Everyone May Now Relax, Exhale, Take a Load Off, Recline, Repose, Rest, Simmer Down

Jeff "Cognoscente" G. has become Jeff "Truculent" B. Many thanks to Owen for somehow finding this.



Whew. He will from now on be known as Jeff B Nee G.

THE WORST, MOST TROGLODYTE, INANE, ASININE, CORNSWAGGLED, OBSTETRITIOUS DAY IN HISTORY

Jeff G. has been BANNED. For what, you ask? For "violating" something Yelp! calls its "terms of service," whatever that means. I'm guessing that their terms of service must preclude its members from being AWESOME.


So what do we do, people? We do what those Boy Scouts did in Mr. Smith Goes to Washington: write hundreds of letters that Jeff G. can present at the Senate hearing on his banishment. Below is a form letter that you can cut and paste for yourself:

Dear Yelp!,

I am a PERTURBED Yelp! citizen. Why, you ask? I'll EDIFY, ENLIGHTEN, and ENDUE you: you have banned the best reviewer on Yelp!, that's why. Jeff G., of Washington, DC, has BEQUEATHED the most EXCEPTIONAL, FAVORABLE, FIRST RATE, GNARLY, GRATIFYING reviews to us, his readers, over the past few months.

Please, Yelp!. Do not take Jeff G. away from us. You are our only hope.

Signed,

[You]

Now head here and make this travesty go away.

New Blay! Miscommunication Edition

Int., a bar.

Guy orders a Long Island Iced Tea ($7.50), hands me a twenty dollar bill.

Me: $7.50.
Guy: Can I get $13 back?
Me: No.

Scene.


Int., a bar.

Bro: Can we get four Car Bombs?
Me: Sorry, man. We don't do bombs. (Not a lie--Ed.)
Bro: What?
Me: We don't do Car Bombs.
Bro: What, are you Catholic?

Scene.

Normal, Non-Jeff G-Related Post

Apologies if you're not interested in fake-internet non-celebrity stalking. Here's some normal content:

First, I went to the Natinals game last week, which was fun and all but really the Abe Lincoln costume is wayyyy more terrifying than it needs to be. This thing definitely set at least three kids into crying fits, and unsettled me something fierce.


Second, we went to the soft opening of the unfortunately-named H St. Country Club on Saturday. Here's a wide shot of the mini-golf course (Ana is on the path to give some perspective):


The design is pretty awesome, really, even though I don't think the mini-golf is going to be particularly challenging. Here's The Awakening of Marion Barry:


Here's my favorite, the Zombie Presidents hole (the one on the right is Martin Van Buren, who was originally supposed to be Howard Taft, an idea that was axed by the overlord for whatever reason):


And a mixing-bowlish loop:


All in all, the place is well designed. I can't imagine making a trip of it, though. Get ready for large parties of people otherwise terrified of NE to be inhabiting HSCC.

Finally: roses again!

Jeff G's Waifish, Asian Sexpot Girlfriend FOUND?!?!

Chad America, the internet sleuth, has uncovered what is likely the biggest scoop in Yelp! history. Scouring Jeff G's friend list, he finds one Sabrina M, who--while not exactly waifish


definitely fits the "Asian" and possibly "sexpot" descriptors that Jeff G has given us.

But the biggest giveaway, of course, is the reviewing style. One look at this sentence (from her review of Maxfield's in LA) and I think you'll agree--these two are like a Yelp! Bonnie and Clyde:

Maxfield is amazingly snazzy, du jour, chic, snazzy, hot, chi-chi, au courant, and always always the most sophisticated couture at ridiculously outstanding prices even by common folk standards!!

Come on!! Snazzy TWICE? Au courant? Sounds to me like this lady has been to 32 countries on 5 continents. But really, this little snippet seals the deal:

if you're looking for a tongue slapping, spicy, delicious, flavorful, Mexican meal go to Loriol Plaza

Any true Jeff G aficionado will recognize that particular descriptive gem. Next up: where does she bartend?

ME+JEFF G=BFF 4EVR OMG LOLZ !!!1! PLUS HE KIND OF OUTS HIMSELF

Alot of people out there are COOT GALOOT SHERPA CLODs and don't have PERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS with JEFF G via THE INTERNET. Others of us, ME, do.

First, here's my Yelp! profile pic (my childhood dog, who will soon be immortalized):

And of course, here's Jeff's:

(Aside: he just looks like your everyday dude, huh? Just a little gel here, a little groomed facial hair there, a little Soul Rebel for good measure)

So I sent Jeff G a message on Yelp the other day, admiring his reviews and noting that they are THE BEST ON YELP, PLZ KEEP IT UP. And what do you know but JG wrote be back, and wicked promptly!

Unfortunately, his message was bereft of capital letters. It was also bereft of the things we all love about him: grammatical errors, creative spellings of arcane adjectives (WHINGY?), and vitriol. Look at this boring thing:

Hey Scott
Thanks for your awesome compliment. Thanks for reading my reviews. I really appreciate it and it means a lot to me that you enjoy them.

I don't know how to react to this. It is like a normal response from a non-lunatic.

Then comes the bam: Jeff G. outs himself! So much for his WAIFISH ASIAN GIRLFRIEND (WHERE DOES SHE BARTEND, PEOPLE?!?):

Anyhow, I love your dog by the way! Whats his/her name! He looks like he's a bundle! You should put some more pics up!
Ciao
Jeff

I'm not hating, I'm just saying that straight dudes don't A) love YORKSHIRE TERRIERS or B) refer to them as "bundles."

So begins my lifelong friendship with Jeff G.

Blay: Grab Bag

Int., a bar. A patron goes into a section of the bar that is chained off. I confront her as she comes out.

Me: Why did you go down there?

Girl: It looked so exciting!

Me: But you saw that it was chained up.

Girl: Uh huh

Me: So you knew that it was closed.

Girl: Uh huh

Me: In general, it's a bad idea to go into places that are chained off.

Girl: There was liquor everywhere! I could've stolen it.

Me: Also a bad idea to threaten thievery in a business as justification for going into a place that's off limits.

Girl: What?

Me: Ok.

Girl: Can I get a White Russian? I didn't steal anything.

Scene.


Int., a bar. Three thirtysomething dudes are celebrating one's graduation from law school. They order three shots. After they take them, one vomits it back into the glass. It is gross.

Friend #1: Ha, ha. I could tell you some stories about that guy.

Me: Do they all involve him vomiting back into his glass?

Friend #1: Yeah

Me: I don't really want to hear those. You see, we're the ones who get to clean up after dudes

Friend #1: Oh, yeah.

Me: Maybe you should teach him how to handle himself.

Friend #1: Yeah

Friend #2: Has anybody ever puked in their glass before?

Me: Yes.

Friend #2: Oh. Bummer.

Scene.

Jeff G TAKES OVER THE UNIVERSE

Seriously, people, you need to get interested in the Cognoscente. Jeff G. is the best thing to happen to the internet since yesterday. Come on! He has been to FIVE CONTINENTS!

So it is only natural that our birthday card to Patso would pinch his style:

What if Michelle Obama Was My Girlfriend (Honeymoon is Over Edition)

Hey, can we talk? Yes I KNOW you're busy shaking peoples' hands and going to get hamburgers. But this is important. What's so important, you ask? I'll tell you. I'm BORED. I mean, where are we? In some place with blue fabric behind us, talking to boring people about even more boring topics?

What happened to the excitement? The late-nite runs to Atlantic City? Blowing off security detail, running to the mall, polishing off a couple 40s?

Sigh.

Negative Adjective Bonanza

If you're not already addicted to Yelp!, you should be. Where else do you get to read people's unchecked narcissism mixed with their unchecked hatred of life?

Sometimes you find gold mines like Jeff "Cognoscente" G., who apparently is a male model of some sort,


and who, it seems, reviews every establishment he comes across. Like, for instance, this gem about a store that sells light fixtures:

TERRIBLE! AWFUL! DESPICABLE! WHAT A WASTE OF TIME! ABYSMAL!

Now THAT's a review.

But that's just a taste. He reviews two (2) different Whole Foods (both 5 stars), a car wash (4 stars), a liquor store (4 stars) and more.

But nothing compares to his review of my place of employment. Behold, the adjectives he uses to describe the service:

ATROCIOUS
UGLY
FUMING
DESPICABLE
DEPRESSED
DESPERATE
ugly
snooty
inane
sarcastic
rude
ignorant
bloated
weirdo

I wish I could remember this dude so I could replicate whatever inane service he got.

Oh hey, Wazzah.

I am only posting this video because of the 2:10 mark. That's for you, Pep Pep.



Then there is this car that I've walked by a million times and I finally took a picture out of anger:


There is no excuse for any of the things that are happening on this car's bumper. Not even ironic excuses. Let's go left to right:

Bad double entendre:


Africa is a continent, not a Koala Bear


Runner girl is being chased by electrical impulses


Then the clincher


Really, it's 2009. Fishes of any sort are inappropriate. I will accept this one though

Finally, cat sleeping on towel.