Las Vegas: Basically Just Novelty Drinks

Let's start this off right, Vegas-style, with a picture of a bakery in the airport.


What is more Vegas than Breadz?

Next is the second picture of a 24-hour bar that I've taken in the past month. Do you know what that means? Good month.


Next would be a couple dozen pictures of the inside of the casino we stayed at, including but not limited to the Dealertainers® (celebrity look-alikes who perform and also deal blackjack), but it's Vegas and they don't like cameras. So pictures of novelty drinks must suffice.

How this for suffice? 40 ounces of daiquiri in a plastic guitar. In the mall bathroom, natch.


Then disperse with the novelty drinks for the real drinks. Why? Cuz we're getting ready to go to the club, that's why.


(Aside: when you find a Sedaris book in the hotel bathroom, you know your friend is white.)


Hey, are you guys going to the club? Yes? Thought so.


What are you dudes doing? Oh.


What happens twelve hours later? Your body reminds you that you are a jackass.


But whatever there is still time to go to Fremont Street and eat fried Oreos.


In Fremont Street, you may remember, there is an experience that people take pictures of for some reason.


Other people buy Oakland Raider earrings and sparkly hats.


Oh, and some of the hats have lights in them.

Like this one the Chad is wearing. It is a USA hat.


Finally, we went to the El Cortez, which is noteworthy because it rules.


Then we came home to find that Junes had stocked our joint with Canadian chocolates


and New Glarus. Both of which are delicious.


Then we slept for 17 hours.

At RockHouse®, the Rock-themed/Beer Pong fake club attached to our hotel, Hamouda wore a singlet/jumper/onesie and drank a blue daiquiri. What did this result in?

You guessed correctly. It resulted in being accosted by a blacked-out, middle-aged tourist.

Next Time You See This Face It'll Be Covered in One Million Dollar Bills Probs

Friday Product Time!

I don't have a car but I am buying this.

Friday Fact: Disposable Cameras Have Not Progressed With the Rest of Technology

The boss turns 50 this week, and we managed to get the whole staff together for a picture for his birthday, so of course I forget my camera.

No problem, right? They still have disposable cameras, right? Yes, they do.


The only thing is that disposable cameras still suck super hard.

Only good thing is that the picture has a little bit of character. By 'character' I mean 'can't make out anybody's face because the shit is too washed out.'

Vegas Here We Come

The dude on the left is turning 30 so we're going to Vegas. They are wearing matching Mickey Mouse shirts. Anyhoos, Vegas rules, remember?

Proof That Design Cannot Progress

Every time I go to the Brickskeller I see these two cans (of the thousands on display) and wish that I could taste them. And have them in my refrigerator. And open a bar that sells exclusively them.

Work Story. Plus Housewares!

This is a little late but still a gem. On Friday, a customer hit all the bases:

1. Started yelling her order at me while I was not only making somebody else's drinks, but speaking with someone else at the opposite end of the bar.

2. String ordered (ie kept adding more drinks every time I came back).

3. After I lectured her on the rudeness of yelling her order, did so again three more times.

4. Told me that I'd get a good tip if I gave her my number.

The best part? Her friend closed the tab out when she wasn't around, and seemed unhappy with the total. So he tips a penny.


I pointed out to him that this was a bummer thing to do, and he began listing his reasons for the poor tip:

1. Poor service brings poor tip (even though he had never actually interacted with me before this)

2. My coworker had punched him in the face (not true and just weird)

3. My coworker was a dick (asked him to move)

4. I didn't include an itemized bill with the credit receipt.

At this point I gave him an itemized bill, which he didn't look at but rather balled up and threw at me before telling me to fuck off. I then escorted him out. His name is Brian Roach, btw. Feel free to not serve him if you have the chance.

Something awesome to counteract Mr. Roach: new fry pan to replace sad old one.

Friday Things: Boring, Sad, Natch

Cats are sleeping a lot these days. It's as if they're cold-blooded but the opposite.




You know you're getting old when you're genuinely saddened by the death of a journalist. For me, it's the second one I've gotten sad about, so maybe I'm getting really old.

R Kelly acquitted. As if this were a question. One good thing to come from all this: six or eight albums-worth of trial-based songs from Kels.

OMG.

Two things:

1. If this site had been around ten years ago, I would've wasted easily seven years since then. Make your own font and test it in real time? Guh? See everybody next decade.

2. The catcher is lucky he didn't melt into honey:

Road Trip USA Redux: Picturetimez

Look! It's two dudes with beards.


And a dog. The dog was bummed because he had to sit in the back.


People have lots of opinions about West Virginia. Two of them are right. 1) It is beautiful


And 2) terrifying. This is an abandoned gas station with an abandoned semi on blocks. If we had seen this at night I would likely have been murdered.


Before going to the Tri-State Dog Track and Slot Emporium, we had Arby's.


In Kentucky, the sandwich shop was selling Pickle Pops, with aren't pops at all but rather plastic ramekins filled with frozen pickle juice. We bought two and they were not refreshing.


You know what is refreshing? Buying 9 bottles of bourbon.


And then the proprietor gives you two pints of your favorite "for the road." Now that's a responsible liquor purveyor!


Soon after that we see Dinosaur World, which is impossible to not stop at.


Next door to Dinosaur World, of course, is a fireworks store where Teebz buys lots of illegal mortars and the like.

There are lots of videos of us shooting them off, but I'll just give you the one for now. (Hint: If you don't have the sound on it's going to be even more boring than it is already.)

Then we walked down the road acting all innocent and around the corner we find this big jail which explains why there were cops everywhere.


The next day we went to Graceland. I have sworn to recreate the TV room when I get the money. No fake. The bar is yellow vinyl.


Then in a Mississippi rest stop: the first of two great bathroom photos:


The cup says "SOAP please do not dump out the dispenser is broke"

New Orleans on a random Tuesday night: hot as hell and people trying to act like it's Mardi Gras. Bummer.

Recommendation: find 24-hour bar playing Death Wish 3. Take a picture of its bathroom.



In Austin, it was time for Roadtoo. Specifically, bald eagle carrying booze and fireworks.



After staying in Motel 6es for four nights, we noticed that the skier/boxer on the comforter has an arm that looks suspiciously like a red rocket. I'm guessing that life as a designer for Motel 6 bedspreads yields little excitement.

Road Trip USA Over; Dispatches Collated

Sunday, June 1, 2008 9:18am -- On our way. Might have just broken Teebz' car on a curb tho so this might be a short trip.

Sunday, June 1, 2008 10:40 AM -- Teebz' mom packed us egg salad and bologna and cheese sandwiches, and rice crispy treats. Moms rule.

Sunday, June 1, 2008 3:36 PM -- Time has passed and my neck hurts, so I'm guessing that I just slept through much of Virginia. Up next: Roanoke. FINALLY.

Sunday, June 1, 2008 7:55 PM -- In WV, bypassed a place called 'biscuit world' against my better judgement. Hoping it won't come back to haunt me.

Sunday, June 1, 2008 11:52 PM -- While playing nickel slots at the tri-state dog track, Teebz comments that it is depressing.

Monday, June 2, 2008 10:57 AM -- Discussing what Roadtoos we should get. Some pretty choice shops in KY.

Monday, June 2, 2008 11:12 AM -- Within a mile we just passed an airport named after a horse, a castle under construction, and a Christian radio station.

Monday, June 2, 2008 12:56 PM -- Just purchased 8 bottles of bourbon, further complicating the seating situation.

Monday, June 2, 2008 3:10 PM -- Stops at Dinosaur World and fireworks shop were, unsurprisingly, massively successful.

Monday, June 2, 2008 4:44 PM-- Teebz' dog (Dignan) just leaned out the window and shot off a roman candle.

Monday, June 2, 2008 7:18 PM -- Stopping to eat at Lone Star Steakhouse in TN. Because Teebz is moving to Texas and dudes eat at steakhouses.

Tuesday, June 3 1:06 PM -- I want to live in Graceland. This place is amazing.

Tuesday, June 3 2:27 PM -- Been in Mississippi for fifteen minutes and not a single burning cross. Hollywood stereotypes crushed.

Tuesday, June 3 3:12 PM -- The green mileage signs on the side of the highway are full of towns that I have no desire to visit. Sorry, Mississippi.

Tuesday, June 3 4:52 PM -- Retract the last one. I wouldn't mind hanging in Yazoo City for a minute.

Tuesday, June 3 6:05 PM -- Just tipped 19% for dinner at Chili's, which for me is like flicking the server off and burning the place down.

Tuesday, June 3 6:17 PM -- To clarify, it's because me and Teebz are both ex-chiliheads. And my Big Mouth Burger had mayo on both sides.

Tuesday, June 3 9:29 PM -- Proven fact: Louisiana has more bugs per capita (BPC) than any other state.

Wednesday, June 4 5:26 PM -- So far everything in Texas is regular-sized. What does this mean? That Texans are liars.

Wednesday, June 4 9:42 PM -- Arrived in Austin. Checking in to our fourth Motel 6 because it always keeps its promises. And shirtless dudes hanging.

Wednesday, June 4 2:51 AM -- Watching a crossover episode of Wings/Cheers that I never knew existed. Norm and Cliff drinkin at Sandpiper Air!

Thursday, June 5 2:20 PM -- Preparing to get roadtoos.

Thursday, June 5 5:17 PM -- Sign of successful road trip is when you get a tattoo of an eagle holding a bottle of booze and a stick of dynamite.