I Open Birthday Presents Early

A couple early presents:

First, from Uncle Mike (the polyglot): Every kid's favorite present, cash!


Second, from mom, a hand-knitted scarf made from baby llamas!


I'm pretty sure it's baby llama fur, not guts.

DeffoProductReview! LG VENUS!!! Verdict: Jealousy-Inducing and Cryptic

So I got a new phone because my RAZR, the phone which everybody hates and has always hated, started to crap out after two years. After exhaustively researching the phone that would make people the most jealous of me, I decided on the LG Venus, which is basically like the LG Chocolate but bigger and more celestial. So I ordered it from the Verizon website last week.

(Oh wait! You already know this story. It ends with me calling Verizon, them telling me they never got the order, me going to the store to buy it, only to come home to an email from Verizon with my confirmation number for the order that doesn't exist. Thank god I just re-upped for another 2 years! But anyway, I got the phone.)

Verdict? It's totally gonna make people jealous. Especially the music player! You can upload mp3s from your computer and listen to them on your phone! Zzzz! WITH BLUETOOTH! I zapped a couple over after I got home and fired it up... Look!


Wait, Venus! I just did add songs! Why you asking me to add some mores? That's weird as hell! Oh well, not to worry. I'll just use the ol' V-Cast music service, which is made by Verizon for Verizon and is pretty much just like perfect.


Maybe I'll download Chris Browzzle's new jamzzle so I can listen to it and use it as a ringtone! That will be sick!


I keep trying, Verizon V-Cast Music Service, and you keep asking me to try again! HOW LONG DO I KEEP TRYING?!

Luckily, there is a fallback plan: I can always hook the phone up directly to the computer, like analog style. Glitch-proof, if you will:


I guess the phone needs its software to "interface" with my computer. Let's give that a try! Mac, do your business! Click on the ol' install icon:


It's gonna take me forever to figure out what this means, so I'll just click on the next icon! Ooh, it's opening a program!!!


In conclusion, it's weird that Verizon wants me to play 4-in-a-row in order to download music to my phone. Cryptic, even.



BONUSBONUSBONUS Proof that Ana actually likes fat cat

Some Phlogs are Born Geniuses, Some are Made

Fanksgiffing Travel Tips

We took a quick trip to Atlanta for Thanksgiving to see my family, and to eat. Which is how visiting the South works, basically.

First: drive around for 5 hours looking for a CVS or a Walgreens or some place that sells things to cure Ana's typhoid. Next, breakfast at Ria's Bluebird Cafe. (Travel tip #1: Do this.)


Next: check into brother's girlfriend's apartment, which she is lending us while she's out of town. What do we do? Contaminate it! Sorry about the typhus germs, Sarah! Ha, ha! Another dose of Airborne, please!


What's good for typhoid, you ask? Beer!


Travel tip #2: watch local news. Because you don't care about the scary parts, the feel-good stories are a source of pure comedy.


So Thanksgiving rolls around, and because consumptives can't sleep very well, the best idea is to visit Waffle House. This particular Waffle House was a "Hash-Slinging Zone," which was fine with me. They also don't like firearms. But those things don't matter, really.


What matters is that Waffle House produces delicious, delicious food. Get that shit on Texas Toast, people. It's good for you.


Later, Ana is released from quarantine long enough to do some cooking at my parent's house. Travel tip #3: do things the way she likes, or she'll yell at you.


Then eat and go visit Grandma. I'd give you a picture, but if I had tried to get my camera out she probably would've broken it. Grandma weighs about 80lbs these days, which is not cool at all. But she still rules. As if she couldn't.

And later, we go with my brother looking for a place to get a beer. We found one called "Pufferbelly's" which included this Monster® Energy Drink poster of a woman's backside with a can of Monster® Energy Drink tucked conveniently in her thong:


In short, Pufferbelly's ruled. Happy Thanksgiving.

Why The Believer is My Favorite Magazine

The only magazine I subscribe to is The Believer. This month's issue includes a sheet of temporary tattoos, like this one:


Sometimes it gets a little too hipstery for its own good


but then it redeems itself with something classic


or just awesome.


And then, how can you hate a magazine that includes temporary tattoos? This is why The Believer is my favorite magazine.

See you after Thanksgiving, hopefully with pictures of the world's best Grandma (proven) and other family members.

Checking in with America

Because today was a day, we went to have Pho for breakfast/dinner. It was delicious. When we were done, a couple sat down across from us and proceeded to have what might have been the most important conversation in the history of the world.

Unfortch for me, I didn't bring my camera so I couldn't tape it surreptitiously. Lucky for me, Ana has a good memory and reminded me what they said so I could transcribe it and provide it for you lucky people.

Please: enjoy! Nothing is made up.

"Fuck, I Wanna Eat, Goddammit!"

PLEASE LISTEN TO THIS.

PLEASE.

100th Post Extravaganza!!!

This is funny.

An Open Letter to the Ford Motor Company

Dear Ford Motor Company,

Dude, do you use T9 when you're texting? I do. And lately it seems like the words it knows or doesn't know is getting weirder. Have you noticed this? Like even though the word "bourbon" is in probably 60% of my texts, it still doesn't know how to spell it; instead it gives me this, which has never even been a word.


WTF, you know? And it's not like it doesn't know any of the distilled spirits, which would at least make sense:


Then there's the words it knows that are barely ever used by anybody ever:


And then sometimes you want to write some words and it gives you other words to try and make you feel all guilty. Like when I tried to write "chalice":


I think T9 is trying some sort of social engineering, Ford Motor Company! What do you think? I mean look! I was just trying to type "duckpin"!


Anyways. What I was really writing about is that you own the Mercury Motors brand, right? That is hands down the coolest car name ever. It's the coolest element, it's a slow-working poison, it's an ancient god--what more could you ask for in a brand name?

What I want to say is that you're totally wasting Mercury and everything it could be. For starters, its cars shouldn't come in any colors other than silver. Second, the logo should be a dude throwing an arrow, or something. Anything is better than what you have. Third, make the cars awesome.

Sincerely,

DeffoTotes

PJ Winkleman Isn't Always Perfect, Just Most Times

Aww... Look! It's PJ Winkleman! Isn't she just always so totes cute?

HAHAHAHAHA NO


BONUSBONUSBONUS SHOCKING DEVELOPMENT PEDRO SLEEPS

DeffoFoodReview: BistroTimeUSA

It's a little late, but we've never been to CENTRAL MICHEL RICHARD, and I have a camera now so it seemed like time for the first true DeffoReview of Foods.

CENTRAL MICHEL RICHARD is a "bistro," for the purposes of the fact that they wanted to make hamburgers and one can't do that at MICHEL RICHARD CITRONELLE, presumably for fear that people might mistake his high-end restaurant for a barbecue bug-b-gone device.

Anybody with two restaurants with his name in them has got to be a good chef, right? Of course! He's really good! How about the design of the place? As my dad likes to say, as a designer, he makes a really good chef. Nyuk! Narf!

Washingtonian notes the "endless blond wood, clean lines, and air of casual brilliance" in the dining room. Hey Ana! What do you think of that?


Yes. Big orbs scream casual brilliance.


"Blond wood" = fake and plastic, a la our most luxurious chain hotels!


But if you put delicious foods on top of plastic tables, it's still delicious. These things on the right are called "Gougères," which means either "cheese puff" or "venereal disease" depending on what the context is (for reals). Thinking about this linguistic overlap is gross, but the cheese puffs were really delicious.


Because the restaurant is on Pennsylvania Avenue, reviews always mention that "power brokers" "hobnob" there. The place was full, but I didn't see anybody powerbroking (unless you include our great overlord).

I did, however, see a middle-aged woman shoveling salad into her mouth with a strained look on her face like this:


But anyway. Less about me, more about food! Enough Tim Carmaning! (Side note: Hey Tim! How about a description of a dish at some point in your next review! Thanks!)

It's a bistro, but it's still fancy and frenchy, so I figured that my fried chicken would be a piece of chicken lightly breaded with a fancy sauce drizzled in an asymmetrical pattern over the top. In reality, the dish is 4' x 6' (see fig. below), and comes with 1.5 gal of creamy mustard sauce in a gravy boat, two whole perfectly-fried chickens, and 3lb of rich, creamy pureed potatoes.

Junk is delicious. For actualies.


Ana got "pied de cochon," which we assumed meant "to walk like a pig," i.e. some sort of slow-roasted dish. We were totally wrong. It actually means "ground up pig, wrapped in dough with spices and vegetables, and fried so as to look like a pig's foot." Trust me-the latter is infinitely more delicious than the former. They had to bring a new table to fit the 5' x 5' plate:

Then we had coffee.

(There you have it, people: the perfect food review. You're welcome.)

BONUSBONUSBONUS

Me and Riff Raff's Prom picture (look how short!):


OMG MURPH'S CHIN IS FREE, LADIES


Two new superheroes arise out of the mist, driven by their dramatically different shoe sizes:


Nerds remain nerds, people.

Real-Life!