Road Trip USA Redux: Picturetimez

Look! It's two dudes with beards.


And a dog. The dog was bummed because he had to sit in the back.


People have lots of opinions about West Virginia. Two of them are right. 1) It is beautiful


And 2) terrifying. This is an abandoned gas station with an abandoned semi on blocks. If we had seen this at night I would likely have been murdered.


Before going to the Tri-State Dog Track and Slot Emporium, we had Arby's.


In Kentucky, the sandwich shop was selling Pickle Pops, with aren't pops at all but rather plastic ramekins filled with frozen pickle juice. We bought two and they were not refreshing.


You know what is refreshing? Buying 9 bottles of bourbon.


And then the proprietor gives you two pints of your favorite "for the road." Now that's a responsible liquor purveyor!


Soon after that we see Dinosaur World, which is impossible to not stop at.


Next door to Dinosaur World, of course, is a fireworks store where Teebz buys lots of illegal mortars and the like.

There are lots of videos of us shooting them off, but I'll just give you the one for now. (Hint: If you don't have the sound on it's going to be even more boring than it is already.)

Then we walked down the road acting all innocent and around the corner we find this big jail which explains why there were cops everywhere.


The next day we went to Graceland. I have sworn to recreate the TV room when I get the money. No fake. The bar is yellow vinyl.


Then in a Mississippi rest stop: the first of two great bathroom photos:


The cup says "SOAP please do not dump out the dispenser is broke"

New Orleans on a random Tuesday night: hot as hell and people trying to act like it's Mardi Gras. Bummer.

Recommendation: find 24-hour bar playing Death Wish 3. Take a picture of its bathroom.



In Austin, it was time for Roadtoo. Specifically, bald eagle carrying booze and fireworks.



After staying in Motel 6es for four nights, we noticed that the skier/boxer on the comforter has an arm that looks suspiciously like a red rocket. I'm guessing that life as a designer for Motel 6 bedspreads yields little excitement.

Road Trip USA Over; Dispatches Collated

Sunday, June 1, 2008 9:18am -- On our way. Might have just broken Teebz' car on a curb tho so this might be a short trip.

Sunday, June 1, 2008 10:40 AM -- Teebz' mom packed us egg salad and bologna and cheese sandwiches, and rice crispy treats. Moms rule.

Sunday, June 1, 2008 3:36 PM -- Time has passed and my neck hurts, so I'm guessing that I just slept through much of Virginia. Up next: Roanoke. FINALLY.

Sunday, June 1, 2008 7:55 PM -- In WV, bypassed a place called 'biscuit world' against my better judgement. Hoping it won't come back to haunt me.

Sunday, June 1, 2008 11:52 PM -- While playing nickel slots at the tri-state dog track, Teebz comments that it is depressing.

Monday, June 2, 2008 10:57 AM -- Discussing what Roadtoos we should get. Some pretty choice shops in KY.

Monday, June 2, 2008 11:12 AM -- Within a mile we just passed an airport named after a horse, a castle under construction, and a Christian radio station.

Monday, June 2, 2008 12:56 PM -- Just purchased 8 bottles of bourbon, further complicating the seating situation.

Monday, June 2, 2008 3:10 PM -- Stops at Dinosaur World and fireworks shop were, unsurprisingly, massively successful.

Monday, June 2, 2008 4:44 PM-- Teebz' dog (Dignan) just leaned out the window and shot off a roman candle.

Monday, June 2, 2008 7:18 PM -- Stopping to eat at Lone Star Steakhouse in TN. Because Teebz is moving to Texas and dudes eat at steakhouses.

Tuesday, June 3 1:06 PM -- I want to live in Graceland. This place is amazing.

Tuesday, June 3 2:27 PM -- Been in Mississippi for fifteen minutes and not a single burning cross. Hollywood stereotypes crushed.

Tuesday, June 3 3:12 PM -- The green mileage signs on the side of the highway are full of towns that I have no desire to visit. Sorry, Mississippi.

Tuesday, June 3 4:52 PM -- Retract the last one. I wouldn't mind hanging in Yazoo City for a minute.

Tuesday, June 3 6:05 PM -- Just tipped 19% for dinner at Chili's, which for me is like flicking the server off and burning the place down.

Tuesday, June 3 6:17 PM -- To clarify, it's because me and Teebz are both ex-chiliheads. And my Big Mouth Burger had mayo on both sides.

Tuesday, June 3 9:29 PM -- Proven fact: Louisiana has more bugs per capita (BPC) than any other state.

Wednesday, June 4 5:26 PM -- So far everything in Texas is regular-sized. What does this mean? That Texans are liars.

Wednesday, June 4 9:42 PM -- Arrived in Austin. Checking in to our fourth Motel 6 because it always keeps its promises. And shirtless dudes hanging.

Wednesday, June 4 2:51 AM -- Watching a crossover episode of Wings/Cheers that I never knew existed. Norm and Cliff drinkin at Sandpiper Air!

Thursday, June 5 2:20 PM -- Preparing to get roadtoos.

Thursday, June 5 5:17 PM -- Sign of successful road trip is when you get a tattoo of an eagle holding a bottle of booze and a stick of dynamite.

Last One Before the Road

On Thursday night my back got all rude and decided to start seizing uncontrollably. It was pretty awesome for the next twenty-four hours, until my friend at work provided me with some synthesized opiate or another, so I could walk semi-normally. I say all this to let everyone know that I may or may not be addicted to prescription drugs by the time I get back on Thursday.


I'll be sending random posts from the road, so get excited. Unfortch there won't be any pictures until I get back, though, cuz mophlogging doesn't exist yet. Only moblogging. It's like the stone age.

Two Reviews in One Day OMG ICBITIFA

In his review of this phlog, Patrick asked for more reviews of things he'd like to eat. Two months later, I get around to it.

Behold something I'm betting Patrick likes to eat Vol. 1:

STAR CRUNCH

Star Crunch, for the sad and pathetic among you who don't know, is a Little Debbie product consisting of the following, probably: chocolate, caramel, rice crispies, soy lecithin.

First off, the packaging:

1. The shit is 35 cents. Can't beat it.
2. Star Crunch is not a meal, people. It is a snack.
3. Since there is nothing star-related in the snack itself--it would be more aptly named ChocoCrispyCrunch, in my opinion--Little Debbie had to add some star bursts to justify calling it Star Crunch. Which is cool with me.

Now the product:

The delicious center is chocolatey and gooey, true, but the true joy of eating a Star Crunch is in the anticipation. See it is imperative that one nibble off the outer coating of rice crispies--which are lightly coated in chocolate and really don't have much taste or texture and aren't very rewarding at all as far as snacks are concerned--before taking a full bite. Withholding that immediate sensory pleasure makes the experience that much more rewarding. Believe it.

In other news here's the tentative route for Road Trip USA, set to leave June 1:


View Larger Map

So here's your job, people. Give us places to visit in the following cities:

1. Pittsburgh
2. Columbus, OH
3. Cincinnati
4. Louisville
5. Bowling Green, KY
6. Nashville
7. Memphis (aside from the obvious)
8. Jackson, MS
9. Baton Rouge, LA
10. Houston

PS: ICBITIFA = I Can't Believe It This Is Fucking Awesome

Revisión del Concierto: Las Llaves del Negro

DC has a particular concert culture. People who have no interest in going to shows buy up dozens of tickets when they go on sale in order to scalp them at huge markups. This leads to the second thing, which is that the concerts are full of boring people who talk incessantly and barely look like they're enjoying the thing they paid $125 to see.

So I love things like last night, when I looked on Craigslist at about 5pm and saw that the price of the night's Black Keys concert had dropped to below face value.

The show was good, and they played "Strange Times" which was nice to hear before the jukebox at work kills it for me forever. Which it will. Just like Johnny Cash and Gnarls Barkley. I'd say Regina Spektor too, but she was dead to me before the jukebox entered the equation. Play "Fidelity" while I'm on the clock and you're losing your money, people. Sorries. That song can suck it.

Back to the review. Please reference the diagram:

1. Drummer

2. Guitarist

3. This group of dudes in their mid-thirties or early forties, one of whom was wearing a "Do the Roo" shirt.

I'll only expand on number three, because reviews of one and two can be found in lots of places, but reviews of number three cannot. This group of dudes was happy to be there. So much so that they were making awesome hand gestures at particular points in the show. Say there's a really good riff in a song; in that case, at least two of the dudes will throw up their hands like so:



In the case of a sweet drumline, hands would again be thrown. But like this:

At first glance this group of dudes appeared to be lame. But eventually we decided that we all wanted to party with them in Loudon County which is the only possible place these dudes were from.

A funny thing about this show is that everybody there got drunk at exactly the same time. It was about 10:45. People started falling into me on their way to the bar. This dude especially though--he almost knocked me over and then stood right in front of me. So I took a picture of his bald spot, natch.




Come to Teebz' going-away party if you know him. We'll be taking the old West Virginia-Louisville-Memphis-New Orleans-Austin route.


I just clicked on the "Blogs" tab on MySpace and found the two most amazing blogs in the world. The first is called "I Believe in God" and is full of capital letters and great renaissance-related religious artwork. In the words of its author, it is dedicated wholly to finding "how many people we can reach in MySpace that believes in God." Yes.

But that's not all! The next one discusses how God exists. BECAUSE OF SCIENCE.

Richmond: Baltimore of the South

We've been to Baltimore a million times in the past couple years, but never Richmond. Why? Because it's the capital of the South? No, the South rules. Because it's further away? Nobody cares about things like distance or time. It just boils down to laziness, people. We've been too lazy to give Richmond a chance. Those days are over.

On the way to Richmond or anywhere chances are you're going to want to stop and Dunkin' Donuts. This particular one that we went to not only didn't have any donuts, it didn't let us tip its employees:


Damn shame. Sorry, Quantico-area Dunkin' Donuts employees.

Anyway. You know when you have an idea in your head of what a place will be and then it doesn't live up to that mental picture? Richmond is not that place. Richmond is exactly like I thought it would be. Or at least the hotel was:



When the hotel calls for it, sometimes a murder has to happen. Plus, Joe is super accident-prone so it's easy to call it an accident.


Right across the street was this CBS Station which says it's the South's First Television Station. Which it probably is. But none of the lights in the sign work.


Then we went to dinner at a surprisingly good seafood restaurant where Ana ate a fish like Heathcliff the Cat:


Later, it got scary cuz it turns out Katie is a zombie changeling


and we just had to act like everything was normal


Also in Richmond it is compulsory to smoke cigarettes.


Also this is where this one girl started following us around.


I mean this is the next day and she's wearing the same clothes. You'd think she'd have the decency to change.


Travel Tip: If you're ever in Richmond and you need some flour or a notion, you know where to go:


This car had three kegs of beer in the back.


Before the zombie Katie got tattooed we went to the cemetery because Joe says there are some great names there. P. Lightfoot Wormeley says he is right:


As do Mary B. Strange and B. Gay Strange.


The only problem for me was that I found out that I'm dead.



Get a load of these two drunks dancing outside the bar! Omg. The girl had barfed inside earlier.

Feather Your Bangs!

Wednesday was full of driving to Philadelphia to see Tim and Eric: Awesome Show: The Live Show at some bar with Evan and Dana. When four nerds drive somewhere to see a show performed by nerds, the only real way to do it is in a shared hybrid vehicle.


I wish you could see the overwhelming nerddom that filled the place while we waited in line, but it would've taken some sort of special camera, while all I had was my phone. So here's me.


Also, this is true:


The show was pretty good, even though it was like watching an episode of the Wiggles with a bunch of seven year olds. I swear to god it was like the nerds had Tim and Eric-brand Tourettes. Non sequitur quotes from the show were shouted at almost every quiet moment.

DJ Dogg Pound is really funny.


Here is when they first came out in these really gross naked costumes with enormous balls.



Later we went to Waffle House because it was there. Shocking: waitress was clearly speeding and fucked up every order. Not Shocking: it was still delicious.


The video below is enough justification for the show. It's perfect.

More Adventures In Adulthood

Look who got her first credit card!


In other news, a couple of big phlogportunities coming up this week: visiting with Jill & Tyler at their Harper's Ferry World of Wonder (my name) and movingtime!

BIG BUCK HUNT ROAD TRIP USA

So Teebz got the ol' insurance settlement, which means that I'm likely gonna schlep him across North America in the near future. We've decided that the route we're going to take is entirely dependent on where we can find Big Buck Hunter Pro^© games.

Git m'gun, maw!

BONUS Apparently FHM has done a lot of the work for us, with their Big Buck Hunter map mashup. Thanks, FHM!

Photo Essay #12b: 72 Hours Cont.

Where were we? Oh, yes.

Las Vegas likes to give their hotel hallways an hallucinogenic quality.

Which is good, because they also put TVs in the BATHROOM MIRRORS so you can watch RACHEL RAY interview MONTEL WILLIAMS about his ALL-CONSUMING GENEROSITY and other good qualities, all while taking a shower. (!!)


Ah, the world-famous Flamin,O pool. What better time to put on your ski suit and catch some rays?


Next up: fancy dinner! Our friends who were supposed to get married didn't get married, so instead we had a group dinner. I figure it's an even trade. So we hop on over to Thomas Keller's Bouchon in the Venetian, which unlike the real Venice has free public bathrooms with conditioned air!:



Hmm... What to eat? Ah! Cured meats! Ah! A cured meat named baby Jesus! Sounds delicious! Two orders, please!


What's that, Abbe? You've decided to sneakily pay for the entire meal behind our backs, like some sort of generous traitor? Huh? Is that what you're going to do? HUH? IS IT?


Ah, Venice.


GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THERE ARE DISFIGURED OPERA SINGERS OUTSIDE


TBC again.

Photo Essay #12a: 72 Hours of OMG, This Rules Pt. 1

Itinerary:

5:00am Get off work
5:00am Get in cab
6:30am Get on plane: What do you do on your 72 hour jaunt to Vegas/LA? You upgrade, y'all. Fine imitation leather. Free 8am cocktails. SEMI-PRIVATE BATHROOM.

11:00am Arrive in Vegas
11:30am Get in car, stop for refreshments: This is what America is about. German-engineered droptops, Mexican-bottled soda pop.


While we're here, let's gamble that dollar that Joe asked us to gamble. This machine will pay him $10,000, it seems:

Nope, lost.

5:00pm Arrive in LA. Drive to what they call "The Valley" to meet Martina at her cousin's house. You may remember it from Clueless, when Cher laments having to drive there. Everyone in the valley must have a jacuzzi, just like this one:


X:00a/pm: Eat In-N-Out Burger.


7:00pm: Arrive in North Hollywood at Martina's apartment. She lives in Melrose Place.


9:00pm: Convene first-ever meeting of Beta Happa Westilon, the Big Hunt West Coast Alumni Association.

Party.

Mon, 11:00am: Visit Hollywood Boulevard to pay tribute to your (and presumably everyone's) inspiration: the incomparable star of Bedknobs and Broomsticks, Ms. Angela Lansbury.


6:00pm: Get back in car to make way back to Vegas.


11:00pm: Arrive in Vegas, Check in at hotel. Those in the know call it the "Flamin, O."

TBC, people.

Preview of Coming Attractions

So we're leaving for Vegas on Sunday morning, a trip which will include driving to LA for the day in a rented convertible. Be expecting a photo essay with some of the following:

Here I am with the Vegas sign that you only see if you are in the movies.


I LOVE GAMBLING!


I will likely also become a gold-record winning Elvis impersonator.

Photo Essay #10: Twenty-Four Hours in Ocean City

Our boss, who is the ruliest, offered to let us stay in his condo in Ocean City this weekend.


Because our weekend consisted of the hours between 10pm Sunday and 11am Tuesday, we decided to just make it a quick day trip. It's easy to have fun in Ocean City, even in the off-season. First, when you get there really late, crack open a couple cold brews, put them in your coozies, and watch some tube:


Next, it's imperative that you take advantage of your time--it's limited! So put those vacation guides to good use. Choose your restaurant by its name, and its name only. Of these, the contest is close; Tequila Mockingbird would be great on a hot day, but since it was a little chilly it seemed that Shenanigan's was the way to go. Nothing like some Shenanigans to keep a body warm, right? Right!!


Woo! The Boardwalk! They have a huge arch to let you know that this is indeed The Boardwalk:


DAMN IT DAMN IT DAMN IT WE MISSED SENIOR WEEK


Maryland likes suicidal hot dog sculptures. This one is out of ketchup. It's not really a hot dog without ketchup, though, so this one is safe for now.


Ooh! Ocean City is educational! Thomas Kinkade has purpose!


Ocean City has dwellings for all species. This is the most expensive dog house in the world.


I CALL BULLSHIT, FUNCADE CASINO. How can you not be open? What are the Russian seasonal workers supposed to do before the high season starts? There's only so many whipits to go around, you know.



Remember when I said that you can have fun in Ocean City, even in the offseason? I was LYING. You hear that, Shenanigans? YOU RUINED OUR MINI-VACATION. I hope you never forget that.

Photo Essay #1: Of Your Average Mid-Week, Mini Road Trip to NYC.

A and I needed to go to NY for some shopping, so we decided to go spend the night with our friend K in the process. K has a nice, big apartment in the village that she has to give up at the end of the month, so we wanted to take advantage. Here's the things that should usually happen on such a road trip:

1. wake up early.


2. find the money you've been putting away, and take alot of it.


3. say goodbye to roommate's gun-loving dog.


4. check to make sure driving conditions will be optimal.


5. hire a taxi to take you 2 miles out of your way, thus nullifying the point of cabbing instead of metroing. tip cabbie $1 instead of usual $5. realize it doesn't matter either way.


6. pick up rental car. when woman at counter says, "chevy monte carlo okay?" say "no." unless you want to drive around a big, unweildy family sedan in a snowy, icy new york city for two days. in that case, say "yes."


7. get lost in your own city on way out of town. waste 20 minutes.


8. drive half-asleep in white-out conditions. only kind of crash once.


9. have passenger take picture of otherwise uninteresting semi while passing at 60mph.


10. miraculously arrive at tunnel to manhattan within 5 hours of leaving. make sure car is completely encased in mixture of snow, salt, and nearly opaque film. also make sure car has no wiper fluid. this is key.

11. park. pay $20 because parking on the street in NY is scary, impossible and the tickets are big. they tow their cars to canada, and make you drive there to pick them up. if you don't have a second car, you're just out of luck. so pay $20. proceed to nearest place with something warm and a bathroom. pay for the warm thing and use the bathroom. bonus: the warm thing is delicious.

12. take picture of gritty, urban street art.

13. take picture of gritty, urban street art made by affluent DC-area teen.

14. shop for an hour, until extremities begin to separate from limbs. join friend for dinner in heated establishment.


15. go to bar. drink delicious domestic beer.


16. go to second bar. look for some semblance of a hop in any beer. fail. drink guinness.

17. run into sideshow performer albert cadabra, who is drunk off free wine at burlesque show in basement. discuss things. forget to take picture with him. wait until he comes back upstairs. take picture with him. he is a seasoned picture-taking professional.


18. go to sleep earlier than you have gone to sleep in six months. wake up at usual time. shop at expensive stores with unexpensive-sounding names. make comments your parents would make about the prices of things. purchase things anyway.


19. sit in traffic. just cuz.


20. leave. take picture while sitting in traffic of city through grime-covered window.


21. stage photo while driving. make sure to get friend asleep in back seat, and to make stupid face.

22. figure out best way to take picture of great sunset while driving. change settings numerous times until figuring it out. switch lanes three times while doing so, accidentally. take picture. go home. go see shortstack.