Last One Before the Road

On Thursday night my back got all rude and decided to start seizing uncontrollably. It was pretty awesome for the next twenty-four hours, until my friend at work provided me with some synthesized opiate or another, so I could walk semi-normally. I say all this to let everyone know that I may or may not be addicted to prescription drugs by the time I get back on Thursday.


I'll be sending random posts from the road, so get excited. Unfortch there won't be any pictures until I get back, though, cuz mophlogging doesn't exist yet. Only moblogging. It's like the stone age.

How to Waste Your 200th Post: More T-Shirts

This'll probably be it for a while.

199th Post: Gross Drinking Competitions

Tonight was Teebz' (Teebz's?) going away party, in anticipation of our super wicked semi-cross country road trip. The party was good.

In particular was the decision of two young men (TBs and Owen) to finish the bottle of Sloe Gin they saw when they walked in.

For future reference: this idea is gross.

It included: Sloe Gin Fizzes (natch)
Sloe Mind Erasers (aka Mind Sloers--just substitute Sloe Gin for the Kahlua)
Retarded Matadors (Jager Bombs wherein one substitutes Sloe Gin for Jagermeister)
and finally
Pints of Sloe Gin on the rocks.


Hint: they finished the bottle.

Get ready for mophlogging, people.

TSHIRT BINGE EXTRAVAGANZA

This is what I did with my Saturday. Maybe one day you will be on a t-shirt! Probably not though.

Friday Night Treats

In order to get the picture of my hairy face off the front page, here is a picture of what sidewalk when I left this morning at 5:30am:


That is a growned-ass man passed out in the doorway of the club next to where I work. I halfway wanted to rob him preemptively so I could give his stuff back the next day, but right after I took this picture he barfed everywhere.


I don't know about you people, but I slept on Death Wish for far too long. Charles Bronson is a cinematic genius. He makes us believe he's a bleeding-heart liberal within two minutes of the opening credits! You know how? He tells us, that's how. Anyways. I've also slept on Death Wish II, Death Wish 3, Death Wish 4: The Crackdown (he fights crackheads in that one, natch), and Death Wish V: The Face of Death (the studio couldn't decide on Roman v. Arabic Numerals apparently). They are all awesome, people.



Why do I say this? Because I have also slept on the fact that Stallone is remaking the original. He says it would be volcanic. And he is right.

Bonus Death Wish Facts:

1. Christopher Guest's first credited US cinematic role was as a cop in the first installment. He is not funny.

2. Jeff Goldblum's first credited US cinematic role was as "Freak #1" in the first installment. He watches as his freak buddies (who stake out rich people while trying to steal things from grocery stores and making lewd tongue gestures to strangers) rape and kill Bronson's wife and daughter. THIS WAS A BAD IDEA.

3. Olympia Dukakis plays a cop too.

GrayBeardWatch2008

Apologies for the closeup picture of hair (always gross), but that is a big honking gray hair.

Best Email Ever

Preface: My sister and I were obsessed with the movie The Natural when we were kids. Whatever, we were wholesome.

----- Original Message ----
From: Deffo Sister
To: Deffo
Sent: Monday, May 19, 2008 8:12:50 PM
Subject: ten surprises upon re-watching The Natural for, like, the 500th time

1. This was my first time to see the movie in about a decade. Last year, they did a "director's cut" of the movie. (Was there really a demand for a director's cut? Were the people really crying out?...) They added 20 new minutes of film. But they tightened up the overall film so the movie was only 6 minutes longer.
2. The director's cut is good. The movie actually feels like it moves along better. They go into the story of Roy Hobbs' origins a little more. The opening scenes aren't so choppy. His character has a lot more nuance.
3. Robert Redford apparently modeled his swing after Mickey Mantle's. He looks so much like a real ball player that it kind of sucks to realize he's just an ACTOR!
4. I may be slightly obsessed with this movie. Sorry.
5. I'm surprised by how well this movie has held up after 24 (!) years. You know what's going to happen, and you know the soundtrack is totally over-the-top romantic American Randy Newman stuff, but it still is kind of great to watch.
6. Gus was a PIMP! (Gus is the creepy bookie with the cyclops eye.) He kept Memo Paris on a string and bought her fancy furs and jewelry in return! So that's what that was all about!
7. Kim Basinger as Memo Paris. MEMO PARIS! WHAT THE HELL KIND OF NAME IS THIS. I DEMAND AN EXPLANATION.
8. I didn't realize that Richard Farnsworth's character's full name was "Red Blow." Red Blow! WHAT THE HELL KIND OF NAME IS THIS, etc. etc.
9. One of the parts they tightened up was our beloved "Well, what about you there, Huckleberry? [beat] Scared?" Now it's "Well,whataboutyouthere,Huckleberry,scared?" As you might have guessed, I rent my garments in twain and dumped ashes on my head over this tragic edit.
10. Kim Basinger, Glenn Close, Robert Redford, Robert Duvall, Barbara Hershey and Richard Farnsworth in one movie = TOTALLY WICKED-GOOD CAST.

Anyhow. How's tricks, cookie?
-c.

I'll bet that "Red Blow" is an oldfashioned term for cocaine.

Also, I say, don't forget Michael Madsen ("Bump" Bailey--lots of cocaine references in this wholesome movie) and Wilford Brimley! The cast just keeps on giving.

For your enjoyment, I offer this clip from the movie (which same sister texted to me the other day), where the batboy asks Roy Hobbs if he can help him make a superbat.

Punk's Relaxing Sunday

May 17=Special Tippers Holiday

Yesterday was graduation day, which one would think would be a time of joy and merriment and drinking and tipping appropriately. Guess what? One would be wrong.

Exhibit A: At first glace it looks like somebody left a $30 tip on $4. That would be outrageous! It's okay, though, because it was 30¢. How did he arrive at 30¢, I wonder?


That would be pretty good by itself, but not on this day. This day was special! Later on came a woman who, for her $30 tab, left me these two beauties:


In case you can't tell, they are two (expired!) vouchers for a free drink at the Clarendon Ballroom (a place I will likely never set foot in unless the overwhelming urge to see a cover band wins out). Top it all off: I have to get hired by Accenture first. Talk about adding insult to injury.

Turns Out

We have roses. Who knew.


Keep the roadtrip recommendations coming, people.

Chatting with Junes + The World is Ending, Get Ready

After perusing my upcoming roadtrip itinerary, Junes (aka Dana Junior aka the great chocolate heiress) texts me today:

Junes: I noticed saint paul wasnt included in your itinerary.
Me: Actually i looked into it and then realized that you live in scandinavia
Junes: No passport?
Me: Hate white people
Junes: Not a lot of pigment with the nords.

Also in the last week Ana has realized that she enjoys a) Blue Moon and b) Jager Bombs.


Next step: whiny baby voice, perhaps collars fully popped joining kickball league.

Two Reviews in One Day OMG ICBITIFA

In his review of this phlog, Patrick asked for more reviews of things he'd like to eat. Two months later, I get around to it.

Behold something I'm betting Patrick likes to eat Vol. 1:

STAR CRUNCH

Star Crunch, for the sad and pathetic among you who don't know, is a Little Debbie product consisting of the following, probably: chocolate, caramel, rice crispies, soy lecithin.

First off, the packaging:

1. The shit is 35 cents. Can't beat it.
2. Star Crunch is not a meal, people. It is a snack.
3. Since there is nothing star-related in the snack itself--it would be more aptly named ChocoCrispyCrunch, in my opinion--Little Debbie had to add some star bursts to justify calling it Star Crunch. Which is cool with me.

Now the product:

The delicious center is chocolatey and gooey, true, but the true joy of eating a Star Crunch is in the anticipation. See it is imperative that one nibble off the outer coating of rice crispies--which are lightly coated in chocolate and really don't have much taste or texture and aren't very rewarding at all as far as snacks are concerned--before taking a full bite. Withholding that immediate sensory pleasure makes the experience that much more rewarding. Believe it.

In other news here's the tentative route for Road Trip USA, set to leave June 1:


View Larger Map

So here's your job, people. Give us places to visit in the following cities:

1. Pittsburgh
2. Columbus, OH
3. Cincinnati
4. Louisville
5. Bowling Green, KY
6. Nashville
7. Memphis (aside from the obvious)
8. Jackson, MS
9. Baton Rouge, LA
10. Houston

PS: ICBITIFA = I Can't Believe It This Is Fucking Awesome

Revisión del Concierto: Las Llaves del Negro

DC has a particular concert culture. People who have no interest in going to shows buy up dozens of tickets when they go on sale in order to scalp them at huge markups. This leads to the second thing, which is that the concerts are full of boring people who talk incessantly and barely look like they're enjoying the thing they paid $125 to see.

So I love things like last night, when I looked on Craigslist at about 5pm and saw that the price of the night's Black Keys concert had dropped to below face value.

The show was good, and they played "Strange Times" which was nice to hear before the jukebox at work kills it for me forever. Which it will. Just like Johnny Cash and Gnarls Barkley. I'd say Regina Spektor too, but she was dead to me before the jukebox entered the equation. Play "Fidelity" while I'm on the clock and you're losing your money, people. Sorries. That song can suck it.

Back to the review. Please reference the diagram:

1. Drummer

2. Guitarist

3. This group of dudes in their mid-thirties or early forties, one of whom was wearing a "Do the Roo" shirt.

I'll only expand on number three, because reviews of one and two can be found in lots of places, but reviews of number three cannot. This group of dudes was happy to be there. So much so that they were making awesome hand gestures at particular points in the show. Say there's a really good riff in a song; in that case, at least two of the dudes will throw up their hands like so:



In the case of a sweet drumline, hands would again be thrown. But like this:

At first glance this group of dudes appeared to be lame. But eventually we decided that we all wanted to party with them in Loudon County which is the only possible place these dudes were from.

A funny thing about this show is that everybody there got drunk at exactly the same time. It was about 10:45. People started falling into me on their way to the bar. This dude especially though--he almost knocked me over and then stood right in front of me. So I took a picture of his bald spot, natch.




Come to Teebz' going-away party if you know him. We'll be taking the old West Virginia-Louisville-Memphis-New Orleans-Austin route.


I just clicked on the "Blogs" tab on MySpace and found the two most amazing blogs in the world. The first is called "I Believe in God" and is full of capital letters and great renaissance-related religious artwork. In the words of its author, it is dedicated wholly to finding "how many people we can reach in MySpace that believes in God." Yes.

But that's not all! The next one discusses how God exists. BECAUSE OF SCIENCE.

Judge Baby Sez: Eat Yr Crabs, Dummy!

Ana's dad and brother were in town this weekend so we went to eat crabs in Annapolis. Which is awesome because she's allergic.

Sucker.

Know who isn't allergic to crabs? This kid, who has jowels that won't quit. Look how she wields the mallet gavel with such majesty!


Later she got bored and rained down all this stuff from the ether.


Dining tip: don't eat raw oysters and a bunch of crabs on an empty stomach.

Cuatro de Cinco

Katie had a Cuatro de Mayo barbecue yesterday, which means that these dudes wear straw hats.


And in what can only be described as a Cuatro de Mayo miracle, a ladybug flew inside and parked right on Katie's bangs.




Remember the other day when I posted a bunch of crappy pictures of stuff in our neighborhood? I forgot to include the picture of my neighbor's parrot, which she lets out every day.


When we first moved in it said goodbye to me and I responded. I hate birds.

Poor-Quality Neighborhood Pictures: Lawn Lion, Alien, Pizza

There's a new pizza place a couple blocks from us that acts like it's all good and everything so we tried it today. Verdict: it's hell of good. Look: between us we got three slices and a sorbillo and I didn't think to take a picture until this was all that was left:


On the walk home I saw two houses I've been meaning to take pictures of for a while. The pictures didn't turn out so good but so what.

First: A bay window with a green plastic alien wearing an "Impeach Bush" necklace poster. People are shameless.

Second: A large plaster (?) lioness lawn sculpture.


Jenny Miller answers the question I've been wondering about for months.


Best LOLCAT ever

Tipping Habits of Famous or Rich People, Installment 1

Cleveland Cavalier Sideshow Bob-lookalike Anderson Varajao was at my bar last night. My coworker, who is from Cleveland, bought he and his friends the first round. Their second was $30. Varajao tipped $10.

Verdict: not as bad as other celebrities. Plus, he was nice.

Wednesdaze

Yesterday was a good day. First, it was the last day of our lease at the old house, which means that we won't have to ever see our spaz landlord again. We had to get the last few big things out, including the couch, which has been in the living room since well before I moved in three years ago. The couch, unsurprisingly, had become gross and had become the object of a considerable amount of subconscious hatred. It served its purpose, sure, but thank god it's dead now.


We took it and a bunch of other crap to the dump, which is my new favorite place. I highly recommend it.


What does one do after throwing a bunch of shit into an enormous pile of trash? One prepares to go to Minibar, the six-seat restaurant that serves a couple dozen one- or two-bite courses. I've been wanting to go for a long time and our friend who works there finally got us a reservation.

I hadn't eaten all day so I thought it would be smart to eat a little bit beforehand just in case. I call this "Ham with Pickles and Sriracha served with Coors Original."


One of the first courses was a tiny bit of salted olive oil encased in a clear candy shell.


I'm not even going to review these things because it's impossible and I'm no food writer. But I will say that the Sea Urchin with Hibiscus foam was like getting hit in the face by the ocean.


I think my favorite was the steamed bun with caviar and lemon foam. I could've eaten one as big as my face.

The tiny Caesar salad was awesome.

As was the Philly Cheesesteak

And the corn on the cob


And the sangria slushy


But easily the coolest looking dish was this one, which is little gelatin balls filled with the flavors of bagels and lox.


Candies.