Photo Essay #3: Anatomy of St. Patrick's Day (Other Side of the Bar Edition)

In the world of drinking for sport, a few days a year are sacred: New Year's Eve, Fat Tuesday, July 4th--but the ultimate, the one day a year where drinking is done purely for drinking's sake, to honor the act of drinking and being drunk, is St. Patrick's Day. New Year's Eve is for amateurs, you say? I beg to differ. St. Patrick's day was made for amateurs. Here's a few guidelines for the evening:

1. In my personal bar lexicon, I consider St. Patrick's a day of mourning. So proper attire is required.


2. Bar owners: People are not spendthrifts. Take advantage of this fact! Just because domestic bottles are always $3.75 doesn't mean that they aren't special. Really, they're always special! Point out this normal special price, with the words "St. Patty's" and "Special" prominently displayed on an 8.5 x 11 sheet of paper.


3. Drunks: Remember, the whole thing is about drinking. Not socializing or excitement or something else stupid and pointless. DRINKING. So here are some tips to make it go smoothly. (1) Dude who wants food really bad: When you want to order food (waste of money anyway~doesn't help you get drunk at all), the best way to do so is to wave the menu in my face while I'm making six drinks at once. If that doesn't work, wait until I'm not looking at you, or my back is turned, and say something like "Hey. Hey. HEY! Can I get a bacon cheeseburger PLEASE?" When I tell you that you need to wait until I'm done DOING OTHER THINGS, make sure you huff and slump down in your seat. After all, you've been waiting for THREE MINUTES. When I ask you what you want, roll your eyes and sigh. This will ensure prompt, quality service, especially considering the fact that I am still in the middle of making that order for 42 car bombs that just came in. Finally, once the order is placed, make sure to fall asleep on your bar stool.


(2) Big dude with booming voice: Hey, bro! I get it! You can stand at any part of the bar and I'll hear your order. So why don't you just yell what you want from 30 feet away. Better yet, just yell drinks as your friends tell you what they want. Don't worry if I'm not even behind the bar. Just order away--they'll get made and added to your tab. We remember your name. Don't even worry about reminding us; you, sir, are memorable.

Finally, (3) Girl who's ready to party: Make sure to order all the Irish favorites. Green Red Bull & Vodka, Green Jager Bombs, Green Blue Moon Belgian White, my favorite Green fruity shot--they're time-tested libations that go down smoothly, one after the other. Or mixed! Keep ordering them! Seriously--KEEP ORDERING THEM. Another green shot of tequila? Coming right up! Want something else to be green? Got it! Green Green Green! And when you realize that you can't form a complete sentence anymore, don't worry about it. Hang out, keep drinking. It's St. Patrick's Day, for God's sake! You have won. You have reached the pinnacle. Sign your credit card slip with your left hand, because you've forgotten which one you write with. Leave the bartender $~~H"/^ for a tip on your $80 bill. Jibberish tips are what we live for.

4. Whew, the night is over. That ruled. Pour yourself a Guinness. It's what you've wanted to do since 10:30.


5. Watch barbacks clean up piles of green shit mixed with piles of possibly organic material. Laugh at them. Suckers.


6. Count the money, which very well might eclipse the GNP of a small country. Forget this fact as soon as you think it.


7. Drink bourbon. Keep waiting for barbacks to do the things they do, whatever it is.


8. Woo! All done! A successful night. No one died of alcohol poisoning. Only a moderate amount of vomit was vomited. Now to get on your bike in the freezing-ass cold of 6:30am.


Seriously, it's like 28 degrees. That is a bummer.

10. But at least the sun is coming up. That way, you won't be able to fall asleep for like six more hours. Yesss!

And that's the night.

(BONUS TIP: If you wait until the day after St. Patrick's, Fish & Chips is still just as delicious, and much less crowded. Plus, you won't vomit it up three hours later.)