This Here Blog Is A Performer

So says The TYPALIZER

Thanksgiving: Comeuppance Edition

Ana barfed all day yesterday, which is ironic because a) she's Seinfeldian in her barfing tendencies; and b) it was Thanksgiving, which is a holiday formed around eating, which is one of her favorite pastimes. This can only mean that she was being punished by God.

Luckily for me, she felt good enough to still make it to dinner at the Tabard Inn, where I had this magnormous pork tenderloin chop. Unlucky for her, she had one bite of her meal and almost barfed. Not because it was gross.


Then she didn't feel up to going to Black Cat, which is a great DC tradition, but I did, so I left her at home. Shortly thereafter, Safia hijacked my phone and took some pictures:


Know who wasn't punished by God? Me

Thanksgiving List 2008

1. I did not just cut my finger off while making a sandwich, which was a pretty close call.

2. Our country is so amazing that when somebody makes a goofy offer to give everybody soda pop and fails, the lawyers get involved. Also, the most prestigious newspaper in the land writes an article about it.

3. Dinner tonight is going to involve some parsnip puree, y'all.

4. In lieu of usual screaming matches, landlord/downstairs neighbor and wife are observing the holiday with some Wilburys. Actually, they might be cranking the Wilburys in order to mask their usual screaming match.

5. Upcoming visit to Atlanta for early Christmas celebration, which will include dinner with brother and sister.

LYING CONSPIRATORIAL SODA JERKS

Dr. Pepper still doesn't understand how delicious it is, or how to set up a website giving us free Dr. Pepper.

CONSPIRACY

I WANT MY FREE DR. PEPPER

PUANTBOM + I Am Losing My Identity

At work yesterday some dude asked if I work at Black Cat too. No, I told him, you're thinking of Chad.

Me: Some dude just asked me if I work at Black Cat too. This is getting out of control.
Chad: No one ever thinks I work at Big Hunt.
Me: Up that.
Me: I'm gonna hire a publicist.
Chad: We should switch places for a day. Like on Sister Sister.
Me: Ok. Also I'm going to start a poster campaign called Scott Not Chad
Me: Or wear a t-shirt that says "Not Chad"
Chad: FWIW, no one ever asks me if I'm Chad or work at the Black Cat either.
Me: IWN=It's Worth Nothing. Ur dead to me.
Me: Oops I mean UDTM
Chad: Should I take your number out of my phone?
Me: Not if you want to know who's texting you death threats
Me: Although I guess I could just save them and tell them to you on Mondays
Chad: I bet your customers are happy about all your texting.
Me: They're not allowed to care. I forbid it
Me: PUANTBOM = Plus U Are Not The Boss Of Me
Chad: Hey, I wasn't telling you to get to work. I'm glad you're taking charge of your time.
Me: It helps when you have great disdain for your customers. Which you may understand.
Chad: That's why people confuse us.

Thank God It Comes With Free Dr. Pepper

Chinese Democracy comes out on Sunday. Klosterman gave it an A-, which only means that he's lost any ability to listen to music objectively. Cuz it's streaming on MySpace right now, and it's TERRIBLE. (Seriously. Do yourself a favor and listen to "Street of Dreams." It's laughable.) Did Klosterman get caught in some wackedy time continuum?

A song like "Shackler's Revenge" is initially average, until you get to the solo—then it becomes the sonic equivalent of a Russian robot wrestling a reticulating python.

So it's like a rusty, failing piece of antiquated technology being strangled by a snake? It's an apt metaphor, I just don't see how it's a positive one.

My review: it sounds like the Guns n' Roses album I would've produced as a goof after downing a bottle of Robitussin and listening to November Rain on loop for 9 hours in 2002.

The good thing is that Dr. Pepper hated on Axl, and got burned.

In Lieu of Gross Pictures of Healing Wounds

Had semi-surgery on my shoulder yesterday (anything at the dermatologist can't be real surgery, I argue), but in place of a picture of the gross wound I offer this picture of my attempt to use Google's new voice search app for the iPhone. When asking for "DeffoTotes," it yeilds "death photos." Which is not all bad, really.

Advertisement Reaches its Pinnacle +++

Looks like Obama has made his presence known in web advertising.


Obama reads Obama? Is this supposed to make me like him, or assume he's a sociopath?


Again, I slept on this thing for wayyy too long.

Pandering Begets Pandering

After Anonymous staked (stook?) some claim here, and Chad used geography and logic to put him/er in its place, I thought it was overwith, but then Liv says she is bored at work and wishes I would update every day.

Of course I won't do that, because I can't do anything every day, not even sleep or breathe. But if you're around and you whine enough, and I have my phone, I'll probably take your picture and put it up here. Just the thing to bore the rest of the people who are already bored at work.

Pandering

Chad America, who I am pretty sure is this phlog's #1 fan (prove me wrong), noted last night that he hasn't seen his face on it in like two weeks. Also, he told me that his new house adjoins a high school, and we decided that we should put on sweatpants, sunglasses, overcoats and fedoras and go watch gym class together.


Also somebody said we should start a ZZ Top cover band. Possible names:

1. We Have Legs
2. TT Zop
3. Sharp-Fingernailed Man
4. Cheap Sunglasses, as Well as Cheap Accessories of All Sorts

Run for Cover here we come.

Twofer Friday

Of all the great election coverage on The Onion, I think this one wins:


In other news, I got my first Royal Flush ever while playing a highly-illegal game of low-stakes Omaha. Look at the sad sack with his Full House! LOSER

I For One Did Not Know that NPH's Acting Chops Extended Beyond Old Spice Commercials

Next time you have 42 minutes free, watch this. It's great.

Presidential Essay (Feel Free to Skip)

When I was 18, I voted for Bob Dole. I was raised in a fairly conservative household, in which Bill Clinton was considered a buffoon (which, of course, he is--just a damned charismatic one). I don't really regret that vote, since I think Bob Dole would've been a funny president. His voice never changes pitch!

But he didn't win, and Clinton became Democratic deity in much the same way that Reagan became Republican deity.

In 2000, I voted for Nader because I was 22 and was convinced the country needed a third option in the form of a crotchety old consumer advocate. The bummer of that situation (aside from the fact that I voted for Nader) was that Nader wasn't on the ballot in Georgia, so my write-in vote was probably the equivalent of throwing the ballot in the trash (his final tally was 13,000, which seems low).

I didn't care for Gore (whose new adoration by Democrats doesn't make any sense to me, because he's still a stiff weirdo who would never win a presidential race), and Bush just seemed to be a throwaway candidate who might be able to surround himself with good enough people to get by. I remember a conversation I had with my mom pretty vividly, wherein she asked what I thought of W--I told her that I really didn't mind him except for his trouble with foreign affairs. That's what I call a prescient bummer.

I didn't vote in 2004, because I thought Kerry was the worst possible choice to run against Bush (he is basically Bush without a sense of humor, plus he is a corpse).

The awesomely brutal part about 2004 was the convention, where the democrats nominated the doomed corpse, while Obama gave the best political speech of my lifetime. I commented to a friend that it was bittersweet to have to wait four years before that dude could be president. The friend laughed.

All this is to say that regardless of what happens in Obama's presidency, the chance to have a leader who can present our country with ideas--not just rhetoric--is ridiculously exciting and refreshing.

Last night at work I turned my back on all my customers and watched his acceptance speech. This passage stood out:

To all those watching tonight from beyond our shores, from parliaments and palaces to those who are huddled around radios in the forgotten corners of our world – our stories are singular, but our destiny is shared, and a new dawn of American leadership is at hand.

To those who would tear this world down – we will defeat you. To those who seek peace and security – we support you. And to all those who have wondered if America's beacon still burns as bright – tonight we proved once more that the true strength of our nation comes not from our the might of our arms or the scale of our wealth, but from the enduring power of our ideals: democracy, liberty, opportunity, and unyielding hope.

The thing that stands out to me in reading the transcript is that the words are good, yes, but without his delivery--really, without him--they could be any other political speech. The awesome thing is that it wasn't.

P.S. The depressing part of the evening came before all this, when CNN premiered what can only be described as the wackest thing ever seen on television, when they interviewed super-speller will.i.am (it's like WILLIAM but deconstructed, see) via HOLOGRAM.


Thank god I watched this in HD so I could see the grainy, static footage in all its glory.

Election Day Pic Dump

Sorry I've been away for a while. I've been busy doing nothing.

During that time, things have happened.

A) My theory about stretching (that it sucks and is stupid, despite my half-hearted attempts) was proven correct. I first came up with this theory when Terry Pendleton joined the Braves in the 90s, bringing with him a super-fangled stretching program. Fact: this program ensured that he pulled a muscle 3 out of ever 7 times he broke into a jog.



B) I provisionally voted. Provisionally because DC doesn't have record of me being registered, even though I was summoned for jury duty like four years ago. Whatevs. At worst, I don't get to be one of the 95% this year.


C) Chick-fil-A still rulz.


D) Tried new/old beer (re-brewing of old beer labels--like shoes--is only going to increase in frequency, I predict) at Red Derby. Verdict: meh. Too sweet. But great packaging, Reading!


E) When one cannot find amazing Banh Mi (which one cannot in DC), what does one do? Get somebody to make it for you, I say.



F) Finally, Frizzesh Fizzootball is on FIRE. Who knew that such little care or concern could help me score 103 points (100 points in anything is good)?! Record now stands at 5-4.