Saturday Grab-Bag

This picture of me and Mitch has been on the fridge for a while but I thought it was worth sharing with the world. For reference, this is the morning after we got to New Orleans in 1999 (I think) for Mardi Gras. Look how tough we are, what with the cigarettes and white-dude gang signs!


Yes, those are the remnants of blond in my hair. That's what's called being with it.

I may or may not include my childhood dog in new tattoo. The whole inside of the arm is free, and lookit!


Mini Restaurant Review Time! Ray's Hell Burger (sister restaurant of Ray's the Steaks/the Classics) is right next to Pho 75, so it's taken us a while to have a burger instead of delicious soup. Today we did.
It comes with corn on the cob and watermelon, and Dominion's draft root beer is available in chilled mugs. Verdict: read the last sentence. Duh.

The Olympic opening ceremonies were last night, which resulted in a treasure trove of text messages. A couple good ones:

from Anne: look @ team usa's gear. they are so ready for yacht rock

another from Anne: i'm pretty sure craig sager's tailor makes bank outfitting olympians*

Craig Sager

from Joe: do you think bush is at the olympics in hopes of an assassination as a graceful way out of a failing presidency?

*Thing I learned from Craig Sager's Wikipedia page: he was waiting for Hank Aaron at home plate after his 715th home run. (36 second mark here)

Grocery Shopping + I Am Not a Botanist

Today our refrigerator got fixed. It hasn't worked since early June sometime, but we've been out of town enough that it didn't really matter. This week, however, it began to matter when I started eating three-week old stale oatmeal cookies because the alternative was baking soda. Check out this sweet before and after:


In April, I was sure we had a Cherry Blossom tree in the front yard. Then a woman woke me up at 9:17am (the equivalent of 4am for norms) last week to ask if she could have some of our peaches. I said yes without really realizing that this meant the tree is a peach tree. Then I saw a squirrel making off with one yesterday, which made me think I should grab one before they're gone.


I'll let you know if they're any good in about three weeks when it's ripe.

Two Reviews in One Day OMG ICBITIFA

In his review of this phlog, Patrick asked for more reviews of things he'd like to eat. Two months later, I get around to it.

Behold something I'm betting Patrick likes to eat Vol. 1:

STAR CRUNCH

Star Crunch, for the sad and pathetic among you who don't know, is a Little Debbie product consisting of the following, probably: chocolate, caramel, rice crispies, soy lecithin.

First off, the packaging:

1. The shit is 35 cents. Can't beat it.
2. Star Crunch is not a meal, people. It is a snack.
3. Since there is nothing star-related in the snack itself--it would be more aptly named ChocoCrispyCrunch, in my opinion--Little Debbie had to add some star bursts to justify calling it Star Crunch. Which is cool with me.

Now the product:

The delicious center is chocolatey and gooey, true, but the true joy of eating a Star Crunch is in the anticipation. See it is imperative that one nibble off the outer coating of rice crispies--which are lightly coated in chocolate and really don't have much taste or texture and aren't very rewarding at all as far as snacks are concerned--before taking a full bite. Withholding that immediate sensory pleasure makes the experience that much more rewarding. Believe it.

In other news here's the tentative route for Road Trip USA, set to leave June 1:


View Larger Map

So here's your job, people. Give us places to visit in the following cities:

1. Pittsburgh
2. Columbus, OH
3. Cincinnati
4. Louisville
5. Bowling Green, KY
6. Nashville
7. Memphis (aside from the obvious)
8. Jackson, MS
9. Baton Rouge, LA
10. Houston

PS: ICBITIFA = I Can't Believe It This Is Fucking Awesome

Judge Baby Sez: Eat Yr Crabs, Dummy!

Ana's dad and brother were in town this weekend so we went to eat crabs in Annapolis. Which is awesome because she's allergic.

Sucker.

Know who isn't allergic to crabs? This kid, who has jowels that won't quit. Look how she wields the mallet gavel with such majesty!


Later she got bored and rained down all this stuff from the ether.


Dining tip: don't eat raw oysters and a bunch of crabs on an empty stomach.

Wednesdaze

Yesterday was a good day. First, it was the last day of our lease at the old house, which means that we won't have to ever see our spaz landlord again. We had to get the last few big things out, including the couch, which has been in the living room since well before I moved in three years ago. The couch, unsurprisingly, had become gross and had become the object of a considerable amount of subconscious hatred. It served its purpose, sure, but thank god it's dead now.


We took it and a bunch of other crap to the dump, which is my new favorite place. I highly recommend it.


What does one do after throwing a bunch of shit into an enormous pile of trash? One prepares to go to Minibar, the six-seat restaurant that serves a couple dozen one- or two-bite courses. I've been wanting to go for a long time and our friend who works there finally got us a reservation.

I hadn't eaten all day so I thought it would be smart to eat a little bit beforehand just in case. I call this "Ham with Pickles and Sriracha served with Coors Original."


One of the first courses was a tiny bit of salted olive oil encased in a clear candy shell.


I'm not even going to review these things because it's impossible and I'm no food writer. But I will say that the Sea Urchin with Hibiscus foam was like getting hit in the face by the ocean.


I think my favorite was the steamed bun with caviar and lemon foam. I could've eaten one as big as my face.

The tiny Caesar salad was awesome.

As was the Philly Cheesesteak

And the corn on the cob


And the sangria slushy


But easily the coolest looking dish was this one, which is little gelatin balls filled with the flavors of bagels and lox.


Candies.

Richmond: Baltimore of the South

We've been to Baltimore a million times in the past couple years, but never Richmond. Why? Because it's the capital of the South? No, the South rules. Because it's further away? Nobody cares about things like distance or time. It just boils down to laziness, people. We've been too lazy to give Richmond a chance. Those days are over.

On the way to Richmond or anywhere chances are you're going to want to stop and Dunkin' Donuts. This particular one that we went to not only didn't have any donuts, it didn't let us tip its employees:


Damn shame. Sorry, Quantico-area Dunkin' Donuts employees.

Anyway. You know when you have an idea in your head of what a place will be and then it doesn't live up to that mental picture? Richmond is not that place. Richmond is exactly like I thought it would be. Or at least the hotel was:



When the hotel calls for it, sometimes a murder has to happen. Plus, Joe is super accident-prone so it's easy to call it an accident.


Right across the street was this CBS Station which says it's the South's First Television Station. Which it probably is. But none of the lights in the sign work.


Then we went to dinner at a surprisingly good seafood restaurant where Ana ate a fish like Heathcliff the Cat:


Later, it got scary cuz it turns out Katie is a zombie changeling


and we just had to act like everything was normal


Also in Richmond it is compulsory to smoke cigarettes.


Also this is where this one girl started following us around.


I mean this is the next day and she's wearing the same clothes. You'd think she'd have the decency to change.


Travel Tip: If you're ever in Richmond and you need some flour or a notion, you know where to go:


This car had three kegs of beer in the back.


Before the zombie Katie got tattooed we went to the cemetery because Joe says there are some great names there. P. Lightfoot Wormeley says he is right:


As do Mary B. Strange and B. Gay Strange.


The only problem for me was that I found out that I'm dead.



Get a load of these two drunks dancing outside the bar! Omg. The girl had barfed inside earlier.

Ah, Spring

Today was the first really beautiful Spring day in DC. Brisk, sunny, mid-60s, perfect for eating with the thousands of other flip-flop-clad white people who love eating outside so very much. So we did the only thing we could think of: go underground in the suburbs to our favorite bar at the moment, the Quarry House. The booze there is good, but the fried pickles are hamazing.

Also, this is the bathroom.

Good Ideas Gone Wrong

Last night we went to see a movie. Once, I enjoyed seeing intellectually stimulating, or sad, or enigmatic independent films, largely in other languages and with budgets around $6500 US. Later, I became an adult and realized that movies aren't about learning things; they're about being entertained with as little thought as possible.

So instead of There Will Be Blood's thought-provoking, nuanced portrayals of a tormented American archetype, we went to see Be Kind Rewind, where movie stars make their own versions of popular American movies. It was good. And don't be fooled! Making your own version of a movie is harder than it seems. Cf. their version of Rush Hour v. an amateur's version of Ghost. Hint: the amateur's version suxxx.

After the movie we went to Clyde's for their 1/2 price raw bar happy hour, at which point the bartender convinced us that in lieu of two dozen oysters and a lobster cocktail we could spend ten dollars more and get Clyde's ShellfishStravaganza, which includes a dozen oysters, a dozen clams, a dozen jumbo shrimp, a dozen crab claws, and a lobster. Why not? It's only midnight, right? Should sit well.


Iodine poisoning is a bummer, but the food was delicious.

In other versions of ideas that started in a good place and end in grotesque excess, here's a picture of my neighbor's van, which he repainted in his backyard a couple months ago:


In tiny letters, it says "Boycott" and "purveyors around "Veal."

BONUSBONUSBONUS Don't forget that March Madness® Selection Sunday® is on Sunday. Get ready for my purely speculative (in that I've only watched three games all season) bracket to win the whole shebang.

SUPERBONUS Everyone who starred in "Roadhouse" is dying of cancer. Please, the following should see a doctor:

• Kelly Lynch
• Sam Elliott
• Ben Gazzara

Sleepy Murph: The Epic Journey

When Murph gets sleepy, he sleeps:


But one can never accuse him of keeping us from the party.


BONUSBONUSBONUS Pedro was caught lounging in a compromising position:


BONUSBONUSBONUS #2 Ana on eating blood: "The thing about blood is that you can only eat so much of it." Truer words have only been spoken periodically.

Fanksgiffing Travel Tips

We took a quick trip to Atlanta for Thanksgiving to see my family, and to eat. Which is how visiting the South works, basically.

First: drive around for 5 hours looking for a CVS or a Walgreens or some place that sells things to cure Ana's typhoid. Next, breakfast at Ria's Bluebird Cafe. (Travel tip #1: Do this.)


Next: check into brother's girlfriend's apartment, which she is lending us while she's out of town. What do we do? Contaminate it! Sorry about the typhus germs, Sarah! Ha, ha! Another dose of Airborne, please!


What's good for typhoid, you ask? Beer!


Travel tip #2: watch local news. Because you don't care about the scary parts, the feel-good stories are a source of pure comedy.


So Thanksgiving rolls around, and because consumptives can't sleep very well, the best idea is to visit Waffle House. This particular Waffle House was a "Hash-Slinging Zone," which was fine with me. They also don't like firearms. But those things don't matter, really.


What matters is that Waffle House produces delicious, delicious food. Get that shit on Texas Toast, people. It's good for you.


Later, Ana is released from quarantine long enough to do some cooking at my parent's house. Travel tip #3: do things the way she likes, or she'll yell at you.


Then eat and go visit Grandma. I'd give you a picture, but if I had tried to get my camera out she probably would've broken it. Grandma weighs about 80lbs these days, which is not cool at all. But she still rules. As if she couldn't.

And later, we go with my brother looking for a place to get a beer. We found one called "Pufferbelly's" which included this Monster® Energy Drink poster of a woman's backside with a can of Monster® Energy Drink tucked conveniently in her thong:


In short, Pufferbelly's ruled. Happy Thanksgiving.

"Fuck, I Wanna Eat, Goddammit!"

PLEASE LISTEN TO THIS.

PLEASE.

DeffoFoodReview: BistroTimeUSA

It's a little late, but we've never been to CENTRAL MICHEL RICHARD, and I have a camera now so it seemed like time for the first true DeffoReview of Foods.

CENTRAL MICHEL RICHARD is a "bistro," for the purposes of the fact that they wanted to make hamburgers and one can't do that at MICHEL RICHARD CITRONELLE, presumably for fear that people might mistake his high-end restaurant for a barbecue bug-b-gone device.

Anybody with two restaurants with his name in them has got to be a good chef, right? Of course! He's really good! How about the design of the place? As my dad likes to say, as a designer, he makes a really good chef. Nyuk! Narf!

Washingtonian notes the "endless blond wood, clean lines, and air of casual brilliance" in the dining room. Hey Ana! What do you think of that?


Yes. Big orbs scream casual brilliance.


"Blond wood" = fake and plastic, a la our most luxurious chain hotels!


But if you put delicious foods on top of plastic tables, it's still delicious. These things on the right are called "Gougères," which means either "cheese puff" or "venereal disease" depending on what the context is (for reals). Thinking about this linguistic overlap is gross, but the cheese puffs were really delicious.


Because the restaurant is on Pennsylvania Avenue, reviews always mention that "power brokers" "hobnob" there. The place was full, but I didn't see anybody powerbroking (unless you include our great overlord).

I did, however, see a middle-aged woman shoveling salad into her mouth with a strained look on her face like this:


But anyway. Less about me, more about food! Enough Tim Carmaning! (Side note: Hey Tim! How about a description of a dish at some point in your next review! Thanks!)

It's a bistro, but it's still fancy and frenchy, so I figured that my fried chicken would be a piece of chicken lightly breaded with a fancy sauce drizzled in an asymmetrical pattern over the top. In reality, the dish is 4' x 6' (see fig. below), and comes with 1.5 gal of creamy mustard sauce in a gravy boat, two whole perfectly-fried chickens, and 3lb of rich, creamy pureed potatoes.

Junk is delicious. For actualies.


Ana got "pied de cochon," which we assumed meant "to walk like a pig," i.e. some sort of slow-roasted dish. We were totally wrong. It actually means "ground up pig, wrapped in dough with spices and vegetables, and fried so as to look like a pig's foot." Trust me-the latter is infinitely more delicious than the former. They had to bring a new table to fit the 5' x 5' plate:

Then we had coffee.

(There you have it, people: the perfect food review. You're welcome.)

BONUSBONUSBONUS

Me and Riff Raff's Prom picture (look how short!):


OMG MURPH'S CHIN IS FREE, LADIES


Two new superheroes arise out of the mist, driven by their dramatically different shoe sizes:


Nerds remain nerds, people.

Novella Friday

Clean little narratives don't just create themselves, people. Sometimes you have to put things together and let enthalpy figure it out.

CHAPTER ONE

The other night we got home and there were a few signs that something was afoot:

1. There is a backpack that must belong to a dude.
2. There is an iPod.

What can be happening?!


Empty can of Schlitz malt liquor is happening.


Snoop on vinyl + Starbucks has been happening.


I totally figured it out at that point though because there's this dude that works at Starbucks that we know and I have this picture of him:


Evan: You're welcome.

CHAPTER TWO

All the anger and violence toward sea bugs from a couple days ago wasn't just for funs. It was for eating!


Ana made four sauces to make the notoriously dry, tasteless lobster meat come to life.

1. Cerrano pepper something sauce
2. Mango chutney something sauce
3. Roasted tomato something sauce
4. Cerrano pepper something sauce with mint (mint is gross to eat so she made two separate batches-one for people that like to eat gross things and one for people that don't)

Then we each ate the equivalent of two lobsters and passed out for six hours.

CHAPTER THE FINAL

Cats!

Punk has taken to sitting on this empty Budweiser case outside of PJ Winkleman's hovel. It gives her a more advantageous vantage point, what with the elevation and everything. She likes to sit there and stare at PJ or where she thinks PJ may be. I'm pretty sure Punk has gone blind, for serious.


Blind people walk toward shiny things, right? Like big flashes of light?


Anyway, so this morning I was at the store and the guy that works there was all, hey, you're early today, as if it's any of his business, but I was there like five hours earlier than normal and I wanted to say yeah, it's hard to keep sleeping when new cat is peeing on you, but I thought he wouldn't have understood and it probably would've been really depressing for him when all he was doing was being nice.

In other news, new cat almost used the litter box this afternoon.

I'll let you put the pieces together.

She's also not allowed in the bedroom for the time being.

In place of the bedroom, she's building a bomb shelter:


BONUSBONUSBONUS you're gonna get some more of this


and maybe a dash of this (Vegans with guns! Eep!)


come Monday. Git ready.

What Happens on Thursday: Tuesday Edition

Our friends went to Maine this weekend, which is famous for lobsters. On Tuesday, a box showed up:


The box was full of lobsters!

So then I went to work. Everything there was pretty cool. Then I got home and Ana had already murdered two of the lobsters! She said that the directions told her to, and I wanted to point out that she didn't always have to do what pieces of paper tell her to, but it was late and I thought that might've been rude.

She said she hadn't ever cooked lobster before but then she started pulling all the meat out at lightning speed:



I didn't have anything to do, so I tried to cook a third lobster by shooting lasers out of my eyes


but it didn't work so I dropped it into a boiling cauldron to see if I couldn't get an artsy/creepy photo out of the whole thing:


Done and done.

Surprisingly, mean fat boy cat kept hanging around like the lobsters were for him. Which they AREN'T. Didn't you read the note, idiot?


Lobsters all over the world are probably scared of Ana now.


PS The best thing is that all this happened at 4 in the morning.
PPS Thks 4 tha shoutout, Jenny "Hecks" Miller.

BONUSBONUSBONUS ANOTHER PHONE PICTURE

Pat two years ago after work + FunFrame:

Palindrome of 24 Hours in New York = Kroy Wen ni Sruoh 42 fo Emordnilap

For Ana's birthday we went to New York, but you already know that. We took the TRAIN. That's what people did in the old days.


Like any trip, the whole purpose is to eat. First stop: Cafe Habana. Sandwich was so good that Ana took a bite even though there was a mayonnaise-like substance on it.


The best part, though, was that this guy


was there, dressed like he meant it. He seemed to be channeling Noah Taylor's character in Almost Famous. It's groups of people like this (cf. the girl on the left) that I see in New York that make me sad.

Anyways. After that we shopped or something in order to kill time before eating again, this time at Prune, which Ana's wanted to go to since she was born. And it wasn't even open then.


Up front: Prune might be the best restaurant in the world, ever. If food bores you, scroll down for depressing pictures of Coney Island.

First: radishes with butter and salt. If you gave me this dish when I was 12, I would've smacked you in the face and not apologized. Now, I order it of my own free will. It's good.


Next: kale with soft eggs in a Parmesan butter sauce. EGGS FOR DINNER, PEOPLE. This lady is breaking all the rules. Again, me at twelve would give you a punch in the nose if you set this in front of me, and again, it's good.

Next: stewed pork shoulder with salsa verde. It's served in big chunks with a spoon and it falls apart with the slightest pressure. Pork shoulder sounds like it would be stringy, but pigs are fat and their shoulders wonderfully tender.


Next: soupy rice with lobster and squid. It's a little thing, but this restaurant is good at words too. Putting "soupy rice" before "lobster" is probably some sort of unforgivable menu sin, but it's the right description and it sounds gross to you then you probably shouldn't have it anyway.



You totally got eaten. That's all the food for now.

The meal was so good that Ana left her wallet at the restaurant. Sad Ana:


But the people there are nice and found it for her. Happy Ana:

What do you do after a flawless meal? Go to the dirtiest bar in the world and take a picture of the bathroom, natch.


Coney Island is going to be blown up and sunk into the Atlantic Ocean next month, so we decided to go visit even though the Sideshows by the Seashore and Astroland are all boarded up.


Thank god this guy is keeping an eye on stuff.


Wait, this doesn't look very depressing! That ferris wheel looks fully operational. There aren't any stray dogs, even!


Ok, this'll do. Close-ups of chainlink fence are impossible to make undepressing.


Anything, however, can be made undepressing by a corndog.


Totonno's, you have chosen your fate: Shenanigan's can tell you about it.


Fact: Russians have the ability to move anywhere and Gulagify a place. Look! They sell DVDs and Videos at this jail, but they call it BNAEO NPOKAT. Weird.


BONUSBONUSBONUS: Ana on Law & Order

CHUNG CHUNG