Trolling

I got bored, which sometimes means that I clean out old emails. I found my confirmation email from Columbia House in November 2000 (I, too, am surprised that Columbia House existed in 2000 AND that I was a member). I was hoping that my free record choices would prove to be hilarious.

A Tribe Called Quest, Anthology
2Pac, All Eyez On Me
Michael Jackson, History: Past, Present And Future
Sinead O'Connor, The Lion and the Cobra
The Cure, Disintegration
The Smiths, Singles
Bjork, Post
New Order, Substance
Q-Tip, Amplified

Even the weakest of the ten, Q-Tip, is still totally listenable. In retrospect, it looks like I was replacing some albums that had been lost in the shuffle. Also, I am really mad that this list included no albums by Limp Bizkit or Silverchair.

Little Help Please

I don't know if it's just burnout, or the 90 degree April weather, or what, but I've been struggling for content lately. You can tell this by the fact that I'm posting a cat picture. Look at the dominion:


This one's pretty good, though. Staged picture of new father drinking day-old champagne punch out of a gatorade jug:

Blay, vol. V: Earth Day Edition++!

I had almost forgotten about Blays until tonight.

Int., a bar.

Man orders four beers from a California Brewery and four waters.  I deliver the waters with straws.  Man takes straws out and tosses them on the bar.

Man: No petroleum for me, bro.

Scene.

Part 2:

Int., a bar.

A man approaches.

Man: Can I get a beer?

Me: Sorry, man, I can't serve you.

Man: Why

Me: Because we've had to kick you out on numerous occasions for being too drunk.

Man: Can I get a beer?

I walk away.

Man: Under his breath.  Fag.

Me: Turns slowly around, smiling.  What's that you say?

Man: Quickly, slurring. You're the man.  You're the man.  Leaves.

Scene.

Back on that Horse

It's been too long. Cheesey biscuits:


One day I'll come up with my own recipe for JAMMIE DODGERS


I meant to post something about going to the baseball game last week, but the pictures were exceptionally boring. Except for this one, which is of a pirate (he's wearing a patch if you can't tell).


Also, let's all welcome the newest reader, ChadAmerica's as-yet-unnamed second heir to the throne.

Look at This Infuriating Thing

So I decided that since I was already wasting time, I'd start looking for available Twitter accounts for characters or famous people, should I get especially bored later and want to act like I was them. Turns out there's an absurd number of them already taken. Names that are taken and not being used:

AlexPKeaton (Dude's picture is of Napoleon Dynamite, which makes no sense.)

danhalen (Come on, this one needs to be used.)

rick AND ajsimon (?????)

DrGirlfriend (You, sir, are no Doctor Girlfriend.)

elicash (he twitters in a sort of obsolete vernacular)

DrVenkman (I suppose it'll be in use soon)

RoaldDahl (ARRRRRRRRR)

EveKendall (tho I don't know that I could do her justice)

FredSchneider, RobSchneider, Roy Scheider... WAIT THERE'S NO ROY SCHEIDER. There is now. Success.

Casting Call: PIRATES OF ADEN

Check it: my casting of the forthcoming movie, PIRATES OF ADEN: THE TRUE STORY OF HOW AMERICAN SNIPERS TAKE OUT ANARCHISTS

The crew of the Maersk Alabama:


The likely cast:


The guy on the far left will obviously be played by Grady from Sanford and Son. Hollywood has necromancers, right?

Next in line is Forest Whitaker, the easiest choice of the bunch. He will likely still think he is Idi Amin, though, which might cause production problems.

To Whitaker's left is Kimbo Slice, who after his fake MMA career is likely looking to start acting. The muscle.

The chubby guy to Kimbo's left is the chubby guy from Shaun of the Dead. Two words: comic interludes.

To his left, fresh from becoming a government insider, is Executive Producer Kal Penn. The smart one.

And finally Billy Bob Thornton. The Wild Card.

For the captain, the triumphant return of the smartalecky attorney from Night Court!


Hollywood, pls just leave VM.

First Order of Business: Spare Tire Cover

Just found this goldmine. Please to help me decide. Some of my favorites:

Terrifying yet patriotically rabid wolf:


Unicorn surrounded by fluttering butterflies:


Majestic lion peering from the darkness:


Plus: new Big Hunt shirts started:

Banas Foster

Every once in a while at work, things are normal, everybody's enjoying themselves, and then a dude comes up to you and is all, hey my girlfriend locked herself in the bathroom and I'm pretty sure she's passed out.

This happened recently, to the point where we had to break the door down and carry her out. Don't worry. She's fine (albeit stupid). When we were cleaning up, we found this gem:


It is apparent that Michelle is some form of crisis manager, or negotiator. What better way to rouse someone from unconsciousness than with the promise of Bananas Foster(s)?

Here are some pictures of the Bronco. The naming process is underway. Under consideration so far: Frank, Henry.

What if Michelle Obama Was My Girlfriend (Etiquette Edition)

Wow, Michy, this is amazing. Thanks a lot for inviting me along for your trip to Buckingham Palace. Sure, I know, who better to coach you on all things etiquette, what with my near-encyclopedic knowledge of the arcane rituals of the Royal Family, but still--to have me along means a lot. Barack is a big man to be able to handle it, I'll say.

Yeah, it's really gr----WAIT OH NO REMEMBER I TOLD YOU ABOUT THE TOUCHING THING

If This is an April Fools I'm Going to Lose It

This new Omegle thing is basically a program that reverts back to the internet in 1994, where the only thing you could do was chat with a complete stranger. Here's my go:

Also: BRONCO READY TOMORROW OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG Now to get it registered. Which should only take a couple years.

Finally, a small, poor-quality video of TBs preparing to ride down some stairs in a trash can, followed by B riding down them all accidentally.