Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Filling in the Gaps

For some reason, I didn't post this picture of the ridiculous sirloin at Blue Duck Tavern last week. I'm pretty sure it's the best steak I've ever had.


+Jenny appropriately eulogizes the month of January, which is better known as the Month Without Achewood.

+When I was a kid, I wanted a pair of cowboy boots and a pickup truck. The boots part has come back with a vengeance. So I'm counting the days until I can spend way too much money on these.

Monday, January 26, 2009

More Ideas for Sunday Funday ++

After some discussion, Senior persuaded me that instead of Sunday Funday Whiskey and Gun Day III: The Dawn of the Eve of Destruction, we should completely bypass III and move directly on to IV. This way we could dramatically increase the storytelling ability, since nobody could reasonably argue that we were lying, since they obviously wouldn't have been there. In ten years, we'll be able to tell people that Joe blew his hand off in a pyrotechnics accident during III and he is now working with a bionic hand.

It also give a number of new naming choices, including my personal favorite, Sunday Funday Whiskey and Gun Day IV: Horsemen of the Gunpocalypse. I am even looking forward to everyone wearing a commemorative t-shirt, to fully geekify the weekend.

Please weigh in with your ideas about the design and/or slogan before I actually post it for sale.

While watching Death Wish 3 again a couple days ago, for the first time I thought I'd look into how much getting one of Bronson's amazing custom pistol would cost me. Since it's legal now and all.

While the price is prohibitive ($3k for a once-a-year, possibly homicide-inducing toy seems a bit much), if you have the means you might as well pick up the 18" barrel edition, complete with scope:

Also! My friend Jessica gives a shout. And I shout back. Hi!

Sunday, January 25, 2009

What if Michelle Obama Was My Girlfriend 2

Hey, Michelle. What? Okay, I'll call you Shelley if you really want me to. Anyway, I just wanted to say you look great today. Those people aren't kidding, girl. You are a fashion plate. Huh? Oh, that guy behind you is bothering you? Need me to take care of it? Just say the word.

Whatchu thinking about for dinner tonight? Someplace real special, I say. I can get us a table at Chez Francois.

Price of Fame + Ushering in a New Era of Opaqueness

When you author a blog that gets 40, 50 or even more visits every day, you're a pretty powerful person, which means that everybody is gonna want a piece of you. Or want you to put a piece of them on the internet. It's the price one must pay. Like this conversation I had with Mitch.

(Another part of being powerful and famous is that you have to censor things.)

Mitch: Sitting around reminiscing about the old apt complex with some friends

Me: Ah the redneck Melrose Place

Mitch: U forgot debauchery-laden

Me: Meh [redacted] didn't even [redacted] with all our friends

Mitch: [redacted][redacted] with [redacted] and [redacted][redacted]. then [redacted] [redacted] and [redacted] all [redacted].

Me: Oh yeah. Haha

Mitch: Looks like you and I are the only ones who didn't [redacted]

Me: As far as we remember haha

Mitch: Eww

Me: [redacted]

Mitch: Write about me!

Me: Like a biography?

Mitch: I was thinking blog. But biography might be yr ticket to big time

Me: True. I'd do this convo but I don't want everybody to know [redacted]

Mitch: Invent a convo. Or just tell them this one is a lie. HEY EVERYBODY - THESE ARE ALL LIES! There. I did it for you.

Me: But my sterling reputation! BTW iPhone auto correct gives "whitish" for "whorish"

Mitch: [redacted]

Me: [redacted] [redacted]

Saturday, January 24, 2009

Time to Move on to No-Knead Charcuterie

I've become comfortable enough with the easy recipe so I think it's time to move on. Here's the half-loaf I made today with some mediocre salami:

Next step: get better salami. Or at least get Eric to make me some.

Friday, January 23, 2009

Thursday, January 22, 2009

What if Michelle Obama Was My Girlfriend: A New Recurring Feature

Hey, girl. You feel like attending a formal dinner this evening? If not, I'm cool relaxing at home with the kids. Maybe watch a video after we put them to bed.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

LIVEBLOG! Service Industry People Whine About Being Tired From Doing Their Jobs!

TBs: That was a rough few days

Me: You're not joking. I'm exhausted.

TBs: I'm a zombie. I'm sore and have wounds all over my body.

Me: I got out of bed at five and was pissed

TBs: I drank so much Red Bull I'll be going for days

Me: I haven't been outside other than walking to work since Thursday

TBs: I haven't eaten a meal in days

Things I Learned from Inauguration Weekend

1. I am an asshole. Two people told me so! The second was last night, when I was admittedly near the end of my normally endless rope:

Int., a bar, 10 minutes til close. 50ish Man approaches.

50ish Man: (hoarsely.) I bought a round of beers for my friends before last call and now your doorman isn't letting them in.

Me: Yeah, we can't let anybody in after last call.

50ish Man: But I bought them beers.

Me: I understand. But I can't let them in.

50ish Man: But I bought them beers.

Me: Yes. But by that logic, you could by 50 beers and invite your friends over at 5am to help you finish them off.

50ish Man: So there's no middle ground here?

Me: Sorry, no.

50ish Man walks back to his table. Two minutes pass.

50ish Man walks to the bar with four beers.

50ish Man: I'm not paying for these beers. You can call the cops.

Me: OK.

50ish Man: I'm not paying for them.

Me: Sounds good.

50ish Man walks back to his table, sits down.

50ish Man: (yelling.) Fuck you, asshole!

Me: OK.

50ish Man: (tantruming.) I've been coming to this bar since 1986!

Me: That's fascinating, since it wasn't established until six years later.

50ish Man: You're an asshole!

Me: OK. Oh, and also, you get to leave now.


Tuesday, January 20, 2009


Mr. Potter: Look at you. You used to be so cocky. You were going to go out and conquer the world. You once called me "a warped, frustrated, old man!" What are you but a warped, frustrated young man? A miserable little clerk crawling in here on your hands and knees and begging for help. No securities, no stocks, no bonds. Nothin' but a miserable little $500 equity in a life insurance policy.

[Potter chuckles]

My Inauguration Experience

I was going to go down to the mall for the inauguration, if only to see the crowd, but when I woke up at 11 and checked online, it seemed that they had shut the place down. So instead of wandering around while Obama spoke, I sat on the couch and watched it on TV like a good American. And then I ordered a pizza.

But yesterday on my walk to work I got about as close to the capitol as the majority of the people did today. If you maximize this photo and squint, you can almost see it!

Then later, a bunch of women were taking pictures with a cardboard cutout of Obama.

I might venture down to the parade in an hour or so. Then back to the gulag work.

UPDATE: This parade of hippies just went by my house. They are law-abiding hippies, though, as you can see when they allow the ambulance to pass. I really wish I could hear the things their cop escort is saying.

Saturday, January 17, 2009

Tourists Order Things They Don't Even Want

Int., a bar. Girl approaches.

Girl: Can I have a Sam Adams?

Me: Sorry, we don't carry Sam Adams.

Girl: Can you recommend something else?

Me: Like Sam Adams?

Girl: No, I don't like Sam Adams.

Me: Why did you order it?

Girl: I'm from out of town.


Friday, January 16, 2009

Friday Game Time

This is a game I call "Choose the Person Wearing the Disguise." It is also a semi-ripoff of the over-conceived new ad campaign for Gatorade.

Monday, January 12, 2009

McGillmas Obsvd: Lasertag Edition

Since Joe shares a birthday with our Lord and Savior, we generally wait until after the holidays to observe it once everything is digested. This year, it was LaserTag in Virginia, somewhere.

Joe somehow finds a dragon/medieval-themed LaserTag joint. He likes those kinds of things.

In our party room, along with snacks and soda pop, the LaserTag people had included a real downer magazine display.

The signage at ShadowLandsLaserTagFamilyFunCentre was choice, and included a place where you can Create-A-Friend:

and get briefed

It also requires its attendees to come up with an alias. Ana: CHALUPA OF PAIN


In between rounds, old people tend to stand around and play skee-ball in silence.

Then later, Laura says she likes my blog. PANDERTIME

Saturday, January 10, 2009

New Shock: POTUS-Elect Tips Well

Ben's Chili Bowl has modified its Bill-Cosby-Is-The-Only-Person-Who-Eats-Free-Here policy to include the Obama family, but when he visited today he handed the cashier $20 for his $12 meal.

"No thanks," he said. "We're straight." *Sigh*

Also, bread is very messy to prepare, but delicious:

Friday, January 9, 2009

I Blanched Something

TWO straight days at the gym makes a body want some green beans.

It doesn't make one crazy, though: toss those bad boys in some sherry vinegar garlic butter reduction and enjoy. Oh, and forget to snap then ends off.

Tomorrow I'll be continuing my path to baking greatness with the NYT's no-knead bread. Also, dough is gross.

Thursday, January 8, 2009

Humans Shockingly Consistent + For Better or For Horrible Briefly Nondormant

If I were a more fastidious blogger, I'd search for this same article from 1996 in Atlanta and 2002 in Salt Lake City. But I'm not, so.

New For Better or for Horrible up!

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Child Cooking Proves Something About Portland, + Sorry Arlington!

From a 5-year-old's Portland public access cooking show.

Also, for those of you who either thought you would be driving (or biking!) from Arlington to the Inauguration--or anything--in DC on Jan. 20, tough luck! Better hire a limo.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Motivational Poster Generator +++

This is a worthwhile endeavor, as is evidenced by this gallery of Hunter S. Thompson motivational posters, and this little number:

Also, sister responds to my exposé of her top-secret pin-making organization:

Sister: Chances are good that I will be driving to Warshington tonight to swiftly kill you for betraying the secret of Friendship Pins, Incorporated.

Sister: That Las Vegas mention was really a nice touch of formality and authority.

Sister: Hope the kitty DJing is going awesomely!!

Me: I'm DJing from my phone while texting you. FUTURE

Sister: Good, cuz I'm dressed up like Penny from Inspector Gadget and am currently transmitting from my Computer Book!!!


PLUS look at me wearing headphones connected to nothing

Monday, January 5, 2009


I will bet that you didn't know that I was a member of a top secret organization WHEN I WAS NINE. Lookit.

I wonder: was I in two clubs named Cobras? Or were the NGA Cobras (No Girls Allowed, natch) different from the regular Cobras, in which girls were allowed? Also, which club gave me the rank of "warrior?" I bet it was "Asp." Only a club cool enough to remain singular would have warriors.

Bonus club information: my sister had a top secret Friendship Pin club. In which two people made friendship pins and sold them. Secretly.

Please notice that this top-secret enterprise was linked to the Detective Agency of Las Vegas in the USA.

In no order. 20 songs of about 100.

Sunday, January 4, 2009

Phlogging on the Ones and Twos

I'll be playing music in the Red Room at Black Cat Monday starting at 8pm if'n you want to come by. No requests, marginally good music, likely played from my phone. How can one pass? (Hint: I will likely be the first person to ever play Travis Tritt's "Modern Day Bonnie and Clyde" in the Black Cat.)

Filler: Graphics

While cleaning the computer, I came across this gem that I made for some reason:

And yesterday I made this one of Dean Venture which I may or may not turn into a t-shirt:

Friday, January 2, 2009

People Who Say Selling Out is a Bad Thing Don't Have Senses of Humor

This will likely stop being funny within a month, but as of now I'm on board:

DYIR:PIWET (DeffoTotes Year In Review: Places I Went Edition) + Blay vol. IV: NYE Edition

1. LA + Environs
2. Harper's Ferry, WV
3. Richmond, VA
4. KY, TN, LA, TX
5. Vegas
6. Ocean City, MD
7. Cleveland, OH
8. Atlanta, GA

Blay, vol. IV: Liquid Courage/Dry Humor

Int., a bar. Closing time. A 20-something kid is slow to leave.

Boss approaches Kid, pats him on shoulder.

Boss: OK, man, finish up. We're closing.
Kid: Who the fuck are you!? Don't put your fucking hands on me!

Boss is momentarily surprised and doesn't respond.

Emp. #1: (to Kid) Dude, that's the owner. You might want to relax.
Kid: (to Boss) You better keep your hands off me!
Boss: (to Kid) All right, that's enough. Time to go.
Kid: I can't wait until this shitty bar fails and I can buy it myself.
Boss: OK.
Kid: How much did you pay for it? (Fumbles in his pockets, begins pulling out crumpled dollar bills, ultimately putting $14 on the bar.) I'll buy it from you tenfold!
Boss: Have a great night.
Kid: You know what's wrong with this country? Huh? NOBODY CARES ABOUT MATH ANYMORE.
Boss: Ok. Have a great night.
Kid: YOU have a great night! YOU have a great night!
Emp. #2: (Walking past Kid.) You're a night.