Pictures, Explained

Rather than create a narrative about five days in California and Oregon, which would require comprehension of time and space, I'd rather just comment on some pictures.

First, following in the first rule of American salesmanship, this guy yells obscenities at passersby, then sells them tea, further proving that people love being belittled, all the while justifying my personal work philosophy.


If every restaurant and bar in the world served some version of roasted bone marrow, it would be fine with me. This particular version is from Alembic, has capers and some other stuff, and was served to us by a very sad and weeded bartender who had to make lots of deconstructed Mint Juleps for tourists. He was particularly bummed about the fact that he was still waiting for his grenadine to cool, which is a problem I will likely never encounter.


The trip incorporated about 1200 miles of driving from San Francisco to Eugene, OR and back, a trip which gave me some form of back cancer that makes me walk like a comical old man. Ana and Amy find that HILARIOUS.


Somewhere in San Francisco, somebody's idea of a treasure chest is an oversized plastic container covered in affirmations.


Meanwhile, in Myrtle Creek, OR, the Dairy Queen has a cheeseburger eating competition that started in 2003 and seems to have reached its pinnacle on May 3, 2008, when dudes named Ammon and Tony ate 14 1/2 and 16 cheeseburgers, respectively.

The rules for the contest, which were on another unpictured sign, read something like this: "The cheeseburger contest rules: Eat more than the guy who came before you. Ask employees for details." We didn't ask, but I'm pretty sure the details would include them telling us that we needed to eat more than 16 cheeseburgers. I had a Blizzard instead.


In Eugene, restaurants have signs that tell you that you're entering a "Hate-Free Zone." Lucky for us they didn't do a hate search, cuz they would've probably kicked us out. Also, the picture of George Bush in the bathroom seemed to be covered in hate. Hippies have never been sticklers for consistency.


Here's a picture of Myrtle Creek.

Road Trip USA Redux: Picturetimez

Look! It's two dudes with beards.


And a dog. The dog was bummed because he had to sit in the back.


People have lots of opinions about West Virginia. Two of them are right. 1) It is beautiful


And 2) terrifying. This is an abandoned gas station with an abandoned semi on blocks. If we had seen this at night I would likely have been murdered.


Before going to the Tri-State Dog Track and Slot Emporium, we had Arby's.


In Kentucky, the sandwich shop was selling Pickle Pops, with aren't pops at all but rather plastic ramekins filled with frozen pickle juice. We bought two and they were not refreshing.


You know what is refreshing? Buying 9 bottles of bourbon.


And then the proprietor gives you two pints of your favorite "for the road." Now that's a responsible liquor purveyor!


Soon after that we see Dinosaur World, which is impossible to not stop at.


Next door to Dinosaur World, of course, is a fireworks store where Teebz buys lots of illegal mortars and the like.

There are lots of videos of us shooting them off, but I'll just give you the one for now. (Hint: If you don't have the sound on it's going to be even more boring than it is already.)

Then we walked down the road acting all innocent and around the corner we find this big jail which explains why there were cops everywhere.


The next day we went to Graceland. I have sworn to recreate the TV room when I get the money. No fake. The bar is yellow vinyl.


Then in a Mississippi rest stop: the first of two great bathroom photos:


The cup says "SOAP please do not dump out the dispenser is broke"

New Orleans on a random Tuesday night: hot as hell and people trying to act like it's Mardi Gras. Bummer.

Recommendation: find 24-hour bar playing Death Wish 3. Take a picture of its bathroom.



In Austin, it was time for Roadtoo. Specifically, bald eagle carrying booze and fireworks.



After staying in Motel 6es for four nights, we noticed that the skier/boxer on the comforter has an arm that looks suspiciously like a red rocket. I'm guessing that life as a designer for Motel 6 bedspreads yields little excitement.

Road Trip USA Over; Dispatches Collated

Sunday, June 1, 2008 9:18am -- On our way. Might have just broken Teebz' car on a curb tho so this might be a short trip.

Sunday, June 1, 2008 10:40 AM -- Teebz' mom packed us egg salad and bologna and cheese sandwiches, and rice crispy treats. Moms rule.

Sunday, June 1, 2008 3:36 PM -- Time has passed and my neck hurts, so I'm guessing that I just slept through much of Virginia. Up next: Roanoke. FINALLY.

Sunday, June 1, 2008 7:55 PM -- In WV, bypassed a place called 'biscuit world' against my better judgement. Hoping it won't come back to haunt me.

Sunday, June 1, 2008 11:52 PM -- While playing nickel slots at the tri-state dog track, Teebz comments that it is depressing.

Monday, June 2, 2008 10:57 AM -- Discussing what Roadtoos we should get. Some pretty choice shops in KY.

Monday, June 2, 2008 11:12 AM -- Within a mile we just passed an airport named after a horse, a castle under construction, and a Christian radio station.

Monday, June 2, 2008 12:56 PM -- Just purchased 8 bottles of bourbon, further complicating the seating situation.

Monday, June 2, 2008 3:10 PM -- Stops at Dinosaur World and fireworks shop were, unsurprisingly, massively successful.

Monday, June 2, 2008 4:44 PM-- Teebz' dog (Dignan) just leaned out the window and shot off a roman candle.

Monday, June 2, 2008 7:18 PM -- Stopping to eat at Lone Star Steakhouse in TN. Because Teebz is moving to Texas and dudes eat at steakhouses.

Tuesday, June 3 1:06 PM -- I want to live in Graceland. This place is amazing.

Tuesday, June 3 2:27 PM -- Been in Mississippi for fifteen minutes and not a single burning cross. Hollywood stereotypes crushed.

Tuesday, June 3 3:12 PM -- The green mileage signs on the side of the highway are full of towns that I have no desire to visit. Sorry, Mississippi.

Tuesday, June 3 4:52 PM -- Retract the last one. I wouldn't mind hanging in Yazoo City for a minute.

Tuesday, June 3 6:05 PM -- Just tipped 19% for dinner at Chili's, which for me is like flicking the server off and burning the place down.

Tuesday, June 3 6:17 PM -- To clarify, it's because me and Teebz are both ex-chiliheads. And my Big Mouth Burger had mayo on both sides.

Tuesday, June 3 9:29 PM -- Proven fact: Louisiana has more bugs per capita (BPC) than any other state.

Wednesday, June 4 5:26 PM -- So far everything in Texas is regular-sized. What does this mean? That Texans are liars.

Wednesday, June 4 9:42 PM -- Arrived in Austin. Checking in to our fourth Motel 6 because it always keeps its promises. And shirtless dudes hanging.

Wednesday, June 4 2:51 AM -- Watching a crossover episode of Wings/Cheers that I never knew existed. Norm and Cliff drinkin at Sandpiper Air!

Thursday, June 5 2:20 PM -- Preparing to get roadtoos.

Thursday, June 5 5:17 PM -- Sign of successful road trip is when you get a tattoo of an eagle holding a bottle of booze and a stick of dynamite.

Last One Before the Road

On Thursday night my back got all rude and decided to start seizing uncontrollably. It was pretty awesome for the next twenty-four hours, until my friend at work provided me with some synthesized opiate or another, so I could walk semi-normally. I say all this to let everyone know that I may or may not be addicted to prescription drugs by the time I get back on Thursday.


I'll be sending random posts from the road, so get excited. Unfortch there won't be any pictures until I get back, though, cuz mophlogging doesn't exist yet. Only moblogging. It's like the stone age.

Two Reviews in One Day OMG ICBITIFA

In his review of this phlog, Patrick asked for more reviews of things he'd like to eat. Two months later, I get around to it.

Behold something I'm betting Patrick likes to eat Vol. 1:

STAR CRUNCH

Star Crunch, for the sad and pathetic among you who don't know, is a Little Debbie product consisting of the following, probably: chocolate, caramel, rice crispies, soy lecithin.

First off, the packaging:

1. The shit is 35 cents. Can't beat it.
2. Star Crunch is not a meal, people. It is a snack.
3. Since there is nothing star-related in the snack itself--it would be more aptly named ChocoCrispyCrunch, in my opinion--Little Debbie had to add some star bursts to justify calling it Star Crunch. Which is cool with me.

Now the product:

The delicious center is chocolatey and gooey, true, but the true joy of eating a Star Crunch is in the anticipation. See it is imperative that one nibble off the outer coating of rice crispies--which are lightly coated in chocolate and really don't have much taste or texture and aren't very rewarding at all as far as snacks are concerned--before taking a full bite. Withholding that immediate sensory pleasure makes the experience that much more rewarding. Believe it.

In other news here's the tentative route for Road Trip USA, set to leave June 1:


View Larger Map

So here's your job, people. Give us places to visit in the following cities:

1. Pittsburgh
2. Columbus, OH
3. Cincinnati
4. Louisville
5. Bowling Green, KY
6. Nashville
7. Memphis (aside from the obvious)
8. Jackson, MS
9. Baton Rouge, LA
10. Houston

PS: ICBITIFA = I Can't Believe It This Is Fucking Awesome

Revisión del Concierto: Las Llaves del Negro

DC has a particular concert culture. People who have no interest in going to shows buy up dozens of tickets when they go on sale in order to scalp them at huge markups. This leads to the second thing, which is that the concerts are full of boring people who talk incessantly and barely look like they're enjoying the thing they paid $125 to see.

So I love things like last night, when I looked on Craigslist at about 5pm and saw that the price of the night's Black Keys concert had dropped to below face value.

The show was good, and they played "Strange Times" which was nice to hear before the jukebox at work kills it for me forever. Which it will. Just like Johnny Cash and Gnarls Barkley. I'd say Regina Spektor too, but she was dead to me before the jukebox entered the equation. Play "Fidelity" while I'm on the clock and you're losing your money, people. Sorries. That song can suck it.

Back to the review. Please reference the diagram:

1. Drummer

2. Guitarist

3. This group of dudes in their mid-thirties or early forties, one of whom was wearing a "Do the Roo" shirt.

I'll only expand on number three, because reviews of one and two can be found in lots of places, but reviews of number three cannot. This group of dudes was happy to be there. So much so that they were making awesome hand gestures at particular points in the show. Say there's a really good riff in a song; in that case, at least two of the dudes will throw up their hands like so:



In the case of a sweet drumline, hands would again be thrown. But like this:

At first glance this group of dudes appeared to be lame. But eventually we decided that we all wanted to party with them in Loudon County which is the only possible place these dudes were from.

A funny thing about this show is that everybody there got drunk at exactly the same time. It was about 10:45. People started falling into me on their way to the bar. This dude especially though--he almost knocked me over and then stood right in front of me. So I took a picture of his bald spot, natch.




Come to Teebz' going-away party if you know him. We'll be taking the old West Virginia-Louisville-Memphis-New Orleans-Austin route.


I just clicked on the "Blogs" tab on MySpace and found the two most amazing blogs in the world. The first is called "I Believe in God" and is full of capital letters and great renaissance-related religious artwork. In the words of its author, it is dedicated wholly to finding "how many people we can reach in MySpace that believes in God." Yes.

But that's not all! The next one discusses how God exists. BECAUSE OF SCIENCE.

Richmond: Baltimore of the South

We've been to Baltimore a million times in the past couple years, but never Richmond. Why? Because it's the capital of the South? No, the South rules. Because it's further away? Nobody cares about things like distance or time. It just boils down to laziness, people. We've been too lazy to give Richmond a chance. Those days are over.

On the way to Richmond or anywhere chances are you're going to want to stop and Dunkin' Donuts. This particular one that we went to not only didn't have any donuts, it didn't let us tip its employees:


Damn shame. Sorry, Quantico-area Dunkin' Donuts employees.

Anyway. You know when you have an idea in your head of what a place will be and then it doesn't live up to that mental picture? Richmond is not that place. Richmond is exactly like I thought it would be. Or at least the hotel was:



When the hotel calls for it, sometimes a murder has to happen. Plus, Joe is super accident-prone so it's easy to call it an accident.


Right across the street was this CBS Station which says it's the South's First Television Station. Which it probably is. But none of the lights in the sign work.


Then we went to dinner at a surprisingly good seafood restaurant where Ana ate a fish like Heathcliff the Cat:


Later, it got scary cuz it turns out Katie is a zombie changeling


and we just had to act like everything was normal


Also in Richmond it is compulsory to smoke cigarettes.


Also this is where this one girl started following us around.


I mean this is the next day and she's wearing the same clothes. You'd think she'd have the decency to change.


Travel Tip: If you're ever in Richmond and you need some flour or a notion, you know where to go:


This car had three kegs of beer in the back.


Before the zombie Katie got tattooed we went to the cemetery because Joe says there are some great names there. P. Lightfoot Wormeley says he is right:


As do Mary B. Strange and B. Gay Strange.


The only problem for me was that I found out that I'm dead.



Get a load of these two drunks dancing outside the bar! Omg. The girl had barfed inside earlier.

Feather Your Bangs!

Wednesday was full of driving to Philadelphia to see Tim and Eric: Awesome Show: The Live Show at some bar with Evan and Dana. When four nerds drive somewhere to see a show performed by nerds, the only real way to do it is in a shared hybrid vehicle.


I wish you could see the overwhelming nerddom that filled the place while we waited in line, but it would've taken some sort of special camera, while all I had was my phone. So here's me.


Also, this is true:


The show was pretty good, even though it was like watching an episode of the Wiggles with a bunch of seven year olds. I swear to god it was like the nerds had Tim and Eric-brand Tourettes. Non sequitur quotes from the show were shouted at almost every quiet moment.

DJ Dogg Pound is really funny.


Here is when they first came out in these really gross naked costumes with enormous balls.



Later we went to Waffle House because it was there. Shocking: waitress was clearly speeding and fucked up every order. Not Shocking: it was still delicious.


The video below is enough justification for the show. It's perfect.