Richmond: Baltimore of the South

We've been to Baltimore a million times in the past couple years, but never Richmond. Why? Because it's the capital of the South? No, the South rules. Because it's further away? Nobody cares about things like distance or time. It just boils down to laziness, people. We've been too lazy to give Richmond a chance. Those days are over.

On the way to Richmond or anywhere chances are you're going to want to stop and Dunkin' Donuts. This particular one that we went to not only didn't have any donuts, it didn't let us tip its employees:


Damn shame. Sorry, Quantico-area Dunkin' Donuts employees.

Anyway. You know when you have an idea in your head of what a place will be and then it doesn't live up to that mental picture? Richmond is not that place. Richmond is exactly like I thought it would be. Or at least the hotel was:



When the hotel calls for it, sometimes a murder has to happen. Plus, Joe is super accident-prone so it's easy to call it an accident.


Right across the street was this CBS Station which says it's the South's First Television Station. Which it probably is. But none of the lights in the sign work.


Then we went to dinner at a surprisingly good seafood restaurant where Ana ate a fish like Heathcliff the Cat:


Later, it got scary cuz it turns out Katie is a zombie changeling


and we just had to act like everything was normal


Also in Richmond it is compulsory to smoke cigarettes.


Also this is where this one girl started following us around.


I mean this is the next day and she's wearing the same clothes. You'd think she'd have the decency to change.


Travel Tip: If you're ever in Richmond and you need some flour or a notion, you know where to go:


This car had three kegs of beer in the back.


Before the zombie Katie got tattooed we went to the cemetery because Joe says there are some great names there. P. Lightfoot Wormeley says he is right:


As do Mary B. Strange and B. Gay Strange.


The only problem for me was that I found out that I'm dead.



Get a load of these two drunks dancing outside the bar! Omg. The girl had barfed inside earlier.

Bizarro Saturday

Saturday Night Timeline:

5:00pm-2:51am: Normal

2:52am: Girl accuses dude of hitting her at upstairs bar, approx 30 other dudes attempt to beat living hell out of dude. Glass crashing ensues.

2:53am: Me in manager mode, walk upstairs, say the word "cops," 30 other dudes stop attempting to beat living hell, run away.

2:59am: Dude demands police escort out of premises. Demand is not met because police don't live in my back pocket, and because bar is not UN. Dude leaves, everything fine.

3:25am: Glass cleanup finishes.

3:26am: Co-worker informs me his drawer is $660 short. Count, recount, recount, count other money, check numbers, drink beer quickly, put forehead in hands.

3:29am: Evan points out that report being referenced is for the wrong drawer. Money is not missing. Exhale. Adjourn to office, begin closing procedures.

3:51am: Colin asks me if I smell smoke. I don't. Assume bar is burning down on top of me. Hear Colin hollering from down the hall. Sigh. Walk down hall to the walk-in refrigerator.

3:52am: Discover patron who has stowed himself away in walk-in refrigerator for approximately an hour. Claims he was "locked in." Point out that this is impossible.

3:53am: Realize that patron has cut the power to refrigerator, drank a beer, smoked two cigarettes, broken a case of beer, knocked over a bucket of wings, a box of lemons, punched out a piece of plywood holding in exhaust fan, and urinated in an empty bucket.

3:54am: Recognizing that it would be too difficult to dispose of a dead body, take patron upstairs to get his information and figure out what the hell to do with him:


3:55am: Take information, put it on sheet of paper, discuss the fact that we are probably going to call the police and press charges.

3:56am: Patron takes sheet of paper and tries to eat it. Becomes apparent that patron is in fact the drunkest superspy on the planet. Co-worker does puppy jaw thing on patron, procures paper before it gets digested, but not before it gets saliva'd:


4:00am: Walk patron out, stick a note in his pocket reminding him that he's not really welcome here anymore.

4:01am: Laugh hysterically.

4:02am: Begin cleaning.

Halloweenia

The Saturday before Halloween means that people get dressed up in costumes and go to bars for eight or nine hours.

I still don't have my camera, or else yous's would be privy to some serious awesomeness from my bar; in place of pictures of the revelers, I compiled a list of the most popular costumes this year:

1. Drunk sexy homemaker
2. Drunk sexy cop
3. Drunk dude in drag
4. Drunk woman who could be mistaken for dude in drag
5. Drunk sexy cat
6. Drunk sexy rabbit
7. Drunk zombie
8. Drunk dick in a box guy #1
9. Drunk dick in a box guy #2
10. Drunk drunk