Zip-Up Hidden Pocket for my Arnold Palmer Flask

This is Why I'm Hot (Literal Version):

Look at me when I was little, and at Abraham Super Lincoln. This is LIFE!

PS This
might be the funniest thing I've ever read. [HK]

PPS And this may be my new life motto. The last part of it. [Achewood]

Photo Essay #9: Anatomy of a Going-Away Party

Martina is leaving! Look how pretty:


We're shocked! Look how beautifully we photograph at a moment's notice!


What's that? You want to see our pinky rings?


This photograph proves that we lived together once. And that Martina likes to go around naked in public. Because she's a little tramp!


Oh, Martina! You're funny!


AHHH HAHAHAHA! HA HA HA HA!


And we love each other!


I hate you and I am going to kill you.


That party sucked!

Helloa, mine ignored public!

I apologize! Nothing has been blogworthy of late, my legions! Here, I have some pictures for you. This first one here is some spilt dirty girl scout shot materiel from the Brickskeller this eve.


Gross!

The second is Evan, who got firet from same establishment this same eve. He's a happy young lad, with random tattoos on his arams!


So this should tide you over until Photo Essay #9 comes along, which will chronicle Martina's going-away party.

Oh, and Eddie Izzard was at Brickskeller when we were there. But I didn't Papparazzo him like I wanted to.

Sneak Preview

For our friend's going-away party next week, we decided to forgo the traditional group picture and manufacture one with Photoshop. Here's the beginning:

It is going to be amazing. If you want your picture in, send it along pronto. Of course, you should probably know her.

I Also Relished My Role As Social Critic. Who Knew?

Things I Can Learn About Myself

I:

1. Write photo essays.
2. Party.
3. Drink.
4. Am concerned with home decor for hipsters.
5. Am concerned with the weather.
6. Meat.
7. Make up traditions.
8. Am Selfish.
9. Must make money.

I Got Swagged

Yeah! And you didn't! What! Free Promotional Items!

Photo Essay #8: Baltimore is Hot These Days

Yes, Baltimore is hot. Only not meteorologically speaking. Really, it is the same as the rest of the Mid-Atlantic: coldish. But we made the day trip anyway, because there are certain things one just must do. We had goals, after all. Big ones.

We got up early. Check the weather! Check! Looks good! Blue skies!


Head on down to Union Station. Bustle, bustle, miss 1:20 MARC train. It's okay, though! Let's grab a Happy Meal!


Shit, they're putting really creepy dolls in Happy Meals these days. I would've been pissed and scared to get this thing when I was 8:

Woot! 2:15 train to B'More! We're all excited for the camera, all at the same time! Without any Photoshopping, even!


Seriously!


I mean, how could one not be excited about rolling up to Charm City when dudes like this are coming with?


That hair and complexion needed a triptych if it were to be done justice.

But here we are! Baltimore, City of Lights! City of Industry and the By-Products Produced Therein! This picture is actually in focus:


First stop: Fell's Point, to meet this kid, who is eating blue cotton-candy-flavored ice cream. He resembles a young Violet Beauregard, does he not? But he is not greedy, nor did he need to be juiced.

Also, his mom might've been the best mom in the world, because she was laughing as hard as we were. She told us that she wanted to have a bite of his cone until he decided to add Butterfinger chunks into the mix. That kid is a genius.

While we were talking to the kid these two guys asked us to answer questions for a movie they were making. We said yes. Its randomness threw me off guard:

Him: What is the most important thing in the world?
Me: You've asked the wrong person, man. Sorry.
Him: No, no. What's the most important thing in the world to you?
Me: Money.
Him: What's next?
Me: Sex.
Him: What's next?
Me: Things.
Him: What's next?
Me: Food.
Him: What's next?
Me: Jesus.
Him: What do you know about blood?
Me: (pause) Not much.
Him: Anything.
Me: Seriously, not much.
Him: What are the three kinds of blood cells?
Me: Red, white and hemoglobin. (Right Answer: Platelets. Damn.)
Him: Where is blood produced?
Me: The heart. (Marrow. I've given up.)
Him: Why are you here?
Me: To go shopping.
Him: No, why are you here? (Implying in the grand scheme of things.)
Me: To go shopping.

Turns out he was doing a infomercial for a blood disease foundation or something, which was to begin with some man-on-the-street clips. I was relieved. Otherwise it would've been weird. Oh, and he complimented our footwear. But I only have a picture of mine, surprisingly:


Second stop: Food. We happened by Brewer's Art, which has great tap handles for its beer. Especially Resurrection Ale, which was probably a hit this past weekend:

And finally, on to the pool hall our friend Stevie Pants manages. Ana showed the surprising and shocking ability to create balls out of thin air with only brute force:


But the true purpose of any trip to Baltimore is to see the new Boxer puppy that your friends just acquired:

That face is made for TV.

Make the last train back with 30 seconds to spare, and you've got yourself a successful day trip. But I forgot! It's made all that much more perfect by my purchase of Knight Rider Season One (which comes with the complete Knight Rider 2000 Movie and a full manual for KITT, which I'm going to need when you people finally come through with the cash). See? Again without the Photoshopping:

Photo Essay #7: Shoes Are Useful

Our friend Keso put on a show last night featuring live hip-hop and sneaker artists. The sneakers were hot:


Especially these, which I wanted to buy but didn't. Can you imagine wearing them to the premiere next week? Instant nerd cred/shame paradox.


Keso was registering all sneakers for a sneaker-off (I just made that concept up), which involved taking your sneaker off and holding it. I would rather not go sock-footed in Asylum, but sometimes you have to take chances. Anyway, here's how I see the comptetition:

1) Nathan, who thinks his sparkling white AirMax running shoes are going to take him places, but who is desperately misled;

2) Floyd, whose joints are hot but they look a little worn. Gotta keep them fresh, Floyd;

3) Susan, who I think may be my only real competition. Thank god the Polaroid glare is covering up the detail on her sneakers!;

4) "P-Diddy" (Not real name), whose hi-top Nike throwbacks are nice and purple and yes, she got them in Japan, but not everything in Japan is better. Just most;

5) DJ Rock Something, who apparently wore some K-Swiss and thought they were gonna win, but everbody knows that

6) I am going to. People! Listen up! When you buy expensive, limited edition sneakers, they WILL COME IN HANDY for parties and competitions with NO PRIZES other than your own pride.

See? Even they agree.


PS For your enjoyment: Ana eating The Onion. New on Thursdays! WATCH YOUR BACK, CITY PAPER. A couple more front page stories about people doing boring things, and we're just gonna pass you right by. And eat the other one.

Party/Impending Homicide Announcement

In other news, it's 39 DEGREES outside. SOMEBODY IS GOING TO DIE.

Famous People Blog For Unfamous People

I am in the former category now, suckers.

Famous People Interact With Unfamous People!

Last night was the Pharmacy Bar anniversary party. This means that instead the usual five Monday regulars, there were more like forty, and those extra thirty-five people means I didn't bring my camera because I thought I would probably break it. Boy, was that a mistake. Because a famous person came! Who? DAVID ARQUETTE. Of the Hollywood Arquettes. Brother of Patricia, son of Lewis. Anyway, he was in town screening Eight Legged Freaks 2 at the Black Cat and I guess somebody told him he should roll up to Pharmacy after last call.

He was very nice, signed some autographs that made it look like his name is really OOOBO OOOBOSOO, and chatted with people. Then, when everyone was outside after the bar closed, he broke out his laser pointer (which I knew in the back of my mind that he would carry at all times).

I wish I had my camera with me! But I didn't, so I had to sketch it:


It was pretty awesome. Later, he and his crew got into their Hummer with neon underlights!

I Trust You All Know What To Do.

Cash is just fine. We only need $149,995.

Update: Things We can't Live Without

A friend devised this bracket while driving from one town in the Deep South to the other town in the Deep South. I added my own observations:


They are wise down there, I've always said.