Italian Christmas + Blay, Scene II

Martina's family is Eyetalian, which means they have forty kids and have big, pasta-y Christmas celebrations. Lucky for us we get invited.

I love seeing things like this height chart in houses. How could you possibly be a parent and not get teary every time you walk past it?


This particular family has a predilection for bulldogs. The newest one is Porkchop, and has captured my heart. Here she is sitting on the youngest of the Crivellas:


FYI: Blay=Blog + Play. Scene II!:

Int, nighttime, a bar. A group of Baltimore Ravens fans is watching the game against the Cowboys. The Ravens score.

Fan #1: Yeah! Yeah! Woo! Ravens! (Hi-fives Friend #2.) Shots! Shots on the house!
Me: What house?
Fan #1: Shots on the house!
Me: You do realize we're not in Baltimore, right? (Fan #1 stares blankly.) And that we don't give out shots every time a particular sports team scores? (More blank staring.)

Fifteen minutes pass. The Ravens score again.

Fan #1:Hoo-wee! Yeah! Ravens! (More hi-fives.) Shots! Shots on the house!
Me: Hey, Remember? We. Are. Not. In. Baltimore. (A closeup of Tony Romo, the Cowboys quarterback, comes on the TV. Fan #1 yells as I turn my back.)
Fan #1:Fucking faggot!

I turn slowly around.

Me: Excuse me?
Fan #2: Tony Romo! Tony Romo! He means Tony Romo!

Scene.

Two Thing Saturday

First: I think I've decided on the rest of my pegacornicat tattoo: childhood dog with viking helmet on a throne.


Second: new fake band, perfect for this website:

Road Trip USA Redux: Picturetimez

Look! It's two dudes with beards.


And a dog. The dog was bummed because he had to sit in the back.


People have lots of opinions about West Virginia. Two of them are right. 1) It is beautiful


And 2) terrifying. This is an abandoned gas station with an abandoned semi on blocks. If we had seen this at night I would likely have been murdered.


Before going to the Tri-State Dog Track and Slot Emporium, we had Arby's.


In Kentucky, the sandwich shop was selling Pickle Pops, with aren't pops at all but rather plastic ramekins filled with frozen pickle juice. We bought two and they were not refreshing.


You know what is refreshing? Buying 9 bottles of bourbon.


And then the proprietor gives you two pints of your favorite "for the road." Now that's a responsible liquor purveyor!


Soon after that we see Dinosaur World, which is impossible to not stop at.


Next door to Dinosaur World, of course, is a fireworks store where Teebz buys lots of illegal mortars and the like.

There are lots of videos of us shooting them off, but I'll just give you the one for now. (Hint: If you don't have the sound on it's going to be even more boring than it is already.)

Then we walked down the road acting all innocent and around the corner we find this big jail which explains why there were cops everywhere.


The next day we went to Graceland. I have sworn to recreate the TV room when I get the money. No fake. The bar is yellow vinyl.


Then in a Mississippi rest stop: the first of two great bathroom photos:


The cup says "SOAP please do not dump out the dispenser is broke"

New Orleans on a random Tuesday night: hot as hell and people trying to act like it's Mardi Gras. Bummer.

Recommendation: find 24-hour bar playing Death Wish 3. Take a picture of its bathroom.



In Austin, it was time for Roadtoo. Specifically, bald eagle carrying booze and fireworks.



After staying in Motel 6es for four nights, we noticed that the skier/boxer on the comforter has an arm that looks suspiciously like a red rocket. I'm guessing that life as a designer for Motel 6 bedspreads yields little excitement.

Photo Essay #8: Baltimore is Hot These Days

Yes, Baltimore is hot. Only not meteorologically speaking. Really, it is the same as the rest of the Mid-Atlantic: coldish. But we made the day trip anyway, because there are certain things one just must do. We had goals, after all. Big ones.

We got up early. Check the weather! Check! Looks good! Blue skies!


Head on down to Union Station. Bustle, bustle, miss 1:20 MARC train. It's okay, though! Let's grab a Happy Meal!


Shit, they're putting really creepy dolls in Happy Meals these days. I would've been pissed and scared to get this thing when I was 8:

Woot! 2:15 train to B'More! We're all excited for the camera, all at the same time! Without any Photoshopping, even!


Seriously!


I mean, how could one not be excited about rolling up to Charm City when dudes like this are coming with?


That hair and complexion needed a triptych if it were to be done justice.

But here we are! Baltimore, City of Lights! City of Industry and the By-Products Produced Therein! This picture is actually in focus:


First stop: Fell's Point, to meet this kid, who is eating blue cotton-candy-flavored ice cream. He resembles a young Violet Beauregard, does he not? But he is not greedy, nor did he need to be juiced.

Also, his mom might've been the best mom in the world, because she was laughing as hard as we were. She told us that she wanted to have a bite of his cone until he decided to add Butterfinger chunks into the mix. That kid is a genius.

While we were talking to the kid these two guys asked us to answer questions for a movie they were making. We said yes. Its randomness threw me off guard:

Him: What is the most important thing in the world?
Me: You've asked the wrong person, man. Sorry.
Him: No, no. What's the most important thing in the world to you?
Me: Money.
Him: What's next?
Me: Sex.
Him: What's next?
Me: Things.
Him: What's next?
Me: Food.
Him: What's next?
Me: Jesus.
Him: What do you know about blood?
Me: (pause) Not much.
Him: Anything.
Me: Seriously, not much.
Him: What are the three kinds of blood cells?
Me: Red, white and hemoglobin. (Right Answer: Platelets. Damn.)
Him: Where is blood produced?
Me: The heart. (Marrow. I've given up.)
Him: Why are you here?
Me: To go shopping.
Him: No, why are you here? (Implying in the grand scheme of things.)
Me: To go shopping.

Turns out he was doing a infomercial for a blood disease foundation or something, which was to begin with some man-on-the-street clips. I was relieved. Otherwise it would've been weird. Oh, and he complimented our footwear. But I only have a picture of mine, surprisingly:


Second stop: Food. We happened by Brewer's Art, which has great tap handles for its beer. Especially Resurrection Ale, which was probably a hit this past weekend:

And finally, on to the pool hall our friend Stevie Pants manages. Ana showed the surprising and shocking ability to create balls out of thin air with only brute force:


But the true purpose of any trip to Baltimore is to see the new Boxer puppy that your friends just acquired:

That face is made for TV.

Make the last train back with 30 seconds to spare, and you've got yourself a successful day trip. But I forgot! It's made all that much more perfect by my purchase of Knight Rider Season One (which comes with the complete Knight Rider 2000 Movie and a full manual for KITT, which I'm going to need when you people finally come through with the cash). See? Again without the Photoshopping: