Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Back and Killing Things Indiscriminantly

New camera is everything I dreamed it would be: it takes photos and allows me to seamlessly transfer them to my personal computer. In short, what people used to dream about. Today I took it out for a spin.

First, I took a bad picture of Ana stretching in preparation for eating pho:

Which may sound weird unless you knew that she was going to fill her belly with cow tendons and raw steak:

After that we went to see Senior at Rusticles, where she is "cocktailing". Since she was lolligagging around southeast Asia a month ago, she sees this development as a bummer. We see it as funny. Ha, ha! Dana, you're bummed!

When we got home, my copy of Mac OSX 10.5 LEOPARD was waiting for me. Of the 300 new features, the only one I am likely to use: new backgrounds for PhotoBooth! Look! Four pictures of me as if I were underwater!

Then I remembered that there's this new cat in the house. I was pretty sure she was still alive, but I thought I should take some pictures to convince her former owner. Look, former owner! She's even eating!

She loves being photographed. I've heard that's the case with kidnap victims.

Such a pretty cat. Aren't you! AREN'T YOU?!!

Oh yeah, there's other, older, fatter cats still in the house.

Also, there are also dudes ready to go out on the town.

BONUSBONUSBONUS A drawing of Ana and me (in my best Don Martin style) from a long time ago that I just re-found:

(She added the unicorn crying blood.)

Tuesday, October 30, 2007





Hey, Gang!

This is old, but it was at a point when I didn't have my camera, just like now. Although I've been told it is shipping. But everyone is a liar, so I don't believe it yet.

But anyways. Looks! Teebz and I at Chili's! We're both former ChiliHeads, you know. Coupla specialty 'ritas for the two of us! MMM!

Sunday, October 28, 2007


The Saturday before Halloween means that people get dressed up in costumes and go to bars for eight or nine hours.

I still don't have my camera, or else yous's would be privy to some serious awesomeness from my bar; in place of pictures of the revelers, I compiled a list of the most popular costumes this year:

1. Drunk sexy homemaker
2. Drunk sexy cop
3. Drunk dude in drag
4. Drunk woman who could be mistaken for dude in drag
5. Drunk sexy cat
6. Drunk sexy rabbit
7. Drunk zombie
8. Drunk dick in a box guy #1
9. Drunk dick in a box guy #2
10. Drunk drunk

Saturday, October 27, 2007

CameralessDeffoToting, Plus! Online Shopping All Sucky!

After my camera was cursed by the god of fake vegans, I bought a new one. Remember? It was like six months ago. Guess what? I still don't have a camera. Why? Cuz online shopping went sucky all of the sudden. I remember days when I could fire up the 14.4, log on to CompuServe, and browse literally dozens of products provided by nerds all over the region with internet connections. After that, I would log off, call the number provided, decide on a form of payment, send an insured letter containing a money order, and within weeks the product would likely be at my door.

Those days of eNirvana are no more, friends. How, you ask? Here's how. I purchased a camera online through the "Google Marketplace" (I know, I should've guessed that such an outfit was likely a scam). It was a good price, and I trusted the TriState Camera brokers to hook it up.

Until two days later, when a dude named Abe (pronounced "Ay Bee") called me to verify my order. What's to verify, I wondered! I gave them enough information to steal my identity. Lucky for me, my SSN isn't all that valuable these days, so I didn't really care.

I had to call four times before AyBee answered. This seemed weird, because his job title is "Verification Specialist." What else does one do as a Verification Specialist than answer the phone of people you're trying to verify? Anyways. He answered finally, and told me he needed my billing phone number. I told him that it was the one he had been calling. He said it was wrong. I said that's not possible, because he called me using that number. He said it didn't match the credit card number. I said that it did. He said it didn't. I said it did. He said it didn't. I said I'd had the same phone number for 5 years, well before I ever got the credit card. Plus, I shop online. Alot. So he was totally wrong. He says he's not. I say that I think this is really weird, and would you please cancel my order. He says sure, hangs up. I get a little worried that he's selling my passport. But whatevs.

So the next day, I buy the camera again, this time from an outfit with a more whimsical name and a slicker website. Two days later, I get a call from them. Hi, dude, we know you bought this camera online through us, and we know it's still listed as for sale on the site, but we don't have any of them. Sorry! We'll cancel your order, bro. No worries. I'm less worried about them stealing my identity, but still weirded out by the willingness to sell an item that you don't have. In my book, that is a shady business practice. So I move on.

I buy the camera a third time in a week. This time, I go through a thingy called "" which seems like it would be reputable because "" has got to be an expensive domain to buy. It is again through the whole GoogleMarketPlaceCoopers thing, and I get a discount just cuz. I am feeling good about it. When they charge my card for real (instead of a pending charge), I assume this means that everything's good. When you charge somebody, that means they get what you charged them for. Otherwise, it's stealing. And if GooglePlaceWaterhouse is stealing from me, I at least want 1/3 of a share of their company.

Two days after they charge my card, I get an email from saying thanks for the order! We've processed it, and now we're seeing if our vendor can process it! This part is weird because I don't know what did to process it that took two days. Once the card is charged, doesn't that mean the processing is over? Doesn't it?

At this point, I don't think Google is stealing my identity or my money. But if they do, expect me to point it out to the world and then mysteriously disappear.

OK! Enough compwhining! Let's look at stuff that I have gotten from the internet that worked out like it was supposed to:

This bike frame (not the couch, unfortch):

These brakes, which are Italian and good as new, they say:

These handlebars:
Lots of excess white space on that picture of handlebars.

This stem, to which the handlebars will be attached:

These brake levers, which are used but they're called "Dura-Ace" which means that they last forever:

This derailleur, which is the thing that makes the bike work right, also used:

The short story is that I'm building a new bike, and I'm almost done. Shizz gets expensive, people. If I had kids, they'd be eating stews and saving their tin foil for the next month. But I don't, so everything stays the same.

In other surprising news, I got a pair of shoes:

I rationalized it because they were $34 and overnight shipping was free. So basically they were free.

I couldn't rationalize the purchase of these:
because they were about fifteen times as expensive as the others. No jokes.

I also didn't get this hoodie

because damz, you know I got the hotter version already.

And finally, in the nerd version of my online shopping, I pre-ordered the new Mac OS. REFLECTIVE DOCK, people.

Monday, October 22, 2007

Sunday, October 21, 2007

Don't Question My Judgement

Still waiting on new camera.
In the meantime, this seems like a spectacularly bad idea.


Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Shocker! I Made an Impulse Purchase

Because otherwise, there wouldn't be any pictures to DeffoTote about.

Wednesday and its Personal Revelations

When I was in college, I drew a comic strip called Plastic for the college newspaper. Get this: they rarely made sense...on purpose. Click to enlarge!

In this one, the guy with the tassled hat sticks his tongue out in different directions. Fun fact: I sold a painting version of this to a dude for like $250. In real dollars, $250 was $159,334 then.

This one delves into a certain ethical situation I'm sure we've all experienced:

This one involves a dude with a hand for a body being all demanding:

Monday, October 15, 2007

Sunday Funday Whiskey and Gun Day II: Guns, Gods and Glories

Last year's Sunday Funday Whiskey and Gun Day was pretty awesome, but it was a bare-bones event. We had a table, some stuff to shoot, and some guns. That was it. There were no mascots, no explosions, no vehicles flipping over--aside from some well-framed poses, it was basically just people shooting guns at things. We were determined to change all that with the second incarnation, and we did.

First, we had to bring Dana back from Thailand so she could be at this year's festivity. I don't know how many of you are well-versed in extradition treaties, but drug jails are a real hassle. Red tape as far as the eye can see! But it all worked out and we shoved her in the back seat and tried to take pictures:

We warmed up by shooting "skeet," which I think is how they spell it. It may be "sqeit." You know that gun jargon. Cryptic as hell.

After we had killed all the sqeits, it was time for the real purpose of the whole weekend: to put the stuff we bought on a couch and shoot it over and over again. Here's the whole gang before we got started. A rag-tag bunch, ha ha ha!

Oh wait! Joe decided that since it seems that I can't have a phlog without a lobster in it, he would bring one along and make it the mascot of the day. Meet Lobster Nicole Smith:

Then I took a picture of myself looking tough with a "thirty-eight special," which is named after a band. The only thing I hit after taking this picture was the side of the hill. Darned close-range killing machines. No good for target practice. Unless you're targeting something from one foot away, execution-style.

Looking at what you've just shot is alot more fun than you might think.

And yes, that is a tub of Country Crock. I was raised on that shit.

Two hours later, the couch was dirty and shotten!

And I laid down in front of it even though it was totes gross. Continuity comes at a price, people.

Part two of the evening involved drinking fancy beer and sitting around a fire trying to be funny. In short, what America was made for. Greg's pretty good at it.

A smart thing to do at this point in time is to take some four-wheelers out for a spin in the woods. Joe and Dana put on "helmets" (I'm spelling it phonetically) before going out for what they said was a safety precaution. Your insurers thank you, Joe and Dana!

Anyway, Joe has been tempting fate and laughing at God for way too long, so Jesus decided that it was time to give him a wake-up call! By "wake-up call" I mean "ATV rolling over on top of you and your life hanging in the balance," of course. It didn't totally wake him up, though, because he could still walk, kind of.

That's our Joe. Last year: setting face on fire. This year: risking spinal injury. Next year: coma. FOR OUR AMUSEMENT.

Later, Ana got suited up for a spin around the rink:

And then the next day Katie bought a Kitten from the Kountry Store.


Joe and Matt running away might be the best part of the thing.

PS: My camera died right after I got back.

PPS: Katie got this great one of me practicing perfect gun safety after I executed a can of whipped cream:

PPPS: Katie sent a video of me shooting a jug of soda and then dancing. It's probably the best thing ever.

Friday, October 12, 2007

Novella Friday

Clean little narratives don't just create themselves, people. Sometimes you have to put things together and let enthalpy figure it out.


The other night we got home and there were a few signs that something was afoot:

1. There is a backpack that must belong to a dude.
2. There is an iPod.

What can be happening?!

Empty can of Schlitz malt liquor is happening.

Snoop on vinyl + Starbucks has been happening.

I totally figured it out at that point though because there's this dude that works at Starbucks that we know and I have this picture of him:

Evan: You're welcome.


All the anger and violence toward sea bugs from a couple days ago wasn't just for funs. It was for eating!

Ana made four sauces to make the notoriously dry, tasteless lobster meat come to life.

1. Cerrano pepper something sauce
2. Mango chutney something sauce
3. Roasted tomato something sauce
4. Cerrano pepper something sauce with mint (mint is gross to eat so she made two separate batches-one for people that like to eat gross things and one for people that don't)

Then we each ate the equivalent of two lobsters and passed out for six hours.



Punk has taken to sitting on this empty Budweiser case outside of PJ Winkleman's hovel. It gives her a more advantageous vantage point, what with the elevation and everything. She likes to sit there and stare at PJ or where she thinks PJ may be. I'm pretty sure Punk has gone blind, for serious.

Blind people walk toward shiny things, right? Like big flashes of light?

Anyway, so this morning I was at the store and the guy that works there was all, hey, you're early today, as if it's any of his business, but I was there like five hours earlier than normal and I wanted to say yeah, it's hard to keep sleeping when new cat is peeing on you, but I thought he wouldn't have understood and it probably would've been really depressing for him when all he was doing was being nice.

In other news, new cat almost used the litter box this afternoon.

I'll let you put the pieces together.

She's also not allowed in the bedroom for the time being.

In place of the bedroom, she's building a bomb shelter:

BONUSBONUSBONUS you're gonna get some more of this

and maybe a dash of this (Vegans with guns! Eep!)

come Monday. Git ready.