Moving Timez and Squirrlz and Boring Citiez!

I've been living in what my former roommates affectionately called "The Hole" for nearly three years now. That time is almost over. Our lease is up at the end of April, and we're moving up and beyond into the ether of not having roommates. This, people have told us, is what people in their 30s do. Seems extravagant, I know, but one must follow the status quo.

The first apartment we looked at was meh, what with the carpeting and ugly kitchen. But then today we saw this beautiful thing, with a front porch and windows that open!


And not to mention a view of something other than a port-o-potty.


Let's all hold our collective noses until Mr. Landlord says that he wants us for sure.


BONUSBONUSBONUS SQUIRREL EATING PIZZA


SUPERBONUSDEFFOREVIEW The Washington Post ("WaPo") travel section this weekend tried to prove that Salt Lake City does indeed have a nightlife, regardless of what the naysayers naysay. Nice lede, WaPo!

What is so "lively," you ask? Well, it seems that "Jersey Sports Grill" is. Only the appetizers they ordered never came. So is "Zanzibar," except for the fact that the cocktails were gross. And finally, "Port O'Call," a place that had lots of people in line.

I lived in Salt Lake City for a year. In fact, I lived in Salt Lake City for the year when the Olympics were there, which is probably the best possible year for somebody who wants to not be bored in Utah. I bartended in Salt Lake City at a pool hall called "Ya' Buts," formerly called "Spanky's," which was formerly an adult theater. It is now a parking lot. RIP, Ya' Buts. You gave me $35 in income every Monday night, give or take.


Guess what I did for fun in Salt Lake City? I went to Nevada and gambled. The only thing good about Salt Lake City, people, is the meth. Believe it.

Good Ideas Gone Wrong

Last night we went to see a movie. Once, I enjoyed seeing intellectually stimulating, or sad, or enigmatic independent films, largely in other languages and with budgets around $6500 US. Later, I became an adult and realized that movies aren't about learning things; they're about being entertained with as little thought as possible.

So instead of There Will Be Blood's thought-provoking, nuanced portrayals of a tormented American archetype, we went to see Be Kind Rewind, where movie stars make their own versions of popular American movies. It was good. And don't be fooled! Making your own version of a movie is harder than it seems. Cf. their version of Rush Hour v. an amateur's version of Ghost. Hint: the amateur's version suxxx.

After the movie we went to Clyde's for their 1/2 price raw bar happy hour, at which point the bartender convinced us that in lieu of two dozen oysters and a lobster cocktail we could spend ten dollars more and get Clyde's ShellfishStravaganza, which includes a dozen oysters, a dozen clams, a dozen jumbo shrimp, a dozen crab claws, and a lobster. Why not? It's only midnight, right? Should sit well.


Iodine poisoning is a bummer, but the food was delicious.

In other versions of ideas that started in a good place and end in grotesque excess, here's a picture of my neighbor's van, which he repainted in his backyard a couple months ago:


In tiny letters, it says "Boycott" and "purveyors around "Veal."

BONUSBONUSBONUS Don't forget that March Madness® Selection Sunday® is on Sunday. Get ready for my purely speculative (in that I've only watched three games all season) bracket to win the whole shebang.

SUPERBONUS Everyone who starred in "Roadhouse" is dying of cancer. Please, the following should see a doctor:

• Kelly Lynch
• Sam Elliott
• Ben Gazzara

The Changing of the Shoes: Part II

It's happening every nine months now, it seems.


BONUSBONUSBONUS People who go to my bar are both drunks AND grammar nerds. Who corrects a flyer for a video game promotion in a bathroom? This person:

Also: Teebz and I went to Pho on Wednesday and it was empty. Sign #17 of the impending apocalypse.

Sleepy Murph: The Epic Journey

When Murph gets sleepy, he sleeps:


But one can never accuse him of keeping us from the party.


BONUSBONUSBONUS Pedro was caught lounging in a compromising position:


BONUSBONUSBONUS #2 Ana on eating blood: "The thing about blood is that you can only eat so much of it." Truer words have only been spoken periodically.

DeffoPolitics Presents: PresidentWatch2008: PREDICTIONS!!

The only thing I care about in politics is who is and is not left handed. Why, you ask? Because since 1974, every president except for the bad ones has been left handed, and so am I. I will likely be president very soon.

GOOD PRESIDENTS; LEFT HANDED

• Gerald Ford
• Ronald Reagan
• George H.W. Bush
• Bill Clinton

BAD PRESIDENTS; RIGHT HANDED

• Jimmy Carter
• George W. Bush
  

(I'm including Jimmy Carter and George W. Bush in the "bad ones" category because they're both right-handed, and they cancel each other out when it comes to foreign policy. Likewise, I'm putting Gerald Ford in the "good presidents" category because he's left handed and didn't really want to be president, it just kind of happened to him. Plus, he was nice.)

This election is no different:




BONUSBONUSBONUS ANA DOES LAUNDRY

Sesquepostennial: Local Celebrity Spotting!

At breakfast/lunch/dinner today at 2Amys (a restaurant which we've largely abandoned since becoming completely addicted to pho), a particular local entrepreneur/chef turned up behind us as we were finishing.


This particular EC has been a patron of establishments Ana has worked at in the past, and was --to put it kindly--not someone you'd like to wait on. So it was funny when we overheard him discussing the prices of numerous bottles of wine, each of which he found too expensive. But whatever! It's a person's right to do what they want with the money they reap from the cakes they sell for $60, right? Right.

Anyway, maybe overhead is really high these days.


But the whole point of the story is that when we left, this Maserati was parked illegally in front of us:


We were both hoping desperately that it was his, but on a little bit of hunting, turns out it isn't . (College stickers don't match up.) I was really hoping that he drove a red car named "Rocket." Because that particular moniker connotes lots of funny, gross things.

BONUSBONUSBONUS Pedro, after 6+ months of not being allowed in the bedroom (he's a danger), still thinks he's getting in:

BIG BUCK HUNT ROAD TRIP USA

So Teebz got the ol' insurance settlement, which means that I'm likely gonna schlep him across North America in the near future. We've decided that the route we're going to take is entirely dependent on where we can find Big Buck Hunter Pro^© games.

Git m'gun, maw!

BONUS Apparently FHM has done a lot of the work for us, with their Big Buck Hunter map mashup. Thanks, FHM!

The Triumphant Blurring of Michael

Last night, Michael came into work. Which was a surprise since Michael's been living in Thailand/Laos/Burma/Vietnam/Korea/Japan for the last year or so.

He had been awake for somewhere in the vicinity of 60 hours, and had been drinking for around 10, but his wit was somehow intact. As was his ability to stay out of focus while everybody else stays in it:







His last words, while stumbling out of the door at 2am, were "I'll see you soon! Hillary Clit-ton!" One great big non sequituring genius he is.

BONUSBONUSBONUS Mariah has a new single, which includes the best single line I've heard in quite some time:

If you run your mouth and brag about this secret rendezvous
I will hunt you down.

DEFFOVERSARY PHLOGIVERSARY CLIP PHLOG OMG PLUS CONSUMER WATCH 2000 PLUS BEST GIFT EVER

On this day one year ago, we experienced the DC judicial system from within, which somehow prompted me to begin phlogging. A year later, and how far we've come! I've phlogged about things 147 times. That's once every two and a half days!

Mostly it has had to do with cats, but also other things sometimes.

What do I have for you lo on this wondrous phlogiversary? A quick look into the nefarious innerworkings of corporate America!

See, a couple weeks ago I needed a suit, so I went to Bloomingdale's. Natch. They had a sale. Bernard (my fashion consultant) hooked it up

(Ana is her own fashion consultant) and even persuaded me to open up a Bloomingdale's account.


Not only an insider, people. PREMIER INSIDER. I saved $47.

I'm pretty sure the only other store credit card I've ever had was for Structure, which I opened with the purchase of a pair of cargo pants and never paid.

But anyway. I received my card in the mail last week, but it wasn't accompanied by a bill or a billing address, or my balance. So I went online to pay it off today (I'm pretty sure the APR is somewhere around 47%), and after a thorough search of "Bloomies" (premier insider jargon) online, I realized that it is impossible to pay one's Bloomingdale card balance on the internet.

I then called customer service, which told me that I could pay my balance at any Bloomingdale's store. That seemed like a hassle, so I asked if I could pay over the phone. Sure, they said, but it's going to require a $10 processing fee. Those damned corporations! Geniuses! I paid the $10.

Thus concludes my consumer lesson for 2008.

BONUSBONUSBONUS I forgot to include a picture of Ana's secret santa gift from Abe a couple weeks ago, so here it is: The Best Present Ever:

Now, I know you can't read it, so here's the transcription:

ANYONE FUCKS WITH ANA
GETS HACKED UP AND SEALED
IN A 55 GALLON DRUM

I particularly like the specific nature of the threat.

A Visit to Senior's, Plus: Countdown!

Remember when we were trying to find out where Senior works during the day? Well, we found out really quickly. But since the daytime is kind of a bummer, it took a while to get up the energy to see her. I had to get up before noon today, so I figured it might as well be today.

She works at a pretty awesome piece of depressing business-district DC, covered in beer paraphernalia and peppered with daytime office drunks. In short, awesome. And like the rest of the world, it's hard to take a picture of her there:


Hint: if you add a Michelob Light and a copy of USA Today, you've got a little slice of heaven.


BONUSBONUSBONUS The one-year DeffoVersary is Friday. There's going to be some awesome stuff, provided I think of awesome stuff. How about some ideas?

In the meantime, look at this great picture of the Awakening sculpture being moved to PG County: