Photo Essay #8: Baltimore is Hot These Days

Yes, Baltimore is hot. Only not meteorologically speaking. Really, it is the same as the rest of the Mid-Atlantic: coldish. But we made the day trip anyway, because there are certain things one just must do. We had goals, after all. Big ones.

We got up early. Check the weather! Check! Looks good! Blue skies!


Head on down to Union Station. Bustle, bustle, miss 1:20 MARC train. It's okay, though! Let's grab a Happy Meal!


Shit, they're putting really creepy dolls in Happy Meals these days. I would've been pissed and scared to get this thing when I was 8:

Woot! 2:15 train to B'More! We're all excited for the camera, all at the same time! Without any Photoshopping, even!


Seriously!


I mean, how could one not be excited about rolling up to Charm City when dudes like this are coming with?


That hair and complexion needed a triptych if it were to be done justice.

But here we are! Baltimore, City of Lights! City of Industry and the By-Products Produced Therein! This picture is actually in focus:


First stop: Fell's Point, to meet this kid, who is eating blue cotton-candy-flavored ice cream. He resembles a young Violet Beauregard, does he not? But he is not greedy, nor did he need to be juiced.

Also, his mom might've been the best mom in the world, because she was laughing as hard as we were. She told us that she wanted to have a bite of his cone until he decided to add Butterfinger chunks into the mix. That kid is a genius.

While we were talking to the kid these two guys asked us to answer questions for a movie they were making. We said yes. Its randomness threw me off guard:

Him: What is the most important thing in the world?
Me: You've asked the wrong person, man. Sorry.
Him: No, no. What's the most important thing in the world to you?
Me: Money.
Him: What's next?
Me: Sex.
Him: What's next?
Me: Things.
Him: What's next?
Me: Food.
Him: What's next?
Me: Jesus.
Him: What do you know about blood?
Me: (pause) Not much.
Him: Anything.
Me: Seriously, not much.
Him: What are the three kinds of blood cells?
Me: Red, white and hemoglobin. (Right Answer: Platelets. Damn.)
Him: Where is blood produced?
Me: The heart. (Marrow. I've given up.)
Him: Why are you here?
Me: To go shopping.
Him: No, why are you here? (Implying in the grand scheme of things.)
Me: To go shopping.

Turns out he was doing a infomercial for a blood disease foundation or something, which was to begin with some man-on-the-street clips. I was relieved. Otherwise it would've been weird. Oh, and he complimented our footwear. But I only have a picture of mine, surprisingly:


Second stop: Food. We happened by Brewer's Art, which has great tap handles for its beer. Especially Resurrection Ale, which was probably a hit this past weekend:

And finally, on to the pool hall our friend Stevie Pants manages. Ana showed the surprising and shocking ability to create balls out of thin air with only brute force:


But the true purpose of any trip to Baltimore is to see the new Boxer puppy that your friends just acquired:

That face is made for TV.

Make the last train back with 30 seconds to spare, and you've got yourself a successful day trip. But I forgot! It's made all that much more perfect by my purchase of Knight Rider Season One (which comes with the complete Knight Rider 2000 Movie and a full manual for KITT, which I'm going to need when you people finally come through with the cash). See? Again without the Photoshopping: