Sunday, February 3, 2008

Bizarro Saturday

Saturday Night Timeline:

5:00pm-2:51am: Normal

2:52am: Girl accuses dude of hitting her at upstairs bar, approx 30 other dudes attempt to beat living hell out of dude. Glass crashing ensues.

2:53am: Me in manager mode, walk upstairs, say the word "cops," 30 other dudes stop attempting to beat living hell, run away.

2:59am: Dude demands police escort out of premises. Demand is not met because police don't live in my back pocket, and because bar is not UN. Dude leaves, everything fine.

3:25am: Glass cleanup finishes.

3:26am: Co-worker informs me his drawer is $660 short. Count, recount, recount, count other money, check numbers, drink beer quickly, put forehead in hands.

3:29am: Evan points out that report being referenced is for the wrong drawer. Money is not missing. Exhale. Adjourn to office, begin closing procedures.

3:51am: Colin asks me if I smell smoke. I don't. Assume bar is burning down on top of me. Hear Colin hollering from down the hall. Sigh. Walk down hall to the walk-in refrigerator.

3:52am: Discover patron who has stowed himself away in walk-in refrigerator for approximately an hour. Claims he was "locked in." Point out that this is impossible.

3:53am: Realize that patron has cut the power to refrigerator, drank a beer, smoked two cigarettes, broken a case of beer, knocked over a bucket of wings, a box of lemons, punched out a piece of plywood holding in exhaust fan, and urinated in an empty bucket.

3:54am: Recognizing that it would be too difficult to dispose of a dead body, take patron upstairs to get his information and figure out what the hell to do with him:

3:55am: Take information, put it on sheet of paper, discuss the fact that we are probably going to call the police and press charges.

3:56am: Patron takes sheet of paper and tries to eat it. Becomes apparent that patron is in fact the drunkest superspy on the planet. Co-worker does puppy jaw thing on patron, procures paper before it gets digested, but not before it gets saliva'd:

4:00am: Walk patron out, stick a note in his pocket reminding him that he's not really welcome here anymore.

4:01am: Laugh hysterically.

4:02am: Begin cleaning.


Our Lady Mess said...

that's awesome.

Dan Check said...

Oh man. He gave you his SSN? Wow.

Deffo said...

Yep. He realized that he had essentially broken and entered and thieved. He's pretty lucky that we're not gonna press charges.

Spinning Ninny said...

that was an amazing story.