing learned: kids do this thing now where they jump off the stage INTO THE CROWD, which catches them.


Later on, we learn how menacing sailors can be! The menacingness is made less so by the creepy hovering dude in the background, but it's menacing nonetheless.


Then we go back to Ocean City, where we took our chances a few months ago and got burned. NEVER AGAIN.


We stayed with Chaz, our friend/manchild who is turning into a beach bum.


Funcade Casino: you were on notice, and you got lucky.



Shenanigans: Ditto.


Shirt with half-naked lady posing alongside wolf: no problem.


Chaz making straw-sword to fight with 8-year-old at the next table while at dinner: good idea.


Heading to the bar after taking photobooth pictures: the best part of the beach.

Photo Essay #10: Twenty-Four Hours in Ocean City

Our boss, who is the ruliest, offered to let us stay in his condo in Ocean City this weekend.


Because our weekend consisted of the hours between 10pm Sunday and 11am Tuesday, we decided to just make it a quick day trip. It's easy to have fun in Ocean City, even in the off-season. First, when you get there really late, crack open a couple cold brews, put them in your coozies, and watch some tube:


Next, it's imperative that you take advantage of your time--it's limited! So put those vacation guides to good use. Choose your restaurant by its name, and its name only. Of these, the contest is close; Tequila Mockingbird would be great on a hot day, but since it was a little chilly it seemed that Shenanigan's was the way to go. Nothing like some Shenanigans to keep a body warm, right? Right!!


Woo! The Boardwalk! They have a huge arch to let you know that this is indeed The Boardwalk:


DAMN IT DAMN IT DAMN IT WE MISSED SENIOR WEEK


Maryland likes suicidal hot dog sculptures. This one is out of ketchup. It's not really a hot dog without ketchup, though, so this one is safe for now.


Ooh! Ocean City is educational! Thomas Kinkade has purpose!


Ocean City has dwellings for all species. This is the most expensive dog house in the world.


I CALL BULLSHIT, FUNCADE CASINO. How can you not be open? What are the Russian seasonal workers supposed to do before the high season starts? There's only so many whipits to go around, you know.



Remember when I said that you can have fun in Ocean City, even in the offseason? I was LYING. You hear that, Shenanigans? YOU RUINED OUR MINI-VACATION. I hope you never forget that.