Things One Can Find Out on the Internet

Ex Post New Cat

So New Cat, aka PJ Winkleman, aka Funky Winkerbean, aka Steven Seagal: The Cat, shockingly didn't fare too well here at the house full of other cats and a dog. So after months of fear and depression, we found her a new home. I told her new owner, Riff Raff, that she could have New Cat if she paid me $40,000 in unmarked bills.

We made the exchange tonight, and Riff Raff promptly injected New Cat with horse tranquilizer.

"No," I exclaimed! "You need to use cat tranquilizer!"

Riff Raff thought for a moment and then said indignantly, "What do I look like, some sort of cat tranquilizer factory?"


So that's that. I'll make Riff Raff send periodic updates for our enjoyment.

Sweet Crossover Action

DeffoTotes and its best internet friend, Heck's Kitchen, ran into each other last night at the Benjy Ferree show (which was awesome, as always). See? Look! HK's proprietor and her sister.


Happy Amateur's Eve, everyone!

Xmas Miraxles

When booking flights, it always seems like the best idea to leave early and come back late, so as to maximize the amount of vacation time. In practice, though, it's probably the worst idea ever. Working all night before having to catch a 6am flight is brutal. Especially now that I'm old. The wrinkles on my forehead? Not even a month old.


Luckily, the hotel we checked into when I got to town was underwater. Granted, the dolphins were really small, but it's great for the complexion to sleep completely submerged.


Murals are really big in San Francisco. You can't see, but at the far left there is a depiction of Jerry Garcia walking into the ether. This place is on Haight Street. Self-consciousness apparently hasn't made its way over there yet.

I was going to concoct an entire narrative for the trip, including fake events and people, but I have to be at work in an hour so that idea will have to wait. In its place are real events and people like Ana and her little brother at the corner store that sells pre-packaged cocktail-making kits for those who need a little help:


Then there's her nephew, who likes to spin around and act like a Power Ranger. Here he is utilizing his patented stay-awake method:


Ana and I had a very special vacation staring contest, which I won.


Then she posed for possibly the best portrait ever taken:


Next are two montages. First, Ana with brother and sister doing some dancing and posing:


Next is Clarissa with Ana at dinner (for those in the Bay area the restaurant is Weird Fish on Mission. Delicious). They move alot when they talk.


I bought an animatronic frog for the nephew's Christmas present. The box included some amazing slogans:


Ana learned to shapeshift:

Then we ate steak:


There was this cat that hangs out at the corner store and looked at me funny, so I gave it the what-for:


So all in all it was a pretty good holiday, obvs.


BONUSBONUSBONUS

Teeners is back!


Also, what is wrong with celebrities and why can't they laugh like regular people? Is stuff really that funny to them?

Deffo Presents: Vacation Videoz

Everybody that I've seen since we got back from San Francisco has been all dude, please, where are the videos? Please, something! Maybe of small children we don't know? Well, wait no longer, everybody. Here's a sampling:

1. Ana says "Hey! Take a picture of me jumping from this bed to that bed!" I take video instead. Good decision.



2. Shopping at Target for Ana's 3-year old nephew when I stumble on a cache of Frogz, which are animatronic frogs that sing popular music. I bought this one. After giving it to the nephew, he kissed it on the forehead. Kid recognizes a good thing when he sees it.



3. Ana acts like she's taking my picture and instead attacks my face with the camera. Payback.



4. Possibly the best video of all time: Nephew spinning.

Holiday Times USA

Ana left for San Francisco ("San Fran" for those in the know) yesterday, so I've been doing this:


I've realized that I have the ability to be very, very boring. FYI.

In other news about boredom, gander this picture of my bar on Saturday night:


Yep. Freezing rain sure does scare away the suburbanites.

Expect some northern California-related goodness in the next week or so. Until then, happy Joemas!

Best & Worst Things of the Year: 2007

Best:

1. Pho

2. "What's a Girl to Do" - Bat for Lashes. Took over as "Song I Want to Hear Continuously" from Peter Bjorn & John's "Young Folks."

3. Zoe Bell's existence. Anybody who says anything bad about her stunt sequence in Death Proof is probably involved with organized crime, and will likely spend all eternity in hell.


4. The death of Jerry Fallwell. At the time I got a little grossed out by the backlash against a really easy target, but it's a really nice feeling knowing that he's not out there to say stupid shit anymore.

5. New bike

6. Technology

7. Not being robbed (Bummer note: I wrote this before buttholes robbed my sister)

8. Vincent D'onofrio's perpetual descent into madness

9. Achewood. Natch.


10. Health insurance. Oh, wait.


Worst:

1. Jason Lee's complicity in live-action destructions of classic cartoon characters for live-action feature films of Underdog


and Alvin & The Chimpmunks.


To come in 2008: Jason Lee's body washes up on the banks of the East River.

BONUSBONUSBONUS Another good thing: Will Arnett has been chosen to be the new voice of KITT in NBC's resurrection of Knight Rider.

There It Is

I'm not claiming any responsibility for this, but let's just say that I fall into the "for no reason at all" category.

Santa Crawls and Their Repercussions

People who work in offices all day have a hard time making friends, so they have to work extra-hard to find like-minded people to do the stupid shit they like to do. In December, the stupid shit they like to do is dress up in Santa costumes and go from bar to bar drinking and losing things.* Saturday, Katie got to witness a little of the magic:


It's amazing what 30 drunk Santas will do to destroy one's Christmas spirit, so Joe and I decided to balance things out by playing some non-Christmas holiday sets on the jukebox. He started things off with Halloween (Monster Mash + Nightmare on My Street=Success), and I followed up with Easter. What follows is my set with brief annotations, in case anybody's interested in replicating it:

1. "Easter Flesh" - The Legendary Shack Shakers. Gotta start things off slow, work the crowd into the idea of a themed set; the Shack Shakers aren't what one would call a "religious" band, so nobody's gonna get all weirded out. Plus, the song is pretty good.


2. "Easter" - Patti Smith Group. Kind of a downer, but the name of the song is "Easter," so it made the cut.


3. Now that the set is in full-swing, time to throw a curveball. In nearly every situation in life, "curveball" means: KIDZ BOP. If you don't know about Kidz Bop, do yourself a favor and cure your ignorance. I played some Kidz Bop Easter song that isn't online. But rest assured that it was amazing.


4. "Easter Bunny Hop" - VeggieTales. How better to follow up kidz doing covers of popular and traditional music than with overtly religious animated vegetables singing vaguely religious songs?

5. "Easter March" - Liberace. How better to follow singing vegetables than with a little piano ditty by the master of moderation?


6. "Easter [something]" - Steve Green. Since the room has pretty much gone silent in awe of Liberace's adagios, it is important to take advantage. The best way to do that is to play an Easter song by my mom's favorite Christian Contemporary blond, Steve Green. People at the bar seemed surprised that I was singing all the words. Maybe they should check the status of their souls.


BONUSBONUSBONUS I bought fashionframes! Unfortch they are basically clear versions of Ana's realframes so I'll never be able to wear them. But maybe--just maybe--my vision will decline enough to need glasses within the next forty years. In that case, my fashionframes will be there waiting for me.


Plus! Ana says hello, Jeanne!


* Things they lost which were later found on the floor: Three credit cards, one ID, one wallet, two hats, two sweaters, one book, one scarf, $40 cash.

Another Year Older and More Stuff, Plus+++!!!

Hey, Gang! I'm 30! The big 3-0! Over the hill! The new 20! For the festivities, all I asked for was what every red-blooded 30-year old would want: ice cream cake, candy, stuffed animals, t-shirts, DVDs, comic books and sneakers. Guess what? Mofos came through.

First, Noms got her friend who owns a Baskin-Robbins (we know people) to make an ice cream cake with a picture of me eating a frozen banana on it.


It was delicious.

Corrie and Jordan got me candy. M&Ms make dark chocolate peanut candy now. Game over.


Next, Wendy and Mikey got me a stuffed wildcat, which is the product of an extended inside joke that is much too bad to be shared here. Luckily, the stuffed wildcat can talk, which is just awesome enough to share here:

Joe got me T-Shirts from the show that he attended before the party; they're pretty awesome, but not nearly as awesome as the gift he gave me the next day.

Naomi got me this one:

Greg and Kyle gave me this picture:

Brian, who came as Michael's emissary (for some reason he couldn't make it--something about being "stranded" in "Japan"), gave me a "Lady Catchin' Sac." This means that he doesn't like Ana. Don't tell.

First part of the Lady Catchin' Sac is a DVD wherein Lyn teaches me some magic tricks:

Next is some sounds of puppies, kittens and more, with which to melt the hearts of the ladies:

And finally, fireside reflections with which to bed the ladies. I haven't tried the system yet, but I'm pretty sure it's failproof.

Other Brian gave me what looks to be the best family-friendly DVD of all time, starring Rupert Grant of Harry Potter fame:

That's right! It's about a youngster who can't stop farting and goes into space!


Kyle gave me fancy comic books. Perfect for eating candy with.



Joe got me some Atlanta-themed sneakers, which he thought I'd be interested in for some reason. Look! Atlanta likes sports cars!


Finally, Murph got me Windows XP so I could use my new phone. I decided, however, that it would be cooler to just wipe out my entire hard drive instead. How am I supposed to understand these directions?

I'm not, I say.

So I call Murph and tell him that compruter no work, and he proceeds to roll by and spend the next ten hours typing in "commands" into "interfaces" that in the end allow him to find most of the stuff that I erased. Thank God: a year's worth of pictures of my drunk friends have not been lost to the ether.


That, and then later Jesus gave me birthday snow!


BONUSBONUSBONUS

PJ's absentee owner requests an update.

Update: PJ still running the shit:


Look! Video proof that PJ is alive!