Superevil Times

To get ready for our trip to Medieval Times, I decided that it would be prudent to wear my most appropriate t-shirt, in case I was called on to join in the tournament proceedings. Spoiler Alert: I wasn't.


Riding in a van with a dozen other people: always makes one feel like one is in high school. When the destination is a birthday party for your friend, it makes the feeling even more prominent.


Especially when you have coupons.


The only disappointing thing about Medieval Times is that you can't enter through the drawbridge. This is made up for by the fact that there are archers in the turrets waiting for approaching enemies.

(While it looks like I'm posing here, I'm actually looking across the parking lot to the Golden Corral Buffet restaurant, where an ambulance was carting off what could only have been the third coronary victim of the evening. I still wanted to go.)


So when I said that I was going to root for the red and yellow knight, that was before I realized that we would be assigned a knight to root for because stupid monarchies always want to be in control. Anyway, our group was split between the blue (me and Ana's knight, the awesome one) and the yellow (boring loser) knights. Hence our blue crowns.

I can only surmise that the light streams in this picture are faerie trails unseeable by the human eye.


While the princess is being wowed by boring girl stuff like pony tricks, everybody gets their meal. You eat with your hands, but you already knew that because you saw Cable Guy. What you didn't know was that they had plastic:


as well as garlic bread and Campbell's soup. Although I guess it's not surprising that Campbell's was around then, because that company is an American institution.


It's also good to know that they had wet naps back then, because otherwise their tunics would be really greasy.


I also said that my favorite wench would be the one with the choicest grog or mead. But they only had enormous goblets of beer, and we had a serf, not a wench. His name was Chris.


Paul decided that he would both root for and fall in love with the blue knight.


The blue knight recognized this and threw him a flower, totally on purpose.


So when the fights started, the yellow people were all cheering for their knight, who promptly kicked his opponent in the junk (they didn't say what it was called back then), which was considered dishonorable even then.

I don't have a video, but Murph promptly screamed "The yellow knight fights with no honor! His color befits him!"

If you are interested in going to Medieval Times, I would highly recommend taking Murph with you.


Our knight was the winning knight, obvs. If you have the sound on, at the end I call out Chick-fil-A Waldorf, who was there for their Christmas party. For some reason I had decided that they were rooting for the red and black knight.

(You'll also hear calls to "chop his head off!" and "there can be only one!" from our table. The cinematography is unfortunately not too good. Cuz of all the excitement.)

In other news, there was this scary shit involving an oracle, who was all enveloped in fog.


In the end, ironically, the red and yellow knight ultimately came back (there was some goings-on involving treason and some squires fighting each other) to win the competition. Which was weird because he was the first loser. But anyway, I totally called it so I was happy.

Afterward, Joe got knighted.


And the king signed his old, non-knighted crown. I'm pretty sure Joe is going to use it in some sort of forgery scheme.


Then they took a picture together.


One of the unforseen consequences of going to Medieval Times is that when you take your 40-ounce goblet to the bar afterward to show off, they fill it up with beer, even when you tell them to just give you a little bit. This is not necessarily a negative consequence, but it's a consequence nonetheless.


And then everybody wants to wear the crowns.


BONUSBONUSBONUS: Andy noticed that my check card wasn't signed so he signed it for me:


If you can't read it, it says "Awesome McAwesome." That is my new legal name.

Also, Katie gave us posters for Christmas. This one is of Ana's boyfriend: